Gut Rumbles
 

February 07, 2007

100 things

Originally published August 30, 2002

The Damned Yankee [Ed. Blog no longer exists.] made me do this.

1. I believe that alcohol, cholesterol, caffeine and nicotine are the four basic food groups.
2. I drink too much.
3. I smoke too much.
4. I eat a lot of greasy fried foods.
5. My blood pressure is 130/80.
6. My cholesterol is 186.
7. I am 50 years old and have a 32" waist.
8. I don't exercise.
9. I believe that doctors and health nuts are full of shit.
10. I believe vegetarians are full of shit, too.
11. I don't want to live to be a hundred years old if I must give up everything I enjoy to do it.
12. I don't want to live to be a hundred years old PERIOD!
13. I own seven guitars.
14. I own two banjos.
15. I own a mandolin AND a violin.
16. I own an autoharp.
17. I cannot play the violin.
18. I've gotten laid a lot because I was a guitar player.
19. I still play guitar, but I don't get laid nearly as often anymore.
20. I don't play guitar in bar bands anymore, either.
21. One year ago, I didn't know what a "Blogger" was.
22. Now I ARE one!
23. I really love corned beef and cabbage.
24. I once kissed Ellie May Clampett.
25. I once owned four goats and 27 chickens.
26. I have two children that I know of.
27. I live by myself now and I LIKE IT that way most of the time.
28. The Three Stooges still crack me up.
29. I don't know how to operate my new digital camera.
30. I miss John Wayne.
31. I DON'T MISS Bill Clinton, that hockwad.
32. I like dogs.
33. I DON'T like cats.
34. Cats like ME, the creepy little shits.
35. The best dog I ever had was named "Wiggles."
36. The ugliest dog I ever saw was Wiggles.
37. I was born on February 16, 1952.
38. Under the sign of Aquarius.
39. I wrote a novel that did not sell.
40. The novel did not sell because it SUCKED.
41. I own a 1964 Martin D-28 guitar that is my pride and joy. It sounds better than any other guitar I've ever heard.
42. O.J. DID IT!
43. Ted Kennedy should be in jail instead of the U.S. Senate.
44. Jimmy Carter was governor of my state and President of the United States, and I never voted for the doofus. Not once.
45. I like pretty, red-polished, feminine toes.
46. I've been known to suck a pretty feminine toe or two when I have the opportunity.
47. I once drank six beers in five minutes to win a bar bet. I spent my winnings on more beer.
48. I also held the pool table at $5.00 a game for over an hour that night.
49. I've never been in the military or gone to war, but I HAVE been shot at.
50. They missed me.
51. I've been to jail once in my life. I didn't like it.
52. I've been to a nudist resort in Key West. I DID like THAT.
53. I consider myself to be a lucky man.
54. I've also had a lot of bad luck in my life.
55. I was diagnosed with serious cancer one year ago this month.
56. I'm okay now, except for missing a few essential body parts that I wish I had back.
57. The missing parts are all INTERNAL! I look FINE on the outside.
58. I have a LOT of scars, all over my body. But I am a TIMEX-- I take a licking and keep on ticking.
59. I just took a 10-day vacation with a woman I met on the internet. I never saw her before she met me in the airport in Jacksonville, Florida. Talk about a blind date? It was a good vacation.
60. I don't have roaches in my house, even though I'm a LOUSY housekeeper. I have CRICKETS! I really don't mind them until they start that SINGING at odd hours of the night. Then, THEY DIE!!!
61. I have a spider in my bathroom. It fashions a web from the back of the commode to the wall and catches mosquitoes in there. I leave it alone. It's been there long enough to be considered a pet.
62. I don't believe that I will ever drown. Water is my friend.
63. I like having a good, bronze suntan in the summer.
64. I am a supervisor at work. I am GOOD at my job.
65. I am in lust with about a dozen women who write to me on my blog.
66. At least ONE of them is truly in lust with ME.
67. I've had my heart truly broken. That still hurts.
68. I once broke someone else's heart, too. I regret that, and maybe I ended up getting what I deserved.
69. I don't believe in God.
70. Therefore, I really don't believe #68. But I still regret what I did.
71. Howie Mandel has NEVER been funny to me.
72. Steven Wright makes me roll on the floor until my sides hurt.
73. Paulie Shore should be dragged off and shot for the good of the human race.
74. Sam Kineson died before his time.
75. I cuss a lot. I'm good at it.
76. I don't trust people who don't cuss.
77. Environmentalists piss me off. Assholes.
78. Politicians piss me off. Assholes.
79. Lawyers piss me off. Assholes.
80. Jesse Jackson is a sleazeball.
81. Al Sharpton is worse than Jesse.
82. Thomas Sowell and Clarence Thomas should be black icons; instead, they are reviled by people who should admire them. Jesse and Al are called "black leaders." Assholes.
83. I have friends visiting who have no electricity. They want a shower and somewhere to store their beer.
84. Now they're bitching because I don't have enough clean towels. Assholes.
85. Major league baseball players didn't strike today. The whining turds don't know how good they've got it. I've gone to the stadium for my last game anyway. Assholes.
86. I like the smell of rain.
87. I eat a lot of boiled peanuts.
88. I grow okra in my garden. I like it fried, or boiled with tomatoes over rice. I can eat that slick, slimy stuff until my drawers won't stay up.
89. I have a wonderful fried chicken recipe that I will NEVER share with anyone. You may taste the chicken, but you'll never know how I make it.
90. I once ate a whole habanero pepper out of a jar and said that it wasn't hot, just to impress some drunken friends. I almost died.
91. Now, I only eat SLICES of habenero peppers. And I HATE MYSELF in the morning anyway.
92. I once was a very good golfer. I haven't played in over a year and I'm not sure that I ever will play again.
93. I stopped drinking tequila years ago, because it made me crazy. I've started drinking it again. It still makes me crazy, but I don't give a shit anymore.
94. I never realized when I started this how difficult it would be to make 100 pithy comments about myself in this post.
95. I have enjoyed group sex numerous times.
96. Guitars are wonderful instruments.
97. I know that I am heterosexual. I gave a guy a blow-job once, and I DIDN'T LIKE IT! If you guys haven't tried that, you're left to WONDER...
98. If I could resurrect a dead person and have dinner and wine with him, I would choose Sam Clemmens. Mark Twain. My idol as a young writer. He remains my idol today.
99. If I could make love to any woman in the world right now, I would choose Nicole Kidman. She's one sexy wench.
100. If I had anything in my life to do over again, I would throw a piece of paper with a phone number on it into the Savannah River while I had the chance. Instead, I called the number. That's the worst mistake I ever made in my life. Long story there, folks, and it didn't have a happy ending.

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