Gut Rumbles
 

January 27, 2008

Bible study

Originally published December 16, 2003

When I was going through my religious phase during college (I don't know what I was seeking at the time, but I never found it), I became really intrigued by three stories in the Bible that led me straight to athiesim. I still ponder those stories today.

The first was the Book of Job. Just step back and read that story, not as some kind of word of God, but as a simple story about human nature. God comes across as a real dickhead. Satan tempts GOD!

The gist of the story is that God is really proud of Job's devotion and considers him to be a dedicated and obedient servent of the Lord. Job also happens to be rich and prosperous, so Satan tells God, "Take away his worldly wealth and Job will lose his faith."

God replies, "No, he won't"

Satan says, "Yes, he will. I double-dog dare you to do it. Go fuck mercilessly with Job and see how fast he drops you like a hot rock."

Like some dumbfuck kid in a sandbox, God fucks mercilessly with Job to prove Satan wrong. Not only do I believe that using Job as a pawn in some etherial bet between God and Satan was morally wrong, I have serious doubts about an all-knowing and all-seeing Omnipotent God who didn't know from the beginning how the bet would go.

Satan goads God to keep fucking with Job for a long time, and God sucks that shit up like a Hoover vacuum cleaner. Job ends up broke, sitting on an ash-heap and covered with scabs. God smiles when he sees that picture. "See? He still loves me," he says to Satan.

Satan finally concedes the bet and Job is given back everything he lost, except the many years he suffered while God fucked with him like a six year-old boy pissing on an anthill on a fucking dare from someone God KNEW was evil. I can't worship a God who operates like that.

I never understood the story of Abraham and Isaac, either. Abraham is asked by God to go sacrifice his beloved son, just so God can test Abraham's faith. Didn't God already KNOW? WTF? We've got the creator of heaven and earth, who did all of that work in six days, and he doesn't know whether Abraham is faithful or not? That's not God. That's a government bureaucrat wanting some fucking paperwork to justify his job.

I also never understood why people praised Jesus for raising Lazarus from the dead. If a good man goes to heaven when he dies, where he sits in a land of manna, milk and honey, why in the hell would you thank someone for dragging you from paradise and putting you back into a really shitty world? If heaven was a reality, Lazarus would have risen from the dead and punched Jesus right in the nose, while screaming, "WHY COULDN'T YOU JUST LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE? I WAS IN HEAVEN, YOU ASSHOLE!"

I have a lot of problems with the Bible.

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