Gut Rumbles
 

May 31, 2007

Suntans

Originally published April 5, 2006

I feel sorry for this guy. He's cursed with the dreaded Red-Headed Gene, which makes him fair of skin and devoid of melanin, so that he never tans--- he simply turns red like a boiled shrimp and then sheds his skin like a molting snake when exposed to sunlight. That's gotta be rough, living in the South and all.

When I lived with Dora, the red-headed woman in my life before the BC came along, I could never take her to the beach for the weekend or spend a lot of time outdoors with her in the summer. She burned to a crisp just looking out the window on sunny days. Except for the scattering of freckles on her body, she had skin so pale that she was almost translucent. 30-weight sunscreen was a necessity when she went outside--- otherwise, she developed a glow-in-the-dark sunburn so severe that I often wondered if I could light a cigarette just by touching it to her heat-radiating body.

I've never had that problem. Thanks to my mutt-mixture heritage, I am blessed with a body that tans easily and seldom burns in the sun. I can recall only three times in my life when I've been sunburned badly enough to blister and peel; usually, I glow red for a day, then turn the color of a well-circulated copper penny after that. (I don't tan brown--- too much Native American blood in me. Sunlight transforms me into a Bronze God--- or at least it did before I became a Matchstick Man. Now I just look like a Bronze Anorexic.)

I enjoy being outdoors and usually by mid-summer, the only part of ME that glows in the dark is my Cracker ass, which resembles a bright white spotlight shining from a red clay riverbank when I'm nekkid. Hell, I have the beginnings of a good tan now, just from working shirtless in my garden for the past week.

Maybe that's why red-headed wimmen are so sexy to me. (Don't get any ideas, Eric--- I said red-headed WIMMEN!) The pale skin, the freckles and the way they seem somehow so delicate just appeals to my primitive instincts. I want to protect them, to ward off evil threats and WORSHIP them, just before I conk them over the head with my hunting club and haul them back to my cave for some serious ravishing.

(Personal experience has shown me that red-heads can ravish pretty seriously right back at you, too. That's another thing I like about them--- but that's a subject for another post.)

My attraction to red-heads is kinda strange, because I think tan lines are sexy on a nekkid woman and red-heads seldom have tan lines, because they are allergic to sunlight. But I still think red-heads are sexy. Go figure.

So, all you untanables out there have my deepest sympathy because you can't enjoy the outdoors the way I can without resembling a throughly boiled lobster fresh from the cook-pot. But you actually are better off staying out of the sun, because it'll age your skin, give you wrinkles and cause deadly, cancerous growths on your body. See? Your recessive genes serve a legitimate purpose other than putting freckles in places where other people don't get them.

As for me, I'll be back out in the yard today--- without a shirt.

Comments
Post a comment














*Note: If you are commenting on an older entry, your
comment will not appear until it has been approved.
Do not resubmit it.