Gut Rumbles
 

May 06, 2007

Animal sacrifice?

Originally published February 25, 2005

I'm not sure what to think about this post. It's just way too spiritual for me. I've committed numerous animal sacrifices in my life, and I never gave a damn about getting to "know the animal in person." (Can you get to know an animal in person? I am confused.)

I kill squirrels because they raid my bird feeders and eat my okra plants. They also will totally fuck up a pear tree. (Pick a pear, take one or two bites, drop that pear to the ground and repeat until all the pears are gone.) The only ritual I perform when I sacrifice those bastards is to center their greedy little heads in the crosshairs of my rifle scope and hold still when I squeeze the trigger.

I kill pigeons because they are nasty, disgusting, shit-making pests. I once took my pellet rifle over to my mama's house and shot 34 of them one Sunday afternoon when she was being overrun by the varmits. Their shit was peeling the paint off her house. I didn't care to get to know a single one of them beforehand. I just shot 'em.

I might like to perform a ritual sacrifice on a cat... I've popped a few of them with the pellet rifle, but only to sting them and run them off, not to kill. I just wanted them to stop pooping in my garden and yowling all night during their nocturnal fuck-fests. But the idea of an altar, a ritual, a sharp knife and a bound cat DOES appeal to me.

One good thing came from reading that post. I now know what a numenist is. I also learned something else, too.

I ain't one.

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