March 18, 2007
Carnival of the Crappers
Originally published April 30, 2005
I believe that this post started the dung-ball rolling. I was kinda proud of that one for a while.
But I was quickly countered by this disgusting post [Ed. Link "404"-ed. Was Dogsnot.] as sort of a uh.... re-buttal to me.
Shortly thereafter came this timely post, which linked a bowel movements to tidal waves, which elevated shit-bloging to an entirely new level. I genuflected in awe and respect when I read that one. I know a shit-master when I see one.
Some people don't blog but still have stories to tell. Here is one:
I was working on a drilling rig in colombia, and I apparently ate something that didn't agree with me because I started with full on diarrea. It got so bad that when I tried to drink some cold water to replace all the fluids I was losing, I crapped it out 2 minutes later, still cold. This was really bad because I was supposed to fly back to Bogota the next day, then fly to Dubai, and I was afraid to move more than 5 feet from a toilet. I finally ate enough immodium that I corked up and I flew back to town. The next day I had a 10 hour flight on lufthansa to germany, then 7 hours to dubai. Stupid me, I forgot my precious immodium pills. I was in the middle of 5 seats, so at the precise moment the seat belt sign went off I had to dash to the bathroom, and I could hear the little german kid next to me say something like "der fatguy has der shitenkopfs", and then start laughing. After 10 hours of this (I hold the lufthansa record for time spent in bathroom), I'm trying to get my stuff and get off the plane, and when I open the overhead my computer bag slides out and lands right in the seat where the little german kid was sitting. Luckily he was standing up, so I didn't crush him with my 10 pound IBM, the little kid says something like "der fattenshittenguy crushenmeheaden" and there were all these angry aryan looks all around me. Luckily, I got away and found out that the german word for pharmacy is kemist, and the german word for immodium is immodium...
Then, you have this story about "designer turds." I can understand store-bought titties, fake noses and even some of the shit that Michael Jackson has done to himself. But submitting to a butt-cut so that you can crap designer turds? I don't understand that.
Other people study the metaphysics of crap.
THE SHIT LIST GHOST SHIT- The kind where you feel the shit come out, but there is no shit in the toilet. CLEAN SHIT- The kind where you shit it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper. WET SHIT- The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you won't ruin them with a stain. SECOND WAVE SHIT- It happens when you're done shitting and you have pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize that you have to shit some more. POP-A-VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD-SHIT- The kind where you strain so much to get it out you practically have a stroke. ICEBERG SHIT- The kind where the shit is so long that the end of it sticks above the water. RICHARD SIMMONS SHIT- You shit so much, you lose 30 pounds. LINCOLN LOG SHIT- The kind of shit that is so huge, you're afraid to flush without breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush. GASEY SHIT- It is so noisy, everyone within earshot is giggling. DRINKER SHIT- The kind of shit you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable traits are the treadmarks on the bottom of the toilet. CORN SHIT- Self-explanatory GEE, I WISH I COULD SHIT, SHIT- It's the kind where you want to shit but all you do is sit on the toilet, cramped, and fart a few times. SPINAL TAP SHIT- That's where it hurts so bad coming out, you'd swear it was leaving you sideways. WET CHEEKS SHIT (THE POWER DUMP)- The kind that comes out of your butt so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water. LIQUID SHIT- The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out your butt and splatters all over the toilet bowl. MEXICAN FOOD SHIT- It smells so bad, the room must be condemned. UPPER CLASS SHIT- The kind that thinks their shit doesn't smell. FISHERMAN'S BOBBER SHIT- That's the kind where you are in a public restroom, there are two people waiting on your stall, you shit and flush two times, but several golfball size pieces are still floating above the water line.
I'll bet that guy knows what a "courtesy flush" is, too.
I actually saw this happen in the Savannah Marathon one year. The leading woman in the race shit all over herself and never slowed down a step. She went on to victory. I'm just glad that I didn't have to present her trophy.
Of course, no crap-blog would be complete without a tasty recipe. Dig in. Enjoy.
One of the all-time classics can be found here if you dare to venture there.
But there you have it. The very first Carnival of the Crappers.
All content © Rob Smith