Gut Rumbles
 

May 16, 2006

southern livin'

Jeff Foxworthy has made a career out of red-neck jokes, but I don't believe that HE can hang with ME. He may make more money than I do, but I've got better credentials than he does.

*I HAVE lived in a mobile home, when I was in college.

*I DID drink Busch Bavarian Beer when it came in 14-ounce cans.

*I DROVE a Volkswagon Beetle.

*I WAS semi-arrested for pissing alongside Highway 80 at Savannah Beach one fateful night. I was cuffed and put in the back seat of a squad car, but I gave the officer $20 and he let me go.

*I HAVE been shot at, by a farmer. The bastid HIT ME with rocksalt, too. (I was "courting" his daughter at the time.)

*I LIKE vienna sausages right out of the can, with saltine crackers to disguise the taste.

*I've BEEN hungry enough to eat cold pork & beans, WITHOUT using a fork or a spoon. I drank the juice out of the can, too.

*I HAVE shit my pants. More than ONCE.

*I SWALLOWED illicit drugs without knowing what they were. I just figured that I would find out after about 30 minutes. I DID, too.

*I once received a CERTIFIED LETTER in the mail that named ME as the father of an illegitimate child, and I had NO recollection of EVER meeting the "mother." I threw the letter away and never heard a peep about it again.

*I KNOW what a "zilch" is. Do YOU? (It AIN'T a zero.)

*I ONCE played guitar in three different states on three different stages on three different days, all back-to-back. I took my dog with me on that road trip and I did it in a 1974 Chevy Vega.

*I got LAID on that trip by a woman in Ohio who thought my dog was "cute." I guess I musta been okay, too.

*More than ONCE, I've awakened not knowing where I was or how I got there.

*I EAT raw oysters, but I don't like sushi.

*I SNORE when I sleep on my back and the noise wakes me up sometimes. That's disconcerting when I don't know where I am or how I got there, especially when my mouth tastes like I've been eating sushi.

*I DO NOT have to make ANY of this shit up.

I've lived an interesting life.

Comments

They're not "Vienna sausages."

They're "VY-eenies."

Posted by: Steve H. on May 16, 2006 10:23 PM

Quick question: What does sleeping on your back and snoring have anything to do with being a redneck? Do you only sleep on your back when you don't know where you are?
I only ask because I sleep on my back, snore extremely loud, and sometimes it wakes me up, but I am most definitely not a redneck, although I've been told I have redneck envy.

Posted by: erica on May 16, 2006 11:29 PM

Erica--- I sleep on my back because that's the only way I CAN sleep now. I have a really bad problem with pain in my shoulders.... duh.

I don't LIKE sleeping that way, but it beats not sleeping at all.

Posted by: Acidman on May 17, 2006 02:17 AM

Rob,

I was born and raised in Florida and have always considered myself more of a country boy then a city slicker. A redneck, not really.
I have experencied (spelling?) a lot of what you wrote but not all. Some even more scarier, maybe. Once I got out of the army in '74. I became and I guess I still am, somewhat retired though. A "hippy with a motorcycle". A "biker", I guess. I've always built my own Harley's. Not like the jerks of today. Who go to a shop plunk down multi
thousands and become an instant 'bad-ass'
biker! Sorry to get off track....... Nothing wrong
with being a redneck. Like real bikers I feel we are a fanishing breed of true freedom lovers!

Capt. Harley

Posted by: Captain Harley on May 17, 2006 06:06 AM

Well I never swallowed illicit drugs when I didn't know what they wuz but I have drank some stuff that was supposed to have been whiskey that was enough to kill a normal person and damn near killed me. And I don't play a gitfiddle. But I have woke up with my nose in sumthin all smelly and hairy and damp and had my dick immediately get hard just to find my face in my armpit.... and choked a chicken.

Posted by: GUYK on May 17, 2006 06:44 AM

Check, check, check, on damned near all of them. Hell, just come look at the trailer I live in. 3 lawn mowers in the side yard (1 push, 2 riders), 3 motorcycles in the front, 1 bike in the back of the truck (since February--I haven't gotten around to moving it yet), 2 cars & 1 truck that run, 1 car that doesn't.....
Then there's the inside.

Posted by: Tennessee Budd on May 17, 2006 10:56 AM

Have to cop to a few of those myself, and I'm not a redneck.
But I don't remember them as Vienna sausages, the people I knew who ate them (myself included) always referred to them as "puppy dicks".

Posted by: BobG on May 17, 2006 11:15 AM

Thanks a lot by the way for this post - I read it eariler today in a packed staff room at work and spit my water on the computer screen when I got to the "shit my pants" one...
Oy....

Posted by: Lisa on May 17, 2006 05:36 PM

I did the musician thing for a few years in the 70's, with a 75 Vega wagon. Lasted one Chicago winter before rusting through part of the floorboard. The thought of one night stands ( music variety ) still creeps me out. I did always know what I was swallowing. That was my one concession to good sense.

Posted by: Alan on May 17, 2006 07:58 PM

Let me just say for the record, I really, really do hope you get better whether it's through physical physical therapy, surgery etc ... just last month I don't what the heck I did to myself but (don't laugh) I had a severely sharp pain in my ass that lasted for about two weeks and I too was stuck lying on my butt all night because anytime I tried to move in my sleep, good Lord, I was practically reduced to a very womanly fit of tears. It's since subsided but I could barely walk, sit or stand without excruciating discomfort ... very not cool for someone just 30 years old, but thank heavens it's gone.
I was just wondering why it was on a list of things that makes you a redneck though (*blowing kisses*) ... however, my asspain I think just made me a whiney, miserable Jew from Brooklyn with a low threshhold for pain, haha.

Posted by: erica on May 17, 2006 10:37 PM

We used to make zilches out of bread sacks on camping trips. We'd save them up for weeks ahead of time, tie them all together with lots of extra knots in between and hang them from a wire strung between two trees. Light 'em up at night and watch the show...

zooop! Ziiipppp! Zilllchhhh!

We did it with army men when we were little, too.

Posted by: Circa Bellum on May 18, 2006 09:41 AM
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