Gut Rumbles

March 03, 2007

The results are in

Originally published March 30, 2003

I should have posted this yesterday, but I got busy doing other things that I don't remember now. I feel badly enough now to believe that I must have had a lot of fun. Anyway, the votes have been tallied in my 10 MOST LYING, PHONEY-BALONEY, HYPOCRITAL ASSWIPES OF THE LAST 50 YEARS.

First, here is MY list:

1. Jesse Jackson, the Human Seagull

2. Bill Clinton, the human cesspool

3. Lyndon Johnson, the worst thing ever to come out of Texas

4. Robert McNamara, the butcher of young men

5. Ralph Nader, the sickening bastard

6. Walter Cronkite, your lying grandfather

7. Jimmy Carter, the worst thing ever to come out of Georgia

8. Ted Kennedy, a drunk, bloated asshole who should be in jail for vehicular homicide.

9. Sara Brady, the misguided, gun-grabbing, wounded-husband vulture

10. My ex-wife, the bloodless cunt

I received over 100 responses to my poll and it took a lot of work that I didn't feel like doing today to put all the votes together and rank these assholes. All you people who voted for Joe Stalin are SOL, because he died on march 5, 1953 which puts him out of the 50-year range by a couple of weeks. If he had died later, he would have made the top ten. If he had died sooner, millions of people might still BE alive. So it goes.

Anyway, here are the TOP TEN MOST LYING, PHONEY-BALONEY, HYPOCRITICAL ASSWIPES OF THE LAST 50 YEARS as selected by my highly-intelligent readership.

1. William Jefferson Clinton This wasn't even close. He won in a runaway, with 90% of respondents including him on their list. There's your legacy, Bill.

2. Jimmy Carter He was the only person to come close to Bill, and some of the comments included with the votes were WORSE than what people said about Clinton. Take THAT, you grinning jackass.

3. Tom Dashle I was surprised by the rancor my voters feel for that prick. I thought it was just me.

4. Jaques Chirac I didn't put this posturing pissant on MY list because I don't think he amounts to a fart in an Iraqi sandstorm. I am out of touch with my readers on this issue, because they want to feed him his own testicles, which isn't a bad idea, now that I think about it...

5. Hillary Clinton Why am I not surprised? I left her off my list because I experience physical pain when I think of her. I try not to do that. If I see her, I always think of Dorthy looking out her bedroom window in the middle of the tornado and seeing the woman on a bicycle turn into a green-skinned witch. HILLARY!

6. Jesse Jackson I cannot believe that this lying, hypocritical, phoney-baloney asswipe didn't score higher than #6. Jesse set the goddam STANDARD for hypocritical, lying, phoney-baloney asswipes. That's MY humble opinion, anyway. Look where I put him on MY list.

7. Noam Chomsky I don't think Noam deserves such attention. He is a little man, with little ideas and a little dick. If I weren't an honest man, I would have thrown him off this list. But you people voted for him, so I put him where he scored. That's not where he BELONGS, mind you, because I know of a country outhouse that's perfect for him, but he scored #7 in the voting. So there he is.

8. Richard Nixon Goddam, people. He's dead. Leave the poor bastard alone. Besides, he looks like a fucking angel compared to Bill Clinton.

9. Chairman Mao I disagree with this choice and all the people who voted for the man. He was a murdering, insane communist, but he didn't LIE about it. I believe that Mao was one of the most evil people who ever shit between two Chinese sandals in the history of the world, but he wasn't a PHONEY-BALONEY HYPOCRITE. He was just a piece of conscienceless crap. He never tried to sell himself as anything else the way Bill Clinton did.

10. (Tie) Yasser Arafat and Al Gore Where do I begin? If I were casting the tie-breaking vote here, I would have to go with Arafat, because the Nobel Peace Prize-winner is a scumbag that the world would be better off without. But Al Gore is a pretty self-absorbed asshole, too. The main difference is that Al doesn't encourage people to strap on bomb belts and blow themselves up in public places. At least not yet. But he may declare JIHAD on SUVs any day now. Maybe a tie is the right thing.

Others receiving much attention: Jane Fonda, Ralph Nader, OJ Simpson, Al Sharpton, Robert McNamara, George Bush Senior, Nelson Mandela, Michael Moore and Kofi Annan. Three people voted for ME, too. I hope all three of them drown in shit.

If you didn't vote, don't bitch about the results.

Post a comment

*Note: If you are commenting on an older entry, your
comment will not appear until it has been approved.
Do not resubmit it.