Gut Rumbles
 

February 24, 2007

Cell phones

Originally published April 27, 2005

I would like to drag off and shoot everybody who has one. They are GREAT communication devices, but that's not how most people use them. To most people, cell phones are a neat toy to use to call up and irritate somebody for no good reason whatsoever.

I don't like talking on the phone. I never have and I never will. I have TOLD numerous people that I don't like talking on the phone and what do I get? Hey, I'm on their speed-dial--- so call Rob and ask, "Whatcha doing?"

Is that a great way to start an important conversation or what? "Whatcha doing?" Well, I was minding my own fucking business until YOU called. Now, I'm on the phone with a dip-stick who called me just because he or she had happy fingers.

Georgia called me this weekend. It was the typical cell phone call. "Rob! It's Georgia! Does your carpet cleaner have attachments that allow you to clean a car?" I told her that I didn't know, but she was welcome to come over and look at it herself.

"I can't right now, because we're on the way to Melborne. Huh, huh huh. But when we get back, I may want to come look at it." Good, I said. When you get back from Melborne, you are more than welcome to look at my carpet cleaner.

Maybe I'm all fucked-up here, but I have a question. Why in the hell would you call somebody to ask about a carpet cleaner when you are going as fast as you can in the opposite direction from the carpet cleaner? Somewhere on Interstate 95, you realized just HOW IMPORTANT IT WAS to call Rob, RIGHT NOW about his carpet cleaner?

Bullshit. People with cell phones feel a NEED to call somebody. And they do. What REALLY chaps my ass is when the cell-phone addicts call somebody and hand ME the phone, saying "Talk to them."

If I wanted to talk to them, I would have called myself. I don't LIKE to talk on the phone. I don't make calls to ask "whatcha doing?" I don't find the urge to call somebody and ask about a carpet cleaner in Rincon, Georgia, when I'm headed for Melborne, Florida, either.

I think cell phones should be implanted in people's asses and it should hurt like a rock-hard shit to get it out. Maybe that would stop some of the silly crap I see every day.

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