Gut Rumbles
 

May 24, 2006

I'm alive, part II

I have been VERY sick for the past... shit, I was so sick that I don't remember how long it was. I still don't feel well at all, but I'm ALIVE, if you can call this living. So stop bugging ME, my family, my friends or ANYBODY ELSE about, "How is Rob doing?" If I wanted YOU to fucking know, I'd tell you myself.

I want to make a couple of announcements here:

#1-- I DO NOT HAVE CALLER ID!!!! No, unlike every other "civilized" person on the face of the planet anymore, I don't know in advance whothefuck is calling me until I pick up the phone. That's why I OFTEN DO NOT PICK UP THE PHONE!!! It ain't no personal insult delivered at YOU.

#2--- I DON'T LIKE TO TALK ON THE PHONE!!! That's why I OFTEN DO NOT ANSWER WHEN IT RINGS!!! If you listen to the message on my answering machine, it is simple, honest and to the point. "I'm not answering the phone right now. You know the drill: Hear the beep, leave a message." If that pisses you off, I'm sorry. Get over it, or don't call back.

#3--- I WILL call you back if you left an important message. You know how often THAT happens? About once in a blue moon. 99.9% of the phone calls I receive are from telemarketers, "friends" just wanting to bullshit because they are bored, or fucking WRONG NUMBERS!!! THAT'S WHY I don't jump through my Cracker ass to answer every time the phone rings.

#4--- I spent about 20 years of my life feeling my blood run cold every time the phone rang at home, especially at night or on weekends. That's because I received A WHOLE LOT of calls from work, and those were NEVER good news. In fact, a LOT of them involved a crisis bad enough that I had to crawl out of my warm bed, get dressed and drive to the plant at 2:00 AM. Like Pavlov's dog, I developed a conditioned response to phone calls. But unlike the dog, I learned to expect SOMETHING OTHER than a treat when I heard one. That's why I still DO NOT like phone calls today.

#5--- Unlike most other "civilized" people today, I don't have a phone in every got-dam room of my house. I have ONE PHONE, in my living room. (When I retired from work, I swore that I NEVER would have a fucking phone in my bedroom again, and I kept that oath-- see the reason above.) I also keep that ringy-dingy-thingy turned down as low as it will go so that I CANNOT HEAR IT when I am asleep in my bedroom. I do that for MY BENEFIT, not to INSULT YOU!!!

#6--- I've had some really bad health problems over the past few years. I just went through another one. I personally think that a lot of you people have incredible nerve to call someone VERY sick just to ask, "How are you doin'?" Would you REALLY feel better if I crawled to my ONE FUCKING PHONE, while I vomited and shitted all the way, to tell YOU that "I ain't doin' so good?" So that YOU could reply, "AW... I'm soooooo sorry, you poor baby."

#7--- If I need YOUR help when I'm sick, I'll call YOU!!!! Is that a concept so foreign to people with phone addiction that they can't understand it? If YOU feel a tremendous nursing impulse, an instinct you simply cannot deny, then try something TOTALLY DIFFERENT!!! Come to the patient's house, ring the doorbell and see if he WANTS your help, before you bug the living shit out of a sick man at all hours of day and night with PESTIFEROUS PHONE CALLS!!!

#8--- I am certain that all you people who bugged the shit out of me with pestiferous phone calls when I was deathly ill, MEANT WELL--- but you did me a lot more harm than good. Please---- don't EVER do that again.

#9--- Now, I am going to try to drink a Carnation Instant Breakfast and see if I can get some decent sleep if I can keep that concoction down. I am tired, I am sore all over, I wobble when I try to walk, I haven't eaten, showered or shaved in three or four days, and I probably ought to be in the hospital right now. But I'm NEVER going back to one of those places again. Unless it's the only way I can stop people from CALLING ME ON THE PHONE!!!

#10--- I ain't dead. That's all YOU need to know.

Comments

Now thats more like it! You sound like you are getting better....

Posted by: Ruth on May 24, 2006 03:00 PM

When you actually are dead, will you let us know?

Posted by: Laurence Simon on May 24, 2006 03:04 PM

Hey, Laurence!!! Did anybody pick ME in the Dead Pool?

If not, I want to.... man, these past few days have been... reason to bet on myself.

Posted by: Acidman on May 24, 2006 03:06 PM

Boy!!! I'm GLAD I don't have your number!!! But I'm w/you....my mom calls ONLY when something is wrong, so I have to admit, I do the same thing...I screen my calls too, and let the phone ring without answering often. This is NOT acceptable in the 'Deep South' where I grew up...We were taught to be more codependent than that!!!

I'm with you about the hospital, too. I was just there for the first time recently....I won't go back unless forced to...they seriously tried to kill me (aside from the prob I was fighting)! I'm glad to know you are NOT in the hospital, but I hope you will recover none-the-less!!

BTW...I don't expect you to read this...now or ever , considering your condition (I'm just doing this for ME!! I like to let ppl know I'm thinking of them, regardless..oh, and you know, bloggers like to get in their 2 cents worth...Now I expect you'll tell me to go do it on my own blog...ha...I just might....)....Anyway, I got a few of those phone calls and messages while I was suffering (I won't graphically mention how awful that was...but dry heaves was the least of it), and it was interesting to think I'd feel like talking while puking up the overdose the doctors gave me....sooooo.....maybe I should just say.....'Gotcha' (and leave it at that)!!!!

Posted by: Di on May 24, 2006 03:11 PM

.... get well soon, you mean old bastard...

... oh, and just give me a yell when you are ready to be dragged off and shot...

Posted by: Eric on May 24, 2006 03:16 PM

Well said. Well acted.
Wishing you a speedy recovery.
Thanks to Sam for posting on the 23rd that you are still in the game. DJS

Posted by: DJSloan/Houston on May 24, 2006 03:22 PM

I don't like the phone myself, so I get it.
I hope everyone understands.
The road to hell (and back apparently) was paved with good intentions. :)

Posted by: Treasa on May 24, 2006 03:31 PM

Soooo, Robe, what I'm getting here is that you want to discourage casual telephoning, is that right?

Posted by: JohnW on May 24, 2006 03:32 PM

Methinks you don't like being called, but then that's just obvious.

With all your filthy accumulated lucre, how comes you don't get a laptop and a wireless router/card? That way when you feel shitty you can survey your internet kingdom from the bed. Or the throne.

Posted by: Cythen on May 24, 2006 03:34 PM

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA bite me!

Posted by: GUYK on May 24, 2006 03:38 PM

All that, just to say this...

He loves us all and is very thankful that he has friends who honestly give a sh*t...

You just have to know how to interpret...

It's kinda like that "no means no" thing...

MC

Posted by: mostly cajun on May 24, 2006 04:11 PM

By God, now I know the old bastard is goin' to be ok! He done got his piss and vinegar back. Whew.

Posted by: Ol' Lurker on May 24, 2006 04:20 PM

Good to see ya...also glad I do NOT have your number ha ha
Now how are ya about mail? Maybe we'll all send you a snail mail next time and you'll have great big sacks of mail like they lugged into the courthouse in Miracle on 34th Street to read...
Luv ya you old grouch...:)

Posted by: Lisa W. on May 24, 2006 05:15 PM

You're just like your father - Jerk, see if I ever call you again

Love Mom

Posted by: Mom on May 24, 2006 05:42 PM

You know....he DOES sound kind of sick.

Posted by: robert on May 24, 2006 06:20 PM

Good post, Bitch. Now you are acting like

a Good Yankee, you southern crackerhole.

Posted by: TomCat on May 24, 2006 07:23 PM

Glad to see you are doing a little better. I have always hated a gotdam phone too. If it weren't for the women in my life I wouldn't have one at all. Drink yourself a coffee cup full of caster oil. My granny use to say that shit will cure everything. Granny never lied to me.

:-)

Posted by: assrot on May 24, 2006 07:33 PM

LOL. RE #7, if you're this pissy about phone calls, you really think anybody is going to take a chance on standing on your front porch in range of the gun you don't have?

Call your stomach doctor. Something is not right about puking so much. Maybe your stomach didn't heal right.

Posted by: Libby on May 24, 2006 08:23 PM

started drinking again?

Posted by: satan on May 24, 2006 11:10 PM

Heh. Now you're back.

Posted by: Jeffro on May 24, 2006 11:38 PM

I almost wet myself reading that last post. We do condition ourselves. I work as an EMT and when the phone rings at the station it usually entails me dragging my ass out of bed and driving really fast to try and fix a broken person. I can totally relate. Pull the phone out of the wall, run a hot bath and get quietly intoxicated...

Posted by: Zer0 on May 24, 2006 11:45 PM

It's a bitch - isn't it - when you can't turn off that attention that you don't seem to mind getting every other day with your frequent posts.

Maybe you should change your answering machine message to - I am not coming to the phone right because its not MY choice .. and when I want attention - I WILL TELL YOU when to give it to me - how to give it to me and pretty much will dictate how i want it and in what form.

And obviously the good wishes that your daughter asked for you were to be done via telepathy ... or perhaps written on a piece of paper, shoved in a bottle and floated down the river to you.

Damn its a bitch when people care ...


Posted by: Anne on May 26, 2006 12:04 AM

I don't comment very often but this is one of my most favorite posts you've ever done...

Cut and dry...clear and to the point.

Being sober suits you to a "T".

Just wishin' all the other ailments will soon give you some peace.

Posted by: Sandy on May 26, 2006 06:14 AM

^5's Anne!
That was priceless!

Posted by: livey on May 26, 2006 10:26 AM
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