Gut Rumbles
 

December 13, 2006

I'm alive, Part II

Originally published May 24, 2006

I have been VERY sick for the past... shit, I was so sick that I don't remember how long it was. I still don't feel well at all, but I'm ALIVE, if you can call this living. So stop bugging ME, my family, my friends or ANYBODY ELSE about, "How is Rob doing?" If I wanted YOU to fucking know, I'd tell you myself.

I want to make a couple of announcements here:

#1-- I DO NOT HAVE CALLER ID!!!! No, unlike every other "civilized" person on the face of the planet anymore, I don't know in advance whothefuck is calling me until I pick up the phone. That's why I OFTEN DO NOT PICK UP THE PHONE!!! It ain't no personal insult delivered at YOU.

#2--- I DON'T LIKE TO TALK ON THE PHONE!!! That's why I OFTEN DO NOT ANSWER WHEN IT RINGS!!! If you listen to the message on my answering machine, it is simple, honest and to the point. "I'm not answering the phone right now. You know the drill: Hear the beep, leave a message." If that pisses you off, I'm sorry. Get over it, or don't call back.

#3--- I WILL call you back if you left an important message. You know how often THAT happens? About once in a blue moon. 99.9% of the phone calls I receive are from telemarketers, "friends" just wanting to bullshit because they are bored, or fucking WRONG NUMBERS!!! THAT'S WHY I don't jump through my Cracker ass to answer every time the phone rings.

#4--- I spent about 20 years of my life feeling my blood run cold every time the phone rang at home, especially at night or on weekends. That's because I received A WHOLE LOT of calls from work, and those were NEVER good news. In fact, a LOT of them involved a crisis bad enough that I had to crawl out of my warm bed, get dressed and drive to the plant at 2:00 AM. Like Pavlov's dog, I developed a conditioned response to phone calls. But unlike the dog, I learned to expect SOMETHING OTHER than a treat when I heard one. That's why I still DO NOT like phone calls today.

#5--- Unlike most other "civilized" people today, I don't have a phone in every got-dam room of my house. I have ONE PHONE, in my living room. (When I retired from work, I swore that I NEVER would have a fucking phone in my bedroom again, and I kept that oath-- see the reason above.) I also keep that ringy-dingy-thingy turned down as low as it will go so that I CANNOT HEAR IT when I am asleep in my bedroom. I do that for MY BENEFIT, not to INSULT YOU!!!

#6--- I've had some really bad health problems over the past few years. I just went through another one. I personally think that a lot of you people have incredible nerve to call someone VERY sick just to ask, "How are you doin'?" Would you REALLY feel better if I crawled to my ONE FUCKING PHONE, while I vomited and shitted all the way, to tell YOU that "I ain't doin' so good?" So that YOU could reply, "AW... I'm soooooo sorry, you poor baby."

#7--- If I need YOUR help when I'm sick, I'll call YOU!!!! Is that a concept so foreign to people with phone addiction that they can't understand it? If YOU feel a tremendous nursing impulse, an instinct you simply cannot deny, then try something TOTALLY DIFFERENT!!! Come to the patient's house, ring the doorbell and see if he WANTS your help, before you bug the living shit out of a sick man at all hours of day and night with PESTIFEROUS PHONE CALLS!!!

#8--- I am certain that all you people who bugged the shit out of me with pestiferous phone calls when I was deathly ill, MEANT WELL--- but you did me a lot more harm than good. Please---- don't EVER do that again.

#9--- Now, I am going to try to drink a Carnation Instant Breakfast and see if I can get some decent sleep if I can keep that concoction down. I am tired, I am sore all over, I wobble when I try to walk, I haven't eaten, showered or shaved in three or four days, and I probably ought to be in the hospital right now. But I'm NEVER going back to one of those places again. Unless it's the only way I can stop people from CALLING ME ON THE PHONE!!!

#10--- I ain't dead. That's all YOU need to know.

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