Gut Rumbles

June 11, 2006

enough is enough

I think I'm gonna start my "Reprobates in 2008" campaign again. I've swum in muddy swamps before, so I could probably handle politics. I may not enjoy the experience, but sometimes you have to do things you don't like for the good of the country.

* When I'm in charge, you can forget about withdrawing troops from Iraq. We will WIN that war. I wanna withdraw about half of the people in Congress and put them where they belong: Either in jail or in a mental institution.

* I'm gonna declare peace in the War on (some) Drugs. Yeah. I'll withdraw ALL troops from that senseless battle, and save a lot of lives. And a LOT of money. And a lot of doctors. too.

* Talk about a tax cut? See what I propose. KEEP the money YOU earn. Those who don't work? Feed 'em beans. Anybody who enters politics broke and becomes a millionaire two years later, goes to jail. Period. Thieving bastid.

* Illegal immigration. I'd put a bounty on border-jumpers. Wetbacks damn sure ain't an endangered species, and I think we should pay $50 a head for shooting them when they cross the border. Knock down six at once and get a $100 bonus for good shooting.

* Israel? That's the only got-dam friend we have in the Middle East, and I admire their toughness. I would blow Hamas into never-never (again) land and hand Israel the whole damn sandpile over there. Give the Jews a few oil fields and they'll run 'em right. We get cheap gasoline and reward people who actually WORK for a livin.' It's a win-win scenario.

* Envoronmentalism? Heh. I'd cut off ALL federal funding for those nut-jobs, just to see how fast the Global Warming scare goes away after that. I would make Al Gore go to Israel and work on a kibbutz. If he ever plowed the Tennessee sidehills behind a mule, he oughta be a fuckin' EXPERT at growing dates and figs.

* I propose death by firing squad for ANYBODY who suggests that we amend the Constitution.

* I want to place the entire Supreme Court on a desert island, where they cannot hurt anybody with random brain-farts, ever again.

* I'll give California back to Mexico. Take it. It's a canker-sore on the genitals of America, so YOU enjoy wallowing there. Most of you assholes speak Spanish already, and the rest DESERVE the likes of you. Go hug a fish, enjoy your smoke-free "environment" and drive a battery-powered car. Just leave ME the fuck alone.

* Anybody who jumps up and bitches about saving whales, saving the planet or cutting CO2 emissions gets dragged off and shot. Bullets use a lot less hot air than they do.

* I would drill the living shit out of ANWR. But I wouldn't give any of the oil discovered there to environmentalists. I would drag them off and SHOOT THEM, then tool down the road in my SUV.

* I would conduct a big, televised show-trial, where I had Hillary Clinton dragged in front of the tribunal in chains and an orange body suit. I'd have a burly, uniformed baliff tear the jumpsuit from her body to reveal a big set of hairy balls and a bent dick where her pussy should be. Most people wouldn't notice, because they'd be looking at her fat thighs and oak-tree ankles. Right before she was dragged off and shot.

* If I'm elected President, I'll staff my entire cabinet with CHILDREN--- no one older than the age of 10. After all, THOSE are the people government cares about today, so why not let 'em GOVERN? If liddle Johnny pulls liddle Sally's pigtails in the middle of a serious debate, I'll whup his ass with a willow switch until he votes for my next Homeland Security proposal.

* I will DEMAND that Congress, the Supreme Court and even the President ALWAYS speak to the American People while totally nude. And you can't stand behind no podium, either. Let it ALL hang out, right there for the TV cameras. See how seriously people take government after they see Teddy Kennedy nekkid.

I'm gonna run. I think I have a lot of good ideas.


I'll give California back to Mexico.

And we here in Arizona would welcome Federal troops on our western border to keep the riff-raff out. How about expelling the expatriate Californicators who have made their way to Arizona before returning the whole mess to Mexico?

Posted by: Desert Cat on June 11, 2006 12:13 PM

I will vote for you.

Posted by: Catfish on June 11, 2006 12:29 PM

Thank God they don't allow rednecks like you in the House.

Posted by: mommiejoie on June 11, 2006 12:37 PM

You've got my vote!

Posted by: Skerdog on June 11, 2006 01:14 PM

Mr. Rob,
You've got my vote and everybody else's that I can get hold of down at the waterin' hole to bend their ear. Most of your proposals make more sense than any I've seen in a long time. Them's what we call over here in East Texas, "Hard Sayings". Go ahead on with yore bad self--
Old Newt

Posted by: Old Newt on June 11, 2006 01:51 PM

oh, godawmighty, I don't wanna see Dick Cheney nude. I would, though, because of Condi Rice.

Yeah, I'm in. Sign me up.

Posted by: og on June 11, 2006 02:23 PM

"Thank God they don't allow rednecks like you in the House."


I don't seem to remember that being a restriction for running for Representative - maybe you're using the "Living Constitution" I keep hearing about.

Posted by: Jeffro on June 11, 2006 02:31 PM

The only amendment I'd proprose to the Constitution is to strengthen the 2nd Amendment. So as to get rid of all those gun control laws that punish innocent people for owning and carrying a gun.

Posted by: RayH on June 11, 2006 02:32 PM

I'd not only vote for you, I'd campaign for you.
Hang posters, hand out bumperstickers (after keeping the first one for myself, of course *grin*), go door to door and tell people aboutcha...
Dude... if you were running, I'd get involved in politics fer Chris'sake. A thing I avoid like the plague, usually.

But, if you were gonna be running things.... man, that'd be worth whatever it took.

*coupla seconds later*
Just had a flashback to when How-ard (Stern) ran as a Libertarian.

You two would make such a perfect team, it's almost scary.
God, that would be awesome...

Posted by: Stevie on June 11, 2006 04:32 PM

"give back california"

...will mess up the symetry of the 50 stars.

Recommend splitting New York in half - South New York is the City + Long Island, North New York is upstate.

Posted by: Another Steve on June 11, 2006 04:54 PM

SIGN me UP! Smith in 08!

I second Ray H.Just take out those confusing words (to Idiotarians) of the 2nd. A "a well regulated Militia being necessary for the security of the state" and make it simply "The right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed".

Posted by: Delftsman3 on June 11, 2006 05:00 PM

Vote For Rob, he'll do the Job! heh heh heh (feel like I'm back in 7th grade making up cheesy slogans!)

Posted by: Lisa on June 11, 2006 05:11 PM

A-man you almost had my vote.

Where is the benefit of seeing congress and Ted Kennedy nekkid?

Now, if you filled your cabinet with hot hookers...

Posted by: Stripersniper on June 11, 2006 08:54 PM

"* Illegal immigration. I'd put a bounty on border-jumpers. Wetbacks damn sure ain't an endangered species, and I think we should pay $50 a head for shooting them when they cross the border. Knock down six at once and get a $100 bonus for good shooting."

I got the gun. I got the scope. I got the "talent".
I want "more" per head for transportation, food, lodging, and ammo.
And for my time.
Shit, I made more than $50/hour when working.
And, I was worth it.

Posted by: Dan Pursel on June 11, 2006 10:10 PM

Legalize prostitution. Get the pimps off the streets and have real house madams. If it's legal it can be regulated, safety required, workers can be tested, disability available if they come up "positive" - and if you can't kill the taxes you can pay off the budget deficit and THEN SOME by taxing that. Helps cut down on a public health crisis. Frees up the vice cops too. Now who wants to work for OSHA in that one?

Posted by: BabsRN on June 11, 2006 11:06 PM

One more thing to get my vote - you MUST allow the schools to leave kids behind. If your on board with the sniveling little brats getting the "Fs" they EARN, (and I'm pretty sure you're on board) then I'll vote for you.

Posted by: Steph on June 11, 2006 11:43 PM

HEY THERE! Careful with what you wanna do with California!

I was borne here (pre-war: 1940); can't help how all these fruitcakes came in here and screwed up the place. I wish they'd all go back to where they came from, though.

I only have about 4 good friends, and when I visit a couple up in the Bay Area, we talk about how lonely we are! The 3 of us attended a wedding of a mutual friend's daughter, that took place in Marin County. It was crystal clear we were the only non-liberals for miles around. We kind of hudlded together. It would be funny if it weren't so pathetic.

Honest to God, in the eighties even, I daydreamed about us natives rising up and enacting a law that anyone who migrated to California after 1962 had to GO BACK to where they came from. Good for daydreaming, anyway. I picked 1962 to make sure the flower children would get kicked out.

But I understand where you're coming from.

Posted by: Norm on June 12, 2006 02:07 AM

I can get behind most of those ideas, but Teddy K. naked? No thanks.

Posted by: Florida Bill on June 12, 2006 08:10 AM

You got my vote!

Posted by: Miss Fire on June 12, 2006 10:40 AM

Not so fast Rob -- there are a few Constitutional Amendments we do need to pass, becasue, you see, the only way to repeal an Amendment is to pass a *new* one saying "that old one's a goner". We still need to repeal the amendment that makes an income tax legal, and pass something like this instead:

Posted by: Strider on June 12, 2006 10:50 AM

Bent dick and a set of balls? How could you say such a thing?
Blasphemy I tell you!

Posted by: Hillary on June 12, 2006 03:25 PM
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