April 16, 2007
Boiled peanuts, part II
Originally published August 28, 2004
She is trying to help, but she doesn't know what she's doing.
Got-dam!!! That is F-ing blasphemy!!! NOBODY who likes boiled peanuts cooks "one pound." One pound of boiled peanuts wouldn't feed an Effingham County SQUIRREL, for crying out loud. That is the most yankee-sounding recipe for boiled peanuts that I've ever read. Dammit, Girl, I believe in manners, but sometimes a man just has to show the way to a lost woman.
The REAL way to make boiled peanuts
1) Buy AT LEAST half a bushel (about 25 pounds). Buy a full bushel (which costs about $35 for 50 pounds if you have some real peanut-eaters coming to your party).
2) Take a water hose and wash all the sand off of them in your driveway. The sand is good for the sandy soil around here and it wets the peanuts down really well. You can do that without taking the peanuts out of the "croaker sack" they come in.
3) Fire up the propane cooker. Invite a couple of neighbors over and offer them a beer.
4) Fill a HUGE pot (I have one that will cook an entire bushel at one time) full of water right from the same garden hose that you washed the peanuts with and place it on the cooker. Dump the peanuts into the water right when you see bubbles coming up the side of the pot.
5) Offer everybody another beer.
6) Pull up a couple of lawn chairs and invite everybody to sit down. Add a FULL pound of salt to the water. Look at the pot and say, "Naw, that ain't enough," and add ANOTHER full pound of salt.
7) When the water starts to boil, turn the burner down to where the water is on a low simmer. Cover the pot with a lid and offer everybody another beer.
8) Let the peanuts cook for about an hour while you and your company exchange stories about horrible ex-wives, how dumb you were as a boy and how that new neighbor has a hottie for a wife.
9) Stick a ladle in the pot and fish out a bunch of peanuts. Throw 'em on a paper plate and pass the plate around. That's a Southern Sampler. Don't be ashamed to ask, "What'cha think?" People who know boiled peanuts will let you know EXACTLY what they think. I usually don't get many complaints. If somebody says, "Not too bad," I know I'm on the right track.
10) When the peanuts are tender but not quite salty enough, turn the propane flame off and allow the peanuts to soak for about an hour. When they start to sink to the bottom of the pot, they are ready to eat and as salty as they're going to get.
Then, pass out the paper plates and give everybody a turn at the ladle. Let 'em dish up what they want. The peanuts will be hot, but not so hot that they burn your tongue. If everybody starts eating and making those good, Southern grunting noises and the ladle never stays in the pot for long, you know that you done good.
THAT'S how you cook boiled peanuts.
All content © Rob Smith