March 31, 2007

Southern Units of Measure

Originally published June 1, 2002

1) A shitpot full. That's a whole bunch of something. Anybody with a shitpot full of money is rich.

2) Out the wazoo. That's a lot of something, but it ain't as much as a shitpot full. As in "Billy-Bob's selling used cars now, and he's making money out the wazoo. But his daddy owns the bank. DADDY'S got a shitpot full of money."

3) A gnat's ass. That's a short distance, usually describing a near miss. As in "Did you see that putt? I just missed it by a gnat's ass." Or, "That log truck changed lanes in front of me and missed my bumper by a gnat's ass. Man, that was CLOSE."

4) A cunt-hair. That's a short distance, usually describing an adjustment in alignment. "Billy-Bob, just move it a cunt-hair to the left and it'll be right on the money." You're talking less than 1/4 inch when you speak of a cunt hair. A gnat's ass can range from 1/4 inch to a few feet.

5) From here to yonder. That's a great distance. Anything that stretches from here to yonder goes a long way. As in "I came home drunk last night and saw that the old lady had throwed all my clothes out in the yard. The dog got a-hold of 'em and had 'em scattered from here to yonder."

6) A blivet. A blivet is ten pounds of shit in a five-pound bag. I don't believe I need further elaboration.