Gut Rumbles
 

May 15, 2007

I feel his pain

Originally published July 26, 2005

I'm a lot like this today, except for having a wife. I don't want one of those, but I sure do seem to have the symptoms of everything the drug companies advertise on television.

I don't think I have toenail fungus yet, but if I keep watching TV, I'm certain that I will. I'm pretty sure that I need medication for irritable bowels (hell--- I'm irritible ALL OVER anymore) and I want to be like that guy "Bob" who takes a pill and sprouts so much wood that it improves his golf game and makes HIS wife think he's a Greek God.

I might even try some of that "feminine hygene" stuff that's supposed to bring a breath of springtime into the user's life. It's hot as hell in Georgia now.

If a patent medicine wagon rolled by the Crackerbox right now, with songs playing through loudspeakers, I'd probably go chase it down like the ice cream trucks of my youth and buy one of everything he had on board. I would eat it, drink it, rub it on my belly or stick it up my ass. Whatever was supposed to work.

I'm just sick and tired of being sick and tired.

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