Gut Rumbles
 

May 19, 2006

racist bastard

My next-door neighbor, who happens to be BLACK, saw me outside today and came over to visit. I told him that I was all pissed off because I had not yet seen his new baby. He gave out a yell to his wife, and SHE came over with the child, who resembled a... well, baby and she thrust that youngster into my arms.

The child burst out screaming. I said, "I sometimes have that effect on young'uns. She'll like me better when she gets older."

Got-dam! I haven't held an infant in my arms for YEARS now, and I don't remember EVER being good at it in my younger days. I sucked at it today, too.

They asked me to watch their house, feed their dog and collect their mail while they are gone for a week. Being the racist bastard that I am, I called them the N-word and told them to go screw themselves.

THAT'S how I am. Except for feeding their dog, collecting their mail and keeping an eye on their house while they're gone. Ron told me that I touched a live wire in his son's head when I told him about writing for money. For a virulent racist, I don't do too badly sometimes.

Those people like me, they trust me, and they gave me a massage machine to try out on my shoulders. They also expect me to watch their house for a week.

I'll do it--- but I'm SUCH a racist that I don't understand why they asked ME, when they could have had Jesse Jackson do that job.

YOU go figure.

Comments

It's a damn good thing they don't know about your hobbies.

Posted by: Steve H. on May 19, 2006 01:37 PM

Hmm. You livin' a double life Acidman? Striking resemblance...

Posted by: Jane on May 19, 2006 02:28 PM

Ya racist bastid, ya!! I'm the same kind. Up until they start that rap crap (that's where the word rap came from: crap), and try to intimidate me. I sometimes work for a gentleman who is black. I use the word gentleman with pinpoint accuracy. But he's never called me "Bro," or told me he's interested in killing cops. It's those guys who need to be drug off and shot.

Posted by: Doc on May 19, 2006 03:14 PM

Well, they figured if they asked a white guy to watch their stuff, it wouldn't get stolen.

Hey, it takes awhile to hide your cash in your books... (Chris Rock reference)

Posted by: Cythen on May 19, 2006 03:27 PM

*sniff sniff* is that sarcasm I smell? now excuse me, but I need to go pick up my hood at the dry cleaners.

Posted by: girl on May 19, 2006 04:22 PM

Steve H's link says the man was "spotted without his clothes." I wonder what pattern he has with his clothes. Stripes? Paisley?

Posted by: BlogDog on May 19, 2006 04:41 PM

pardon me, but I think the Girl meant to say "pick up her hoodie from the dry cleaners". But then again what do I know about chick clothes except that they look better on my bedroom floor. hahahahaha! Sorry Rob, I kill myself sometimes....

Posted by: Greg Beck on May 19, 2006 05:06 PM

What are you doing in this den of racism, Greg? Do you want me to de-black you?

Posted by: Bane on May 19, 2006 05:54 PM

ha ha ha...everyone knows you're really a big softy...

Posted by: Lisa on May 19, 2006 08:59 PM

You are a good neighbor. I knew there was some goodness in you somewhere.

Posted by: Kevin on May 19, 2006 10:36 PM

You got access to better guns than Jesse...

Posted by: wil on May 20, 2006 04:27 AM

I knew there was some goodness in you somewhere.

Them's fightin' wordds, Kev. ;-)

Posted by: McGehee on May 20, 2006 09:08 AM

I think it's time you go take a good look in the mirror and notice that maybe YOU are black. That's why you're still alive after calling them the N-word. I lived in this house for six years, unable to figure out how I get along so well with my white trash neighbors, before I realized I am white trash too!

Posted by: MJH on May 20, 2006 02:50 PM

"I lived in this house for six years, unable to figure out how I get along so well with my white trash neighbors, before I realized I am white trash too!"

Growing up, and all my life, I have gotten along really well with white trash, even though I was supposed to be "a lot better than them". Because I liked them, and respected them. Still do. I love hanging out with real people, who don't intellectualize every God Damn interaction in the world, and just have the best time they can, working and LIVING day by day, in the present tense. Uh, that would be minute by minute. And, if they like you, they let you know it. And, vice versa.

God DAMN that bugged the shit out of some of my "friends" and in-laws. And my wife. Tough shit.

Posted by: Dan Pursel on May 20, 2006 04:31 PM
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