Gut Rumbles
 

October 21, 2007

My children

Originally published October 20, 2003

I named both of my children. I didn't know Samantha's sex before she was born, so I had two names picked out. She was going to be "Samantha Lynn" if she came out female or "Steven Robert" if she were a boy. She ended up being Samantha, but she was bound to have an alliterative name. I like alliteration.

I knew that Quinton was a boy when he was still rolling around in his mama's belly. The doctor caught him just right on an ultrasound and did a freeze-frame with my boy's little pecker sticking out. The doctor's office put circles and arrows on that freeze-frame and had a caption, saying "IT'S A BOY!!"

I was delighted about that fact, but I wanted to give my son a unique name. I'm not talking about a ridiculious name, such as Dewwanton D'nay or Urethera Clitoris that some black parents enjoy cursing their children with. I've never understood that crazy shit. Goddam. Give your child a name he or she can spell and pronounce, for crying out loud.

What is "Tiger" Woods' given name? It's ELDRIDGE! No wonder he goes by the name of Tiger. Would YOU want to go through life being called Eldridge?

I've been stuck with the name "Smith" all my life. There wasn't much I could do about that fact except give my boy a name OTHER THAN ROBERT that wouldn't have 24 different variations in the goddam phone book. I never wanted my boy to answer crazy phone calls in the middle of the night from people trying to find somebody who AIN'T YOU and get mail intended for other people the way I have done all my life.

I am Robert Smith, son of Robert Smith, who was a son of the Robert Smith before him. My brother snuck in there somewhere and was named David. I counted heads when I named my boy. He was #5.

Quinton means "Fifth Son." I also read a lot of William Faulkner during my days as an English Lit major and I always liked that name. It's very Southern.

Quinton Robert Smith.

If you don't like that name, fuck you. I put a lot of thought into it before I gave it to my boy.

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