Gut Rumbles
 

April 12, 2007

Horror stories

Originally published May 30, 2006

Commenter Ruth Moran gave me this idea. Do YOU have a horror story about getting poison ivy? If you ever climbed mountains or ran the woods in your life, I'll bet that you do. I'll tell you what happened to ME:

I once went to visit my Cousin Ernie in Loyal, Kentucky. We loaded my car with a six-pack of beer, a .22 rifle and 200 rounds of ammo. Then, we drove to Lewellen, the place where the coal mining camp we were raised in once thrived. It's nothing but jungle now, but we could see the crossties still there, where the railroad man-trip used to haul miners to work.

We decided to climb it, fighting through the underbrush, all the way to the mine entrance. We DID, too--- stopping here and there along the way to drink beer, plunk away with the .22 and take an occasional piss. We fooled around up there until we ran out of beer and ammo, then we hiked back down the mountain.

We had a good time. But the next morning, we BOTH were covered ALL OVER with a horrible poison ivy rash. (And when I say ALL OVER, I'm not kidding. Remember how I said we stopped to take an "occasional piss" on the way up the mountain? Well, if you've got poison ivy juice on your hands and you grab your Roscoe to piss... guess where you ALSO get poison ivy?)

We both looked so bad and itched so bad that my Aunt 'Netta took us to the doctor. I got a cortizone shot and some pink lotion to smear all over myself. The rash dried up fairly quickly, but I was absolutely miserable for a couple of days.

The only sad part of the story is--- when I first was infected, my dick swelled up to three times its normal flaccid size, and if you could ignore the nasty, oozing, pus-filled RASH all over it, it looked like one got-dam impressive tool. But when the rash dried up and went away, so did my awesome appendage. It returned to normal dimensions.

I would have liked to get rid of the rash and KEEP my enhanced dick, but all in all, it was a fair trade. I damn sure didn't like having poison ivy all over my body, and my dick wasn't THAT small to begin with. (BWHAHAHAHAHAAAA!)

I also knew a guy at work who was crawling one of those climber tree-stands up a big pine tree when he crossed some poison ivy. One piece of the ivy flew up and hit him right IN THE EYE!!!

Bejus! You talk about UGLY? He resembled the Elephant Man. He ended up almost losing that eye before the doctors got the outbreak under control. (I am certain that he would rather have had poison ivy on his dick than in his eye. Looking at what happened to him, so would I.)

Try to top THOSE stories!

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