Gut Rumbles
 

February 28, 2008

I have a big day planned

Originally published April 18, 2003

I need to clean my house, cut my grass, change the oil in my truck, go to the grocery store and pick up my son today. I should be energized as I write... BUT...

* It started to rain a few minutes ago. I went outside to feel the rain on my semi-nekkid body. As soon as I stepped out the door, the rain stopped. I went back inside after that.

* If I am ever reincarnated, I want to come back as a dog. I want to spend my entire life sleeping 16 hours every day, pissing on bushes when I feel like it and licking my own balls most of my waking hours. That's a good life.

* If I am ever reincarnated, I don't want to come back as a mosquito. They don't live long around the Crackerbox. Do mosquitoes have balls?

* I have a dead battery in my driveway. Will it be reincarnated? Will it come back as a 9-volt next time?

* This is Easter weekend. Today is Good Friday. If you study the story, Jesus died today and was reincarnated as HIMSELF on Sunday. If I am reincarnated, I don't want to come back as myself again. Been there, done that. I don't want to do it again. I want to be a dog next time around.

* That stupid Chihuahua next door was very bad in a previous life. It came back as a large rat that thinks it's a dog. I should have let the ants have it last summer. Dumbass, barking, piss-all-over-itself critter.

* If I can't be a dog in my next life, I want to be a good-looking woman. I'll give the word "slut" an entire new meaning.

* Sometimes in the woods, you need toilet paper more than you need food. But I don't want to be reincarnated as a roll of Charmin. Been there, done that. Once is enough.

* If I die and go to hell, I want a seat next to the fire. And a tall glass of lemonade. With ice.

* Did I mention that I was bored?

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