Gut Rumbles
 

June 13, 2006

boogers

Here's another design flaw in the human body: boogers.

I realize that nose hair serves as a kind of filter to catch crap when you breathe. What I DON'T understand is why stuff that you don't want in your lungs builds up to form a booger in your nose. What kind of shit is THAT?

Admit it--- you've seen people picking their noses in a car stopped at a traffic light. Hell, you've probably done it yourself. But it's still pretty gross, don't ya think?

People who would NEVER even CONSIDER masturbating in a car stopped at a traffic light pick their noses with glorious abandon. A few real deviants examine the harvest and then EAT IT when they get a really good one underneath a fingernail. I would rather watch 'em whack off than see disgusting nose-picking. Especially when the results of a deep nose-pick becomes a feast.

I mention this subject because I took a nap to the sound of pleasant rainfall this afternoon, and woke up with a sinus cloggage that obviously was a big BOOGER stuck in my nose. I was all alone. By myself. Maybe not in the dark, but nobody was watching me. I could have stuck half my HAND up my nose for some serious excavation and no one would have seen me.

But I didn't do that. I went to the bathroom, tore off a piece of toilet paper and blew my nose into it.

Oh, MAN! What a relief! I dislodged the booger and felt MUCH better afterward. But when I wadded up the toilet paper and tossed it in my commode, I made the mistake of looking in the mirror. Bejus!

I had a got-dam loogie, one that resembled a raw oyster, still hanging out of my nose and trying to embed itself in my moustache. That was a disgusting sight. Without thinking first, I grabbed it in my fingers and started to pull on it.

Holey moley! It just kept COMING, out and out and getting bigger and bigger until I thought that my freaking brain-stem might be attached to the other end. It was like dragging the grasping tentacle of a large octopus outta my nose. I horrified myself by doing it.

The GOOD NEWS is, I finally got rid of it. The damn thing musta weighed a pound. I breathe a lot better now. Wanna hear even BETTER NEWS???

I didn't eat it.

(Heh. I'm going after another title. I'm already "King of the Crap-Bloggers." I wanna be "The Baron of Booger-Blogging," too.)

Comments

Damn good booger-blogging. You write so eloquently about the most godawful stuff...

Posted by: Patrick on June 13, 2006 10:58 PM

You could have added some hot sauce and passed it along as a big oyster.

Posted by: Catfish on June 13, 2006 11:23 PM

Ew, Rob. Just ewwwwwww.
I read that story 'bout the wallet swimmin' in shit 'bout a dozen times (even let my son read it!), and laffed n laffed.
Bogger bloggin' is just GROSS.

Posted by: LilToni on June 13, 2006 11:46 PM

I have to fight the urge to curl up into the fetal position and shriek whenever I see someone...*urk*...EAT the contents of their nostrils!

Worse yet are the sick fucks who pick gobs of earwax and eat it.

Posted by: Desert Cat on June 13, 2006 11:51 PM

My gag reflexes are fully flexed, thanks, I think. I hate exercises of any kind.

Posted by: Galestorm on June 14, 2006 12:39 AM

So what color was it? Green? Grey? White? Clear? :)

I sure would hate to see what a trophy for "King Booger Blogger" would look like...

And the best booger people out there are the old men who close off on nostril, blow like hell out the other, and keep walking.

Posted by: Steph on June 14, 2006 12:57 AM

If you ever get a booger stuck in you moustache and someone points it out to you, just tell them you were saving if for a snack.

Posted by: Glenn on June 14, 2006 01:00 AM

I am Not making this up!

5 years ago the family went to Phoenix for a wedding. The ceremony proceeds, some close family rise to speak to the new couple, one at a time. The mother of the bride walks up to the podium, and begins to tell a tale of the young bride as a little girl..........Mom starts to cry.........she wipes at her face............she wipes at her nose using the top of her left hand, sort of her forefinger.

As she pulls her hand away from her face a LARGE rope of snot starts to exit her nostril, tied to her hand. At the point where her hand is at the full extension of her arm, a rope of snot with a half inch diameter makes a graceful arch from her nose to her hand.

She then snarfed that baby right back into her snout. I'm afraid the crowd was not able to sit quietly...............sad, but we should have called Ripley's.


Five years, and we are still cracking up

Posted by: Wes Jackson on June 14, 2006 02:28 AM

What's to big deal? It all tastes just like chicken.

Posted by: Ivan Ivanovich on June 14, 2006 05:51 AM

Rob - Don't ever get a job in elementary school...I've been there for a few years now and I've seen a mighty pile of nose-picking and the "meals" that follow...you get hardened to it after awhile.

Posted by: Lisa on June 14, 2006 06:20 AM

Omg....this post made me go eeew eeew!
Well, Rob I don't if you win King of the Booger Bloggers cuz after reading Wes Jackson's post above...he might have you beat. LOL

Desert Cat....you have seen people EAT their ear wax??!!!

Okay...I think I need to go blow my nose now.

Posted by: Cindi on June 14, 2006 06:25 AM

Hmmmm, I'm with Lisa. With kids, you just never know. I've seen my babies with boogers stuck in their hair, in their eyebrows, a looooooong line of dried out crusty snot from his or her nose to ear, you name it, I've seen it. I've even a walking Kleenex and my son likes to come up, pretend he is hugging me, and he'll wipe his nose on my tshirt. Whatever. Nostril contents bothers me not one whit.

Posted by: LL on June 14, 2006 06:33 AM

Kee-rist on a crutch.

What...I gotta surrender my booger-blogging title to you now, too? You and Og can go duke it out...

great post...I like to get up in the morning and read Tales of Ropy Boogers...be careful or I'll regale you with tales of my nasal sugery and the horrific aftermath...

Posted by: Elisson on June 14, 2006 06:57 AM

Damn, Baron... you da king of boogers. I've been known to pick 'em while driving. But never ATE one fer gawds sake. And never whacked off at a red light, either. Better to wait for the open road, I s'pose...

Posted by: Winston on June 14, 2006 07:50 AM

Rob, if you flushed that thing, better put some poison or something in your septic or it might grow -- and some dark night while you're sound asleep it'll come back up and ooze into your ebdroom.

Next morning they'll find a giant puddle of mucus where you used to be.

Ain't nothing more embarrassing than being eaten by a booger, let me tell you.

Posted by: McGehee on June 14, 2006 10:05 AM

We used to call it "pickin' pills for the Army". If you get a green one, you get to go again.

Posted by: Max Doubt on June 14, 2006 10:09 AM

Desert Cat....you have seen people EAT their ear wax??!!!

I swear ta gawd...

Posted by: Desert Cat on June 14, 2006 11:16 AM

Rob, I do believe Elisson has you beat. And I don't want to see what the trophy looks like, either...

Posted by: JohnW on June 14, 2006 12:30 PM

That was really gross, Boogerman. Do you often have boogers the size of Milwaukee?

Posted by: Tessa on June 14, 2006 02:10 PM

i haven't read the full post yet, but i just want to say that i don't consider boogers a design flaw. they collect airborne dirt, and it feels DAMN GOOD when you pluck them...

Posted by: anon on June 14, 2006 03:20 PM

You make me laugh so hard! Between this post and the King of the Crap-Bloggers post, the tears are rolling down my face.

I print some of your finer blogs and share them with the people at work. You should hear some of the commotion you cause in a normally quiet building!

Keep up the good work!

Posted by: the other Steph on June 14, 2006 04:35 PM

Sheesh!
Put on warning on this stuff, would ya? I haven't even had breakfast and couldn't now if I wanted!
Yuk.

;)

Posted by: Angie on June 15, 2006 09:40 AM
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