Gut Rumbles
 

May 18, 2006

regrets

After my episode in my garden today, and the realization that I am OLD and WEARY and I am FUCKED UP because of things I did 40 YEARS AGO, I started to feel sorry for myself. I sat on my back porch, lit a cigarette and... I decided that what I've done with my life ain't ALL bad.

Regrets? Oh, yeah, I got 'em. But I have incredible memories, too.

When I sat in a live oak tree and read books about Tarzan when I was 12 years old, I didn't realize how lucky I was. If I had to pick ONE author who made me LOVE to read, I might hesitate before I spoke. But if I were brutally honest, I'd have to admit that I liked Edgar Rice Burroughs better than I did Sam Clemens.

This morning, I watched the movie, Dr. Zhivago on TV. I last saw that movie about 20 years ago. I had forgotten how breath-takingly beautiful it is. You don't even have to follow the story to enjoy looking at it. Especially the winter scenes, where the snow and ice make you feel cold when the temperature is 85 degrees outside your front door.

I remember plowing through that book once, and I despised it. I NEVER enjoyed Russian writers, and I STILL believe that The Brothers Karimozov is the most over-rated novel of ALL TIME. It needs to be dragged off and shot, along with Fyodor Dostoyevski, the long-winded author. The ONLY other book that tested my dedication to reading so much was Moby Dick, Herman Melville's "masterpiece," and I damn near threw THAT waste of trees into my fireplace one night before I finally finished it.

If you wonder why "Cliff's Notes" exist in this world, just read Dostoyevski and Melville, back to back. You'll wanna pull your own teeth with a rusty set of channel-lock pliers.

Look at THAT crap and you'll understand why only faggots and nerds ever major in English Lit in college. Except for ME, of course--- but that was because I was lazy, I liked to read and I didn't do math. I wasn't really a faggot or a nerd. I was BOHEMIAN. But I STILL don't like Russian writers.

I believe that I started this post with a point in mind, but I forgot what it was. Thinking of Russian writers does that to me.

Comments

Fyodor Dostoevsky's Crime & Punishment put me off of Russian authors forever.

It's really a short book, but trying to endure the endless introspection of Rodion just broke me before the finish.

Posted by: Virgil on May 18, 2006 03:17 AM

Well this just lends me more hope. My daughter DOESN'T DO math either. She loves English & History but the kid can't add..haha. She's a bright kid but........so anyway...there is hope for people who don't do math?

Oh and she had an assigment for Math last week...didn't do it. I asked her why and she said; "I don't know but I did THINK about doing it...I just didn't really want to I guess."

Her nose is stuck in a book all the time though.....

So you can have a good life without Math....yes?

Posted by: Sandy on May 18, 2006 03:58 AM

Well this just lends me more hope. My daughter DOESN'T DO math either. She loves English & History but the kid can't add..haha. She's a bright kid but........so anyway...there is hope for people who don't do math?

Oh and she had an assigment for Math last week...didn't do it. I asked her why and she said; "I don't know but I did THINK about doing it...I just didn't really want to I guess."

Her nose is stuck in a book all the time though.....

So you can have a good life without Math....yes?

Posted by: Sandy on May 18, 2006 03:58 AM

Right there with you on Moby Dick. I read it, but only because I was determined to see what the hype was about. I still don't know.

Posted by: DL on May 18, 2006 07:54 AM

Oh hell I had rather read Melville than some of the crap the American Lit Profs raved about as great American Novels such as Faulkners shit and some others from the 1920s and 30s. I did enjoy most of Stienbecks work but never particularlly liked Hemmingway except the sumbitch knew how to fish.

Posted by: GUYK on May 18, 2006 08:07 AM

You STARTED to feel sorry for yourself?

Posted by: Steve H. on May 18, 2006 08:33 AM

BITE ME, Steve...

Posted by: Acidman on May 18, 2006 09:46 AM

Moby Dick? Try reading Billy Budd. Oh fuck ME, that is the shittiest book to ever be assigned in 9th grade!!

Posted by: LL on May 18, 2006 10:38 AM

Great. I picked up The Brothers Karimozov from the library yesterday. Guess I may be in for some disappointing reading.

Posted by: MJH on May 18, 2006 01:28 PM

Exactly why my kids are in private school.

Posted by: BabsRN on May 18, 2006 04:11 PM

Oops! I commented on the wrong post. I meant to hit the one above...damn lag in the system...

Posted by: BabsRN on May 18, 2006 04:14 PM

i'd bet 50 cents that you'll like voinovich.

The Life and Extraordinary Adventures of Private Ivan Chonkin, by V. Voinovich will have you in stitches if you aren't already.

Posted by: leo on May 18, 2006 04:34 PM

I like Chekhov of the Russian authors. I can't stand Melville. I like Hemingway's short stories but his novels are sure snoozers. There was a time when I had trouble getting to sleep. 3 pages of For Whom the Bell Tolls did it every time. The other surefire snoozer was The Education of Henry Adams. I had to read that in college and write it up. Took me almost the whole semester to get it done. I hated that book with a passion. I finally ended up skip-reading it, skimming every few pages to get an idea of what was going on. The damned thing went on forever!!

Posted by: dick on May 18, 2006 08:56 PM

I bailed out on Moby Dick about three quarters of the way through the chapted devoted to describing how white the whale was.

The movie was good.

Posted by: Jim - PRS on May 18, 2006 10:12 PM

It's OK....you can tell us the real reason you majored in English....because that was the area of campus where all the young lovelies hang out, right?

Posted by: Grumpy Old Ham on May 18, 2006 10:26 PM

I actually got a copy of "Bleak House" a year or so ago. Started snoozing after 5 pages. Picked it back up at a later date and by damn it turned out to be a good book! I might try "Moby Dick" next, after I finish the Star Trek novel I'm reading between blogs....
Tried a couple Russian novels wayyyy back in my youth. 20 pages tops. None clicked, they may as well have been in the original Russian for all the good it did me.
"Nevermore", quoth the Raven, eyeing a forklift struggling to lift a single copy of "War and Peace".....

Posted by: Horrabin on May 18, 2006 11:10 PM

I actually liked the BK once I managed to get into it (although I think I was smoking a lot of dope at the time so that probably helped), -- never cared for the rest of Dostoyevsky -- depressive nut-case. Zhivago was hard to plow through as well, but loved the movie (had the soundtrack for years.) I'm now happily collecting classics for the grandchild -- will definitely throw some ERB in there in a few years. First book I give any kid is Kipling's Just So Stories. Read 'em big words right off the bat -- "...the great, grey-green, greasy Limpopo River, all set about with fever trees ..." and "the Procession of the Equinoxes which proceeded according to precedent ..." Blow up the TV and get a kid hooked on reading EARLY is my motto. That'd raise the frickin' test scores. IMHO.

Posted by: Marianne on May 19, 2006 04:27 AM

I've figured out your problem! You have no taste!

Posted by: Brett on May 19, 2006 12:06 PM

And MJH--

Don't deny yourself the pleasure of reading the Karamzov Brothers (the traditional translation of the title is over-literal) just because Acidman has no taste for Russian literature. You may end up agreeing with him, but then again, perhaps you won't.

Posted by: Brett on May 19, 2006 12:10 PM

There is an actual Russian connection in the following shit.

My college roomate didn't want to be there.
He wanted to go home and work in his old man's big-time jewelry store, and inherit it when dad kicked off. And, just drink beer and fuck his girlfriend.

His was on "probation" after his second semester.
Before his third semester, he begged me for help on "the solution".

On my command, he:
Took Russian Language.
Took Russian Literature.
Took a "math" course.
Christ, he couldn't write street address numbers in order.

That did the trick, pronto.
Got an A in "Fly-Tying", though.

His ass was flunked out, his dad was pissed,
he loaded his shit in his year-old car, went home,
and I never saw him again.

Sayonara and Hasta La Vista, Dude, have a good life.
But I sure wished you'd left that sweet blonde fox.
She was randy as hell.
They used to put his upper bunk-bed on the floor so the cheap-ass furniture didn't get destroyed.
I refused to let them use my "lower".
We only got clean sheets once a month.

Posted by: Dan Pursel on May 20, 2006 04:59 PM
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