Gut Rumbles
 

May 12, 2007

The borg collective

Originally published May 2, 2005

I don't like cell phones. I don't own one and I don't intend to get one, either. But I am thoroughly convinced that some people don't need to eat anymore. They absorb all their vital nutrients via a cell phone pressed to their heads.

For some mysterious reason, people with cell phones suffer uncontrollable urges to CALL people all the time, even when they have nothing to say. It's as if they believe that the thing might go bad if they don't use it constantly.

How did we ever manage to DRIVE before the invention of cell phones? I'll wager that 1/4 of the cars I see on the road today is piloted by someone with a cell phone stuck to his or her ear. Either these people are extremely important, with MUCH important communication to impart, or else they're just in need of nutrients and they have learned to absorb it through their ears.

Plus, I HATE the stupid ringy-dingy things people program into their phones. A simple ring like a real phone or maybe a vibration on my belt would be plenty for me. But that ain't true for others.

How many times have you seen some idiot scrambling frantically to find the cell phone while "Jingle Bells," "London Bridge Is Falling Down" or some cheesy Barry Manilow song blared happily away in some solemn place such as... well, a funeral, for instance.

That sound makes my skin crawl.

I find some encouragement in this story. My only problem is, I want to see a cell phone explode while some babbling, yak-a-holic has it pressed to his ear. I want to see hair, skull fragments, blood and brain matter scattered all over the place when the phone drops from a dead hand on a headless body.

If that scene hit the news a few times, maybe some people wouldn't feel the urgent need to talk on the phone all the time. Maybe the Borg Collective would stop multiplying. Maybe people would start making phone calls ONLY when they had something important to say. Maybe people could learn to hang up and drive.

Fat chance. I believe that cell phones DO cause brain tumors. They damn sure make people crazy to talk on the phone.

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