Gut Rumbles
 

June 21, 2006

another comment on a comment

When I wrote about using super glue to close a gaping, self-inflicted knife wound in my hand the other day, people wrote me about how bad tetanus was. They made it sound really scary. I received this comment:

And, your dick falls off, slowly, and with considerable discomfort. But, you go ahead and do what you think best........

Posted by Ol' Lurker at June 21, 2006 11:01 AM

Sorry, buddy, but you can't frighten ME with that shit. My dick fell off in 2001, when I had surgery for prostate cancer. I went 18 months with nothing down there but a piss-nozzle, and even THAT didn't have a good shut-off valve on it anymore. I had to wear diapers and change my sheets almost every day, because I pissed all over the place in my sleep.

It was the most degrading thing that ever happened to me in my life.

I got a fix a flat kit from my urologist, which was a vial of some kind of wonder-drug, along with a box of hypodermic needles. If I wanted an erection, all I had to do was load one of those needles with the wonder drug, then plunge the needle into the base of my penis, and presto!!!! I got an erection.

At the risk of pissing her off, I'm just gonna say, ask her about that. She saw me do it. In fact, with her nursing experience, she even loaded the needle for me once. (Joanie--- if you get angry with me for writing this, I'm sorry. You've been a good friend to me and somebody I'll always remember. But I'm calling on you to testify that I AM NOT making this shit up! You're not embarassed or ashamed about sleeping with me four years ago, are you? I hope not. I don't see anything to be ashamed of. Maybe I shouldn't advertise it over the internet, but I have no regrets about our time together. In fact, I would hop in your britches again tomorrow if you gave me the chance.)

That needle crap was no fun at all. I didn't like doing it and I never knew what I was gonna get from those shots. Yeah, they would stiffen the old wanger, but try a six-hour, painful erection a couple of times, and you'll WANT your dick to fall off. I hated that shit.

So, I got a penile implant. I have bionics now. Whoopie!!! If I want a hard-on, all I have to do is push the button and squeeze. Works every time.

I hate THAT, too.

I once suggested the name "Three-Balled Toad" for a rock & roll band I was playing in, and the other members of the band called me obscene names and told me that I was outta my mind. Maybe they were correct in their harsh judgment of me and my grand imagination. But guess what?

I AM a three-balled toad now. I would be happy to let you check the equipment and see what you think. That pumper-upper device in my nutsack feels a lot like a third testicle down there. Honest. It DOES.

I have to be careful about sitting on it wrong, or else I appear to become aroused when I'm not. And if Roscoe suddenly decides to crawl around and eat ants, I have to go to the bathroom and deflate the sucker with the front of my pants bulging out when I walk.

Plus, it ain't nearly as good as the original equipment. It feels all plastic and artificial to me. Not nearly as BIG, either, and any woman who tells you that size doesn't matter is lying to you. What I have now is better than nothing, but not by much.

Maybe that's why I don't date and chase wimmen anymore. I'm not very interested in sex nowdays. The truth is... I couldn't care less about it.

Don't get me wrong--- I still love wimmen and I like having one in my bed at night. Snugglin' is good. Sex is still fun and very enjoyable to me. But I really prefer someone I can talk to and play guitar for, and sing to, and somebody to hug me when I'm feeling low, which is a LOT of the time anymore. I feel incomplete without a woman in my life.

But I feel even MORE incomplete because my dick really DID fall off... in 2001.


Comments

Damn 2001 was a very bad year.

All kinds of things were "falling."

Posted by: Maggie on June 21, 2006 05:35 PM

... what kind of weather does that thing forecast?...

Posted by: Yogimus on June 21, 2006 05:36 PM

Tetanus from a knife straight out of the dishwasher?

Hmmm.

I'm thinking you don't need to worry.

Posted by: GORDON on June 21, 2006 05:55 PM

What was that you were saying about friends not exposing things said or done in private? Oh, yeah. I remember now.

Posted by: Tessa on June 21, 2006 06:10 PM

Pft...
I knew as soon as I read that comment that it wasn't gonna phase you...

Posted by: Stevie on June 21, 2006 06:10 PM

Tessa,
In case you don't know, there was no big secret about that as it was happening.

It's oooold news and she talked about it a LOT, too.

Rob divulged no secrets by saying that, nor did he stab anybody in the back, so chill.

Posted by: Stevie on June 21, 2006 06:12 PM

Tessa, just what is the bug up YOUR ass?

Read Joanie's archives. She never tried to hide her visit with me. We both had a wonderful time at Daytona Beach together and she got to meet a lot of my friends and family, too.

Yeah, we FUCKED!!!

Isn't that terrible?

I think that's what YOU need, you bitch.

Posted by: Acidman on June 21, 2006 06:16 PM

She's stuck up Livey's ass is what her problem is...

Posted by: Stevie on June 21, 2006 06:18 PM

Acidman, I've read a lot of your writing. This is one of your best. Nicely written.

Posted by: Mark on June 21, 2006 07:23 PM

LOL...jeeeezzz, Acidman. It was 'you' that wrote an entire paragraph suggesting that she might not appreciate you mentioning it. I wasn't upset about anything at all...just asked a question. It's not like everyone who reads your blog knows details of your past lives or anything. Stevie, if I had a blog with a lengthy thesis on what makes Acidman tick like you did, and jumped to his defense everytime he has a few words with someone, I'd mind my mouth about suggesting someone has their head up anyone else's ass. It's kinda like correcting someone's spelling when your blog is filled with misspelled words, intentional or not. Or, did you forget that?

Posted by: Tessa on June 21, 2006 07:30 PM

Dang...that post made me sad, especially the "Don't get me wrong" paragraph.

Posted by: Lisa on June 21, 2006 07:47 PM

Repercussions I can handle. Honest critique, such as yours, I can handle. Anger from the offended, I can handle. Hypocritical, ass kissing crap, I don't handle as well.

Posted by: Tessa on June 21, 2006 08:04 PM

I didn't talk about it - a little or a lot, Stevie. Just another one of your imaginings. Rob and I joked about what we did because there was nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, other than joking around about what MIGHT have happened, nobody knew for certain unless they happened to have been there, or they were a very close friend to whom either of us confided. It was much more fun letting people wonder than it would have been running around telling everyone straight out.

Our blogging while on vacation together led to much speculation and very little confirmation. We had fun! That's all that mattered. Hell, those posts from way back when were fun to write and to collaborate on.

Now? No worries. Water under the bridge. If he doesn't mind talking about it, why should I?

I watched Rob endure the injections. I saw the after-effects. What he endured for a bit of pleasure was more grueling than anyone can imagine. He choose to do that, I was flattered, we had some fun, and Rob darlin', when we finally meet up again, we'll have fun whether or not there's any sex involved. Cuz that's the kind of friends we are.

I'm not mad you shared the info with anyone. As long as you were honest (and very nice), that's what matters.

Oddly, I wouldn't have known about for another week if it hadn't been for a mutual friend giving me the heads up. I'm neck deep in shit around here anymore. Finding kind words written about me is a treat.

So, just to clarify for everyone:
1) I'm not mad at Rob for telling our secret.
2) I saw that needle and the meds and that was nothing to sneeze at.
3) The side effects were pretty gnarly.
and finally, 4) Anyone who has ever shared a bed (for sleeping or anything else) knows the man gives off enough heat while he sleeps to keep eskimos in hot water for a year. Envy me for that knowledge, folks. Or not. And really, there WAS a lot of actual sleeping occurring.

And Rob, cuddling is always good with you.

Posted by: Joanie on June 21, 2006 08:15 PM

P.S. Rob, I have no archives anymore. All the old posts are on your site...and those are some of the funniest stuff I ever had the pleasure of co-writing.

We did have a great time, didn't we? Vacations should really last longer. And friends shouldn't have to live so far apart.

Posted by: Joanie on June 21, 2006 08:27 PM

Now see there? Joanie has class. She spoke the truth to those who 'thought' they read detailed archives that don't exist.

Acidman, I apologize for being sarcastic. I jumped to a conclusion based only upon what I read in one paragraph. I wish I had asked in a different way.

Posted by: Tessa on June 21, 2006 08:32 PM

Nothing wrong with using Super Glue to close a wound. A buddy of mine is an ER doc and he uses it sometimes because it leaves less scarring than stitches would..

Posted by: Ralph Gizzip on June 21, 2006 09:31 PM

Tessa...
At least I think about and maybe try to figure out where Rob's coming from instead of making assumptions... like YOU DO (as well as the rest of the "holier than thou" brigade).

And, don't even try to tell me that that shit you said wasn't a dig at him about that whole "Livey" debacle.
What she did to him and what he said about Joan aren't even close to the same thing and you're only proving your ignorance by trying to say it is.

I told you before... I write the way I talk. Did YOU forget THAT?
Wanna know what else?
I'm not the only one who does that.
Jett, Lil Toni and Rob himself come RIGHT to mind. Funny how I'm the only one you seem to notice does it.

You took a totally uncalled for and incorrect, assumptive dig at Rob and I'd do the same thing if you attacked anybody else I care about like I do Rob, if any of those people blogged and were unfortunate enough to attract the likes of you.

You are the type of woman who reinforces his opinion that wimmen are cunts.
Congratulations on being a stereotype.
You wear it PERFECTLY.

And, Joan... don't getcher panties in a wad.
That happened years ago, it was no secret and for Tessa to try to use you or Rob mentioning you as a club to bash him with was just stupid.

And, funny... Rob also thought you still had the archives, just like I did. First you say to me that you didn't talk about it, then you say you lost the archives from back then.

How do you lose what you say you didn't do?
What archives were there to no longer have if you didn't talk about it, know what I mean?
And, honestly... do ya really think "nobody knows unless they were there or were told"?
C'mon...
Odd how Rob's reply to Tessa was no surprise, ain't it?

It was no secret, it's no big deal and it's old news.
Relax already.

My point was that you'd not be pissed at him for what he said and you said yourself you're not, so just relaaaax.

Posted by: Stevie on June 22, 2006 04:33 AM

You are the type of woman who reinforces his opinion that wimmen are cunts.
Congratulations on being a stereotype.

Stevie: I'm more concerned about stereotypical, young women such as yourself who try to ingratiate themselves to men by running to their defense when someone asks them a valid question. It is very, very important that you look inside yourself and understand that you cannot transform a man's opinion of women (yourself in particular) by pretending to 'understand' their psyche's. You really must give up this approach before you run out of gas. If all else fails and you don't see the flaw in your approach, maybe he'll give you a go at that bionic toy of his, and you can learn the hard way when he announces his conquest to the world by telling everyone how he FUCKED you too. That way, you can sit in the manure pile in the pasture of life and feel sorry for yourself and wonder what the hell happened. I have a lot of compassion for people who try to better themselves, but I have none for people who are in denial and use those weaker than themselves to live off their pain and goodwill. I've lived much too long to feel sorry for the manipulative, self-pitying crybabies they become when their abusive ways don't work. With any luck, you'll live long enough to reach that point in life. Rob says he welcomes diverse opinion. He got it. So far, he hasn't deleted my opinions. I respect him for that, and I don't recall him asking for help. Silly girl, you.

Posted by: Tessa on June 22, 2006 11:48 AM

I have answered this horseshit at Xfire.
Do ya THINK you can find your way over there, or do I need to make a second trackback?

You do have the mental capacity to click the first trackback, read that, then click on the link labelled "Main" at the top of that page, do you not?

If you need a MAP, you fuckin' retard, let me know and I'll draw ya one.

Posted by: Stevie on June 22, 2006 02:57 PM

You're right, Tessa. Joanie has class.

You don't.

Posted by: Acidman on June 22, 2006 06:10 PM

Oooh! I'm back up to having class again! Good. I was worried there for a bit. I TRIED to be as Anna Nicole as possible, but that takes far too much work.

Heh.

Sorry, I thought it was funny. Joanie...class...I don't often see those two words in the same sentence unless separated by the words "has no".

Thanks for the smiles on that one.

Posted by: Joanie on June 24, 2006 06:25 AM
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