Gut Rumbles
 

May 13, 2007

Cockatoos

Originally published July 10, 2005

I read this post and I was inspired. [Ed. Link borked.] I don't recall ever writing about it before, but I once owned two Crested Cockatoos (a male and a female) and they were really good companions. They were messy as hell in their cage, but they could talk and I SWEAR that one of them liked to read.

I've got several pictures of me lying on my couch with "Bingo" perched on my head while I was reading. He seemed to be studying the book, too. His only bad habit was the fact that he sometimes enjoyed the story so much that he shit in my hair. That's just one of the drawbacks you must accept if you like tropical birds.

"Bango" was the female, and she wasn't nearly as entertaining as Bingo (and not nearly as tame, either). Being a typical female, she'd bite the shit out of you when she went all hormonal. Plus, I turned her loose in my house one day and the dingbat flew into my chimney. I spent nearly an hour coaxing her out of there.

But she kept Bingo happy because she was a complete slut.

Have YOU ever watched a pair of cockatoos having sex? Bingo drilled Bango (where do you think she got her name?) all the time. If he wasn't hungry, sleepy or talking, Bingo wanted to get laid.

Lemme tell you how this works. Bingo takes a look at Bango's tail feathers and gets the urge. He LEAPS upon her, digs his beak into the back of her neck in a death-grip, and then commits brutal rape. It's all over in about 10 seconds.

After that, once the feathers stop flying, they sit on their perches, coo pleasantly at each other and smoke cigarettes in their afterglow.

That's a LOT more entertaining that owning a got-dam CAT!

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