Gut Rumbles
 

May 08, 2006

i need my head examined

* I went grocery shopping today because I needed milk and bread. I ended up spending almost $100 before I got out of the store. Kroger's had whole beef tenderloins on sale for $6.99 a pound, so I bought TWO of 'em, even though I still have a bunch of New York strips in my freezer from the last time I saw good steaks on sale. Bejus! I am becoming a woman. If it's on sale, I BUY IT... just because it's on sale... and I think about all the money I'm "saving." I have a freezer FULL of fine steaks now. What am I, all by myself, gonna do with all of that meat? Wanna come have dinner with me?

* My sports medicine doctor called yesterday (well... HE didn't call. His receptionist did) and told me to bring my shoulder X-rays with me when I came for my appointment next Monday. I went by Effingham County Hospital today and picked them up. As soon as I got back to my car, I examined the X-rays carefully. I think I'm gonna die.

* I believe that when I start paying CLOSE attention to news articles about "The Best Places To Go To Prison," I have cause to worry about myself.

* I broke a vow I made several years ago and watched 60 Minutes last night. I once swore off that show, but I wanted to see the segment on John Daley, the professional golfer whose problems with alcohol, gambling and divorce kinda remind me of ME. I caught the piece CBS did on ethanol. It set off my bullshit detector and reminded me WHY I stopped watching that show years ago. If I didn't know any better, I would believe that corn juice was the miracle cure for completely ending our dependence on Middle Eastern oil. The show drove home that point with an interview featuring a whacked-out professor of "environmental studies" (or some such idiocy) from UCal at Berkeley. By gawd, THERE'S where you go for rational discourse and clear thinking, isn't it?

* I now have TWO one-gallon plastic bags full of blackberries in my freezer. I have eaten almost that many myself. I have, indeed, shit like a goose for the past few days.

* I am thoroughly convinced that if I wanted to buy a riding lawn mower and had 200 different units to choose from, I would pick the ONE with a leaky tire. I always do.

* Did YOU ever start to make a pot of coffee and spoon about three BIG scoops of gourmet grounds into your coffee-maker before you realized that you forgot to install a coffee filter first? Good. Neither have I. That kinda thing would make ME feel really foolish.

* I had an "I AM NOT WORTHY!!!" moment today. I am reading Marine Sniper, which is a book about Carlos Hathcock, the legendary shootist and slayer of MANY enemy in Vietnam. In 1965, at The Wimbledon Cup National High-Powered Rifle Championship, he won first place by NEVER MISSING the bulls-eye at 1,000 yards in a wind that, without compensation, would blow rounds 190 inches off-target by the time they got downrange. Sweet Bejus! I'll never think of myself as a good shot again.

* I still think I'm good enough to hit a fucking crow at 25 feet from my back door with my pellet rifle. I'm gonna do it, too, if that bastard doesn't stop hogging my bird feeders. The got-dam pirate camps out among the scrub pines in my back yard, and every time other birds stop by for a snack, he comes swooping down, screeching like a bat outta hell to run them off. Then, he sits on top of the feeder-post and preens like a Tall Dog, very proud of himself. He needs a lesson in sniping, given by ME. I HATE that sumbitch and I'm gonna kill him.

* If a judge ever sentenced ME to attend "sensitivity training," I'd jump from my seat and strangle the bastard with my own bare hands, no matter how badly it hurt my ailing shoulders. I'm sensitive that way...

* Does YOUR local newspaper have a feature where people call in to voice their lofty opinions on important issues? Do YOU read that feature and realize that about 95% of the vaunted "American People" is out of its fucking mind?

* I shoulda planted marijuana instead of vegetables in my garden. Weeds appear to thrive out there.

* If I were an inmate on Death Row, facing execution, and the warden granted ME a Last Wish, I would like to screw Nichole Kidman, which proves to ME that Tom Cruise is an ass.

* I have a horrible suspicion that if anyone examined my head, the picture would look a lot like my shoulder X-rays. Nothing but spooky stuff in there...

Comments

My Grandmother lived a few doors from the Tennessee river in Savannah. We would go to the branch and pick blackberries, and she'd make blackberry jam and cobblers. Mentioning blackberries brings back some great memories.

Posted by: Tessa on May 8, 2006 04:55 PM

I am thoroughly convinced that if I wanted to buy a riding lawn mower and had 200 different units to choose from, I would pick the ONE with a leaky tire. I always do.

Rob, Rob, Rob...

They all have a leaky tire. It's in the factory specs.

Posted by: McGehee on May 8, 2006 06:26 PM

Does YOUR local newspaper have a feature where people call in to voice their lofty opinions on important issues? Do YOU read that feature and realize that about 95% of the vaunted "American People" is out of its fucking mind?

<snort>

For a while there, I was submitting about 95% of the crap my local paper was printing in that section.

Posted by: McGehee on May 8, 2006 06:28 PM

I read Marine Sniper a couple of months ago.
.......awesome man.......awesome book.

Posted by: Jean on May 8, 2006 08:13 PM

See there dumbass! If you hadn't drove the cat off with that pellet gun he would have taken care fo your crow problem by now.

Posted by: assrot on May 8, 2006 08:24 PM

I hadn't watched 60 minutes in at least 10 years, but a little birdie made me watch the one with the phoney TANG/MSWord documents. It was great logging on the next AM to see Powerline tear Danny boy a new butthole. I thank the Lord and bloggers for grabbing me by the short hairs and making me watch how freedom of speech is suppose to work.

Posted by: Ivan Ivanovich on May 8, 2006 08:28 PM

Rob, do you mean only leftist liberals with sneaky agenda call into Vox Populi? I actually find that section more of a hoot than the comics!

Posted by: Steph on May 8, 2006 08:44 PM

I have a horrible suspicion that if anyone examined my head, the picture would look a lot like my shoulder X-rays. Nothing but spooky stuff in there...

No sh*t, Sherlock. That why we love you.

Posted by: Juliette on May 8, 2006 10:30 PM

If someone split your head a thousand little pussy's would come flopping out. LMAO

Posted by: Scrapiron on May 8, 2006 10:32 PM

Mister Hathcock Rocks On Ice. Ain't too many men I'll address as Mister.

I was informed once that I had to attend a sensitivity training class at work, once. I stood up, lowered my pants, sat down and worked the rest of the day with my jeans around my ankles. Inviting the teacher of sensitivity class to kiss my hairy white ass.

Posted by: og on May 8, 2006 11:17 PM

Well, as desperate as things get, try to avoid 60 Minutes. Call your local suicide helpline, phone Delilah at Night... anything to avoid the all-encompassing rage and depression that ensues while watching the glib libs make a mockery out of basic journalism.

Although, every once in awhile that one story comes along where the subject overpowers the interviewer. Or in Dan Rather's case, he just met karma head-on right in front of his adoring viewers. Maybe watch with discretion!

Posted by: Vermont Neighbor on May 9, 2006 01:54 AM

Um...these type women you refer to are so unknown and alien to me I'm probably saying something really dumb here.

What I do is, I use a shopping list. I always know just what I need to get and where it's cheapest. On my income? got to.

Between the careful shopping habits, and cooking all my own food, I save around $500-$1000/month in expenses.

And get the house perfumed with the aroma of fresh-baked bread, too.

Must be that math thing, rearing its ugly head.

Posted by: k on May 9, 2006 08:28 AM

Everybody should grow marijuana in their veggie garden. If everybody did it, they'd have to legalize cause they can't arrest Everybody.....

Posted by: Libby on May 9, 2006 12:19 PM

" Carlos Hathcock,
the legendary shootist and slayer of MANY enemy in Vietnam."

Men like Carlos are RARE. VERY rare. Extremely RARE.

For many years my best friend was like Carlos.
He didn't kill people, we lived in the States.
He could stop ANY "incident" with a simple look.

I've seen men 6 inches taller, and 100 lbs. heavier,
who were "having fun" throwing their macho shit around.

And, then they blanched, turn pasty-faced white, and just left.
HIs look and body-language told you why.
Instantly.

His gonads needed a wheel-barrow.
And every man and every woman around knew it.
Instantly.

Posted by: Dan Pursel on May 9, 2006 10:07 PM

"* Does YOUR local newspaper have a feature where people call in to voice their lofty opinions on important issues? Do YOU read that feature and realize that about 95% of the vaunted "American People" is out of its fucking mind?"

Those are the assholes who don't have a job and thus have the spare time to write a letter to the editor everytime something gets their thong on a knot.

Posted by: Cythen on May 10, 2006 07:26 AM
"* Does YOUR local newspaper have a feature where people call in to voice their lofty opinions on important issues? Do YOU read that feature and realize that about 95% of the vaunted "American People" is out of its fucking mind?"

Actually, that just proves that 95% of people that take the time to send stuff to the paper are out of their mind.

The rest of us tend to have jobs.

Posted by: JPatterson on May 10, 2006 04:57 PM
Post a comment














*Note: If you are commenting on an older entry, your
comment will not appear until it has been approved.
Do not resubmit it.