Gut Rumbles
 

March 09, 2007

The TV brick

Originally published February 29, 2004

I have a TV brick. It's a foam-rubber piece of shit that looks just like a red brick, except you can throw it at the TV and watch it bounce off the screen without doing any serious damage. I throw that thing a lot. It beats taking out one of my guns and blowing the TV to hell.

*Larry King has been hit in the head more times than he knows, that pussy-chasing pussy.

*What was "Bob" like before he started taking the penis-enlargement drugs? What a pathetic fucker he is. If growing a big dick makes me look like him, I'll pass. Take one look at his idiot grin and tell me what made his dick bigger? You think his brains may have drained away to a different part of his body?

*If I were ever married to that snout-faced bitch who stars in the "Free Miles" credit card commercials, I would drag her off and shoot her. "How about Mexico?" (throw in a little cha-cha motion). "NOOOOO! Hawaii!" (big hugs and kisses all around.) There goes the TV brick.

*I despise politicians. John Kerry could stick a dog turd in his mouth, chew it like a cigar and smile the entire time. Yeah. I want THAT MAN to be President.

*There is a thin line between love and hate. That sumbitch is running right up my ass now and I don't understand why. I would never do to my ex-wife what she is doing to me. Jennifer, I once considered you to be the best friend I had in this world. I guess that I was mistaken.

*How many news reporters do you know? I know a bunch of them, and almost without exception they are ignorant, leftist swine. They are as lazy as a cut dog, too. They are more concerned about their hair than they are about the news. I went to J-School. I know who these people are.

*I am in trouble with the law. Big fucking deal. If you DON'T have people like me in the world, people willing to go broke fighting a bad government, this country is doomed.

*I hit Peter-head Jennings with my TV brick every day. Then, I switch channels.

*I'm thinking about taking my dog back to the pound. She doesn't like me and I don't like her. Dingbat.

*I really don't believe in living the "right" way, whatever the hell that means. I don't go to church. I don't pray. If I can't handle what life throws at me, I deserve to lose.

*And I'll throw a TV brick at you as fast as I can pick it up if you piss me off.

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