June 22, 2006
I am embarassed. I have some real dumbasses reading my blog, which doesn't say much about me. Maybe I need to start writing more like the "Dick & Jane" authors from my elementary school days.
Naw. Wouldn't work. "See Spot? Run, Spot, run!" would still sail over a lot of flat-heads today. The disturbing part of that realization is knowing that such people don't KNOW they're dumb as a red brick. THEY believe that they are SMART! And they vote, too. For Democrats, such as Ted Kennedy and Cynthia McKinney.
Lemme try to keep this simple... Damn! I'm not sure if I can, since I have to write it, which means you have to READ IT, which probably leaves a lot of people locked out of the door right there. But I'll try.
Ahem... pay attention now... if someone ever says "It's as clear as MUD," that's a... well, you won't understand. Just do this. Take two identical glasses right out of your dishwasher. Fill one up with distilled water and fill the other with MUD. Hold them up to a light.
Notice the difference? The distilled water is clear, while the glass of mud is... NOT CLEAR. Get it? When someone tells you "It's clear as MUD," they mean it's just like that glass of mud you're looking at. The one in your OTHER HAND, dummy, not the one with the distilled water in it.
NO, dammit! NOT THAT HAND!!! The one with the god-dam, cock-sucking, mutha-fucking, MUD in it!!! You fricking idiot! Just stop right where you are. Gimme both glasses. Now...
SMACK! CRASH! SLAM! Okay, I broke BOTH glasses over your pointy, empty head, you moron. So, we can forget that question now, as long as you don't step on the broken glass on the floor. If you do THAT, I'm gonna drag you off and shoot you.
Now... let's try another one. And I really, really want you think hard about this. Concentrate, or it could get nasty. "Wish in one hand and shit in the other, and see which hand fills up first."
NO, got-dammit!! Pull your pants back up! I didn't really mean for you to shit in your hand, you fricking cretin! Oh, never mind. You've already started, so go ahead and finish, you nasty... bejus... By the way, where is your wish? In that empty hand? How are you gonna wipe your ass, with that wish filling up your free hand?
That's great. Just drag your bottom across the carpet like a dog with worms...
All right, let's try this one... "A stitch in time saves nine." What? Yeah, you're right. Who needs stitches when you've got a tube of super-glue. Aw, fuck me dead! Did you just glue your ass-cheeks shut? And you're stuck to the carpet now? Well, I guess you shoulda wished as hard as you shit. Then you wouldn't be in the shape you're in...
One more time: "When the cat's away, the mice will play." No, I don't know the cat's name. Maybe it WAS the one that I shot in the ass with my pellet gun, but that's not relevant here. No, I'm not claiming you as a relative of mine. Where the hell did you get THAT idea? Oh, from holding a handful of shit and having your butt super-glued to the floor? Yeah, THAT'LL make you think, won't it?
NO, got-dammit! That quote has nothing to do with a computer. I'll click and delete your ASS if you ask me another dumbfuck question. I've got your mouse right HERE, danglin'...
Let's start all over again. "It's as clear as MUD to me!"
Anybody got questions now?
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