Gut Rumbles
 

May 01, 2006

homeland security

Wanna hear a good joke? Here it is:

"Homeland Security".

If you haven't taken a ride on an airplane lately, you're missing a real treat. All that's missing from the process is a requirement that you moo like a bovine creature as you are herded through the Gates Of "Security" before boarding the plane.

I would like to strangle the imbecilic "Shoe Bomber" with my own bare hands for his contribution to this ridiculous mess. I have a legitimate question. How many shoe bombers have airport screeners caught since they started making EVERYBODY go barefoot through their metal detectors?

None? Well, I suppose that you could call this unblemished record proof that the system works, if you're a complete idiot. I call it absolute bullshit. I'm just surprised that the screening process doesn't include some fat-fingered cretin wearing latex gloves who demands that you drop trou and grab your ankles so that he can probe for a butt-bomb cleverly concealed up your ass.

Oops! I shouldn't have written that last sentence. It may give Homeland Security gurus another brilliant idea about how to herd cattle "protect" us from terrorists. We need to eliminate the threat of a bomb disguised as a hemorroid. (My aching ass, indeed.)

If I thought that this shit did any good, I wouldn't bitch about it. But I think it's a farce. It's a bunch of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

You should have seen the airport security goons personnel leap into action when a sweet young thang in line ahead of me set off the metal detector when she passed through it. To me, she damn sure looked like a terrorist. Long, blonde hair, pinned up in a nice coif. Lovely blue eyes. Pretty red toenails on feminine bare feet. Nice rack. Fine ass. Yep. SHE definitely fit the profile of a crazed jihadi.

In fact, she appeared to be so dangerous that I wouldn't have minded having her sit in my lap in a cramped coach seat all the way to Atlanta. (Hey---I'm willing to do MY part to ensure passenger safety.)

The security alert was triggered by her nice coif, held in place by a bunch of bobby pins, which the metal detector didn't like. She was yanked out of line for a more thorough search, which I would have enjoyed doing myself. (Hey--- I SAID I was willing to do MY part to ensure passenger safety.)

I heard someone behind me whisper, "Ohmygawd! She's not gonna want to take those bobby pins out. She had her hair done for the wedding."

Bridesmaids with exploding bobby pins? Hair-bombs? Don't laugh. It's possible and we must be eternally vigilant, always asking ourselves, "What will the terrorists think of next?"

I passed through the checkpoint without incident, so I never saw what finally became of her. For all I know, she was dragged off and shot for refusing to remove the bobby pins from her hair. Maybe she's rotting away in Gitmo now.

Who knows? Whatever happened, it was in the name of Homeland Security and therefore a small price for her to pay. My plane didn't blow up between Austin and Atlanta, so there's your proof that the system works.

I feel safer just thinking about it.

Comments

Well, that is slightly less humiliating than having the underwire in your bra set the damn thing off. AND being checked out in front of everyone else in line while those idiots figure out it isn't primacord holding the girls up.
What wastes of genetic material.

Posted by: Raging Mom on May 1, 2006 01:00 PM

That's funny. In another country I won't name here, they seem to believe only a man can be a threat. On a trip back to the U.S. recently I and my daughter (and our carryons) were told to go ahead to the plane, while my husband was detained and they AGAIN checked his bag and ran the metal detector wand over him.

I got on the plane thinking: "Hope there are no splodeys of a FEMALE persuasion on this plane."

Posted by: Jane on May 1, 2006 01:16 PM

Hair Bombs...gives new meaning to the term "Beehive 'Do". I dunno though, I've seen some women sporting big-hair that could be considered a weapon of mass destruction. Especially around Dallas.

--TwoDragons

Posted by: Denita TwoDragons on May 1, 2006 03:22 PM

Atlanta is the worst. I went thru there in Jan. It was self-serve security. It was get your own buckets for personal items, and no one around. I didn't take my shoes off. And no one noticed.

Posted by: Jane on May 1, 2006 05:08 PM

Just imagine how much worse it would have been if Richard Reed, the shoe bomber, had hidden his explosive in a different place and been known as 'The Underwear Bomber'.

I guess it could always be worse.

Posted by: Oldhopsing on May 1, 2006 05:12 PM

I'm with Jane. Once, while putting my shoes back on after going though security, I remarked to the girl next to me, "I sure hope nobody ever tries to smuggle a bomb on-board by sticking it up their ass". I did, surprisingly, get a nod of approval from her.

Posted by: Maricopa Mark on May 1, 2006 05:50 PM

Bush is absolutely fine with 700,000 folks strolling across the border every year but they ME want to take off my shoes while they dig through my underwear.

No jokes of course while they are doing it.

Idiots in charge.

Posted by: robert on May 1, 2006 08:44 PM

Show up at the airport.

Full strip & body cavity search.

Check your clothes and effects.

Don the one-size-fits-all gummint paper suit.

Sit quietly in your seat & do not move until you reach your destination.

Retrieve checked clothing & effects.

Change into said clothing and proceed happily on your way.

Perfect.

Posted by: leelu on May 1, 2006 10:25 PM

As a frequent flyer, I couldn't agree more. I HATE Richard Reid and can't stand it when they make old ladies (or even handsome young men like myself) walk barefoot thru airport security all in the name of protecting us. Calling Bullshit is right on the money A-Man.

Posted by: FLorida Bill on May 2, 2006 08:07 AM

My father fought in WWII so we would NOT have to put up with police-state bullshit like this that does nothing to enhance our security. He now has an artificial hip, and a card state that he has one, where it is and what it looks like (with a picture so the dumbfucks at TSA won't get confused). But EVERYTIME he flies, he gets pulled over for the complete anal probing - after all, that artificial hip he gimps around in could be a rocket launcher or a WMD or whatever ... and the airlines wonder why people hate to fly?

Posted by: maggot on May 2, 2006 12:26 PM
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