Gut Rumbles
 

August 19, 2006

Dad's Best...

From now on, each day, if possible, I'm going to browse dad's archives and post something from the past that I think is worth reading again. If anyone has come across an old post that THEY think is worth re-posting, please let me know.

This one was posted on his old Gut Rumbles site.
on

Saturday December 29, 2001

At least I put last night to good use. I watched my beloved Georgia Bulldogs receive a disgusting ass-whipping from Boston College in the Music City Bowl, did my laundry, opened this blog site, stayed up late drinking wine and slept on the sofa. I woke up looking and feeling like Fido's ass. Now I don't know whether to make a pot of coffee and a lumberjack breakfast or just fix a very large Bloody Mary and waste this entire day.


Maybe I'll do both and finish cleaning my brand-new crackerbox house, except for my son's room, where it appears a daisycutter bomb went off, scattering GI Joes, plastic army men, assorted military equipment and one dirty sock all over the place. No, I'll just keep the door closed to that room and save the mess for the next time he visits so he can clean it up.


Maybe I'll break out my new collection of hypodermic needles and the magic elixer and give myself a crank injection. No, not the drug "crank," but an injection IN my crank. It's a long story, partially told below.


Before my bloodless cunt of an ex-wife started screwing her unemployed, dope-smoking lover and divorced me, I had a 3,200 square foot home on five acres of land, with four goats, 28 chickens, 3 dogs, 2 cats, and a half-acre garden. It was a genuine country estate, located more than a mile down a dirt road off Highway 30. I loved it there, not only because I could tend my animals, collect fresh eggs every day and pretend to be a farmer, but also because I could piss off my back porch any time I wanted to without worrying about being seen. Of course, I sometimes do that now, and even though I don't WORRY about being seen, I probably am.


I really liked my goats. I started out with two, Billy and Opie. I kept them in my fenced, two-acre North Forty out back, where they made great lawn mowers, keeping the prolific bermuda grass in the pasture neatly trimmed and providing entertainment in the evening when they would butt heads and attempt to hump each other in spite of the fact that they were both males.


The people who owned the house before me had kept horses back there and they (the horses) had torn a lot of holes in the fence. In the first spring I lived there, this presented a problem when a female goat down the street went into heat and I discovered that Opie should have been named "Houdini" for his ability to find escape routes in his quest to run down the street and service the available and willing "Elvira," a complete slut of a goat that now reminds me of my ex-wife. Every time I discovered him missing, I would drive my truck down to Bob and Sue's, find Opie in their goat pen, catch the horny bastard and have Sue drive me back home while I pinned Opie down in the bed of my truck until I could put him back in the pasture. I kept patching the fence and Opie kept escaping.


Finally, when Sue called one more day to announce, "He's Baaaaaak!" I had had enough. I went to Choo Choo's building supply store and bought enough fence to redo the entire area that the horses had damaged. When I started hanging the new fence, Billy stood by watching, munching bermuda grass and seeming only vaguely interested in what I was doing. I was mumbling to myself about how this would fix that rotten Cool Hand Luke once and for all and I would never have to go rope and wrestle his smelly ass back home again. When my big dog, Bud, walked up beside me, I didn't think twice about it. In fact, I believe I started telling him about how I was going to make it impossible for Opie to break out, run down the street and get laid again.


Then I heard "baaaaa." I looked over the new fence I was hanging and saw Billy on the other side, giving me the closest thing to a goat-grin I had ever seen. I dropped my hammer and said, "Whoa. You stay right there. I've got something nice for you." I ran to the barn, poured some goat feed into a bucket and ran back, hoping to lure the wandering goat back home. By then, however, he was nowhere to be seen. That's when I realized that Bud, being smart and powerful enough to unlatch the gate with his nose, had done exactly that when he came to see what I was doing. He also left the gate wide open behind him. Although Billy never crawled through holes in the fence that were barely larger than his head the way Opie did, he couldn't resist the sight of the open gate, where he could stroll to freedom with no effort whatsoever. Now I had two escapees to capture.


I finished hanging the fence before I went goat hunting. Opie, of course, was looking spent and satisfied, smoking a cigarette, barely able to keep his eyes open in Sue's goat pen. The slut-goat Elvira was asleep in the hay. But Billy was nowhere to be found. I captured Opie and took him home, which didn't take long because I was having so much practice at it. Then I drove around on a Billy-hunt and couldn't find him anywhere. I finally gave up.


About an hour later, I heard a knock on the front door and answered it to discover a teenaged boy that I didn't recognize. "Mister, are you missing a big, white goat?" he asked.


"Umm... that depends," I answered. "What did he do?"


"He's down at my house eating grass with our horses. Miss Sue said she thinks he belongs to you."


I confessed that the big, white goat was probably my missing Billy and that I would go retrieve him directly. I saw my neighbor, Cathy, an experienced goat-roper herself out in her yard, so I stopped and persuaded her to drive my truck back home after I captured the wandering Billy. We went together on the goat-quest.


Sure, enough, Billy was munching grass with the horses at the teenager's house. I still had my bucket of goat feed, so I first attempted to lure the hammer-headed creature to the truck by waving food under his nose. He preferred to eat grass with the horses. Then I decided to get physical. I would simply catch him unaware, snatch all four legs off the ground and carry him, bleating and grunting, back to my truck. It always worked on Opie, so I knew I could do it.


One factor I left out of my carefully calculated equation was the fact that Billy was at least half-again larger, heavier and meaner than Opie. When I attempted to wrap one arm around his neck and the other arm around his smelly ass and lift him off the ground, he didn't lift. He took off running. I found myself hanging on to a running goat by one arm around his neck while I was being dragged like a ragdoll along the ground, through a muddy ditch, and back onto some grass. I thunk a brilliant thought then: I'll grab one of his back legs and trip him up! So, I did, which threw him down on his side with all four cloven-hooved legs pointed right at me as I lay beside him. He proceeded to kick me with an action much like the bobbin on a sewing machine. As I am getting the upper hand by crawling on top of him to stop those painful leg-kicks, he commences to piss like a racehorse all over us both. Then he jerks his head up suddenly and gives me a head-butt right between the eyes with that Klingon forehead of his.


I am seeing stars, I believe I have some broken ribs and I know I have goat-piss soaking my clothes. But by then, I have an audience of about a dozen people, including several children who know me and who shout "Get him, Mr. Rob! Get him!" while the adults piss all over themselves laughing at me. I finally get a rope around his neck and wear him out just before I expire from exhaustion, pain, shame and humiliation. I wrestle the nasty bastard into the bed of my truck with the help (better late than never) of the teenaged boy who alerted me of my goat's location. I return Billy to the fenced North Forty, where he resumes his duty of eating grass as if nothing out of the ordinary had occurred that day.


I went to the kitchen table and fixed myself a strong drink. Cathy had one, too, laughing and pinching her nose shut while she described the manly scent, at least for a goat, that surrounded me like a cloud. I had mud and goat-piss all over me and my left eye was swelling closed and turning black from the vicious head-butt I had received from that Klingon skull. When my slut of an ex-wife came home (of course, that was before the adultery, the unemployed dope-smoker lover and the divorce, so she was still my darling then) she took one look at me and said, "My God! What happened to you?"


"You oughta see the other guy," I replied

~Acidman Mars

Comments

I remember reading that one after I had started reading him on this site. I was excited that I found his old archives and could go back and get the rest of the story so I could fill in the blanks. I can't believe it's been almost 2 months since he's been gone; I still miss visiting here everyday.

Thanks for doing this, Sam, I think it's wonderful. Hugs & love from Canada.

Posted by: Lisa on August 19, 2006 07:53 PM

Samantha,

First of all my sincere condolences on your father's passing. I didn't know the Acidman; but, I can certainly relate to many of his homegrown stories. I too, grew up in Savannah but moved to Tucson in 1976. Savannah is the kind of town that once you start comparing stories it isn't long before you start realizing there are folks in common. ( I graduated from SHS in 70 and grew up on the eastside , too.)

I have been reading all of the blogs since I discovered y'all's blog last weekend. I discovered a post that really spoke to me and felt it, too would be worthwhile to bring forward.

I"M TRYING
Death is nothing at all. It does not count. I have only
slipped away into the next room. Nothing has happened.
Everything remains exactly as it was. I am I, and you are
you, and the old life that we lived so fondly together is
untouched, unchanged. Whatever we were to each other,
that we are still. Call me by the old familiar name. Speak
of me in the easy way which you always used. Put no
difference into your tone. Wear no forced air of solemnity
or sorrow. Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes
that we enjoyed together. Play, smile, think of me, pray
for me. Let my name be ever the household word that it
always was. Let it be spoken without an effort, without
the ghost of a shadow upon it. Life means all that it ever
meant. It is the same as it ever was. There is absolute and
unbroken continuity. What is this death but a negligible
accident? Why should I be out of mind because I am out
of sight? I am but waiting for you, for an interval, some-
where very near, just round the corner.
All is well.

Copied off the blog, sorry I neglected to get the date. http://www.qunl.com/rees0007.html

Sincerely,
jordangirl

Posted by: shs70grad on August 20, 2006 12:44 AM

Sam - this was an excellent choice... thanks for keeping his site going.....wishing you well.

Posted by: Jean on August 20, 2006 10:50 AM

Hey, if they can do this with Peanuts, why not you and Gut Rumbles? Classic but in a obviously different manner. - ds

Posted by: Dishonorable Schoolboy on August 20, 2006 11:12 AM

I agree Sam, Excellent choice.
Thanks!

Posted by: Treasa on August 20, 2006 12:07 PM

Thank you, Sam. I only started reading Acidman about a year and a half ago, and never had the time to go back through his archives. Thank you for taking the time to do this.

Posted by: Mrs_Who on August 20, 2006 01:34 PM

Wait a sec ... he had cats?

Posted by: erica on August 20, 2006 01:48 PM

I remember this day very clearly. Sue and my wife Cathy came home and were sitting around the pool and would just break out laughing and have to re-count Rob and his goat roaping adventure that day. He also caught a lot of flack over the day he set the pile of stumps on fire and rattled my windows a 1/2 mile away. We are talking a really big boom.

Posted by: Willy on August 20, 2006 03:58 PM

That's a new one on me. What a great story. Gosh I still miss him so much.

Thanks Sam for digging this one out.

Posted by: Libby on August 20, 2006 05:34 PM

This is a great idea Sam! I never really went through very many of the archives, but I think this will be a wonderful opportunity for me to get to know a lot more about Acidman. I miss his daily posts. Although I wasn't close with him and never had any communication he made an impact on my life by reading his stories.

Posted by: Beth on August 20, 2006 05:37 PM

I remember this'n.

Man, could Rob ever tell a story.

Posted by: Elisson on August 20, 2006 07:18 PM


Sam, thanks for re-publishing this story. It's a good 'un.

Posted by: homebru on August 20, 2006 08:34 PM

Sam,

Terrific idea.

Posted by: Jim - PRS on August 21, 2006 09:01 AM

Twice told tale. Worthy!

Excellent!

Thanks.

Posted by: OldHopSing on August 21, 2006 10:27 PM

I was very surprised, in a good way, when I saw posts back here at Gut Rumbles. I had just ventured into reading the blogosphere when I happened upon this site.

I spent many days reading all of his posts via the archives. He truly was gifted in telling a tale or two. I'm so glad Samantha that you've taken up the slack by posting his archives. The blogosphere is minus one of the great ones...

Posted by: Dazd on August 22, 2006 04:20 PM
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