Gut Rumbles
 

June 22, 2006

sharp people

I am embarassed. I have some real dumbasses reading my blog, which doesn't say much about me. Maybe I need to start writing more like the "Dick & Jane" authors from my elementary school days.

Naw. Wouldn't work. "See Spot? Run, Spot, run!" would still sail over a lot of flat-heads today. The disturbing part of that realization is knowing that such people don't KNOW they're dumb as a red brick. THEY believe that they are SMART! And they vote, too. For Democrats, such as Ted Kennedy and Cynthia McKinney.

Lemme try to keep this simple... Damn! I'm not sure if I can, since I have to write it, which means you have to READ IT, which probably leaves a lot of people locked out of the door right there. But I'll try.

Ahem... pay attention now... if someone ever says "It's as clear as MUD," that's a... well, you won't understand. Just do this. Take two identical glasses right out of your dishwasher. Fill one up with distilled water and fill the other with MUD. Hold them up to a light.

Notice the difference? The distilled water is clear, while the glass of mud is... NOT CLEAR. Get it? When someone tells you "It's clear as MUD," they mean it's just like that glass of mud you're looking at. The one in your OTHER HAND, dummy, not the one with the distilled water in it.

NO, dammit! NOT THAT HAND!!! The one with the god-dam, cock-sucking, mutha-fucking, MUD in it!!! You fricking idiot! Just stop right where you are. Gimme both glasses. Now...

SMACK! CRASH! SLAM! Okay, I broke BOTH glasses over your pointy, empty head, you moron. So, we can forget that question now, as long as you don't step on the broken glass on the floor. If you do THAT, I'm gonna drag you off and shoot you.

Now... let's try another one. And I really, really want you think hard about this. Concentrate, or it could get nasty. "Wish in one hand and shit in the other, and see which hand fills up first."

NO, got-dammit!! Pull your pants back up! I didn't really mean for you to shit in your hand, you fricking cretin! Oh, never mind. You've already started, so go ahead and finish, you nasty... bejus... By the way, where is your wish? In that empty hand? How are you gonna wipe your ass, with that wish filling up your free hand?

That's great. Just drag your bottom across the carpet like a dog with worms...

All right, let's try this one... "A stitch in time saves nine." What? Yeah, you're right. Who needs stitches when you've got a tube of super-glue. Aw, fuck me dead! Did you just glue your ass-cheeks shut? And you're stuck to the carpet now? Well, I guess you shoulda wished as hard as you shit. Then you wouldn't be in the shape you're in...

One more time: "When the cat's away, the mice will play." No, I don't know the cat's name. Maybe it WAS the one that I shot in the ass with my pellet gun, but that's not relevant here. No, I'm not claiming you as a relative of mine. Where the hell did you get THAT idea? Oh, from holding a handful of shit and having your butt super-glued to the floor? Yeah, THAT'LL make you think, won't it?

NO, got-dammit! That quote has nothing to do with a computer. I'll click and delete your ASS if you ask me another dumbfuck question. I've got your mouse right HERE, danglin'...

Let's start all over again. "It's as clear as MUD to me!"

Anybody got questions now?

Comments

Keep in mind, it's an absolute certainty that about 50% of the population of the Earth is of below average intelligence.

Posted by: GORDON on June 22, 2006 09:21 PM

Saayyyy, that's about a slick as greased owlshit on a doordnob.

Posted by: Jeffro on June 22, 2006 09:30 PM

ROFLMFAO!

Posted by: Delftsman3 on June 22, 2006 09:31 PM

"You give 'em books, and you give 'em books, and all they do is chew on the covers."

I stopped watching Leno. Not just because he's mostly not funny, but because those "Man on the Street" interviews were giving me heartburn. You know the ones I'm talking about: where they send someone out to ask random passersby really simple questions, like "How many states are there?" or "What is the country north of the United States?" or "How many eggs are in a dozen?" - and the morons cannot answer 'em. Good Gawd, this country is in trouble...

Posted by: Elisson on June 22, 2006 10:03 PM

I laughed so hard, the grandbaby thought I was having a stroke. I might have one yet.

Oh, Dammit, Rob, that was cruel.

Posted by: PawPaw on June 22, 2006 10:09 PM

Damn that's funny.

Just one question. Has a wompus cat got a red ass?

Posted by: phin on June 22, 2006 10:46 PM

I suppose some people need to be handed their sign.

Fantastic rant, though. ;)

Posted by: Cythen on June 22, 2006 11:05 PM

I'm both.
Depends on what time of day. how much sleep I got, and so on.
I'm leaning towards "blithering" at the moment, but stay tuned.....

Posted by: Horrabin on June 22, 2006 11:51 PM

I thought it was preach'n to the choir?

Posted by: Maeve on June 22, 2006 11:53 PM

I KNOW all those. I just can never figure out ‘don’t do anything I wouldn’t do’.

That one always gets me cross-brained. Even if I figure out that I AM supposed to do what they do, or NOT do what they do, I forget it and have to start over because it just doesn’t seem right.

I hate that phrase.

Posted by: EZfromfaraway on June 23, 2006 12:19 AM

Excellent. I couldn't stop laughing.

Posted by: Justin Buist on June 23, 2006 01:08 AM

Argh! Gordon stole my comment, so I'll go with a man on the street question. After Canada and Mexico, which country is closest to the USA? You already have a hint.

Posted by: Ivan Ivanovich on June 23, 2006 07:26 AM

That was great.

Posted by: Jane on June 23, 2006 08:46 AM

Thank you, thank you, thank you - that made me as happy as a pig in shit!

Posted by: Mel on June 23, 2006 09:47 AM

Keep in mind, it's an absolute certainty that about 50% of the population of the Earth is of below average intelligence.

Gordon, our local paper likes to point out that the kids in the local public schools are scoring above the state average. They don't mention that the state average ranks near the bottom nationally. Hence:

"If your kid's dumb as dirt, all you have to do is point out that, as dirt goes, he's above average."

Posted by: McGehee on June 23, 2006 11:14 AM

"See Dick Run. See Jane Spot."

Health text for the grade school kids.

Posted by: Ralph Gizzip on June 23, 2006 07:30 PM
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