Gut Rumbles
 

April 18, 2006

could be me

Today makes 180 days since I last took a drink of alcohol. That's six months, almost half a year. Pretty good, huh?

Yeah. Pretty good. But I went here this morning and read this:

After TWO years of sobriety, he's drinking again. This is the longest he's ever been sober and he's throwing it all away. He's going to lose his job and we are NOT picking up the pieces for him again. He's going to have to find some one else to raise his kids because we are DONE. Fifteen years of putting up with his crap is enough. He was drinking champane at the brunch yesterday and after slamming his 3rd glass of it his daughter asked him to stop. He refused. So when he wasn't looking, Babs took the salt shaker and poured it in his glass. He sure stopped after that. Fucker.

I know the anger, pain and frustration that others feel when they see a drunk pissing his life away. I've had all that emotion directed at ME, when I was spiraling down the shit-hole that I dug and filled with alcohol. Earth People don't understand why the alcoholic does it, and the truth is--- neither does the alcoholic.

You think asking the question, "Why does he DO it?" bothers YOU? Try waking up with the shakes and no recollection of what you did the night before, and asking YOURSELF, "Why do I DO it?" and being absolutely helpless to stop.

Been there, done that. It ain't fun.

It ain't much fun for the people who care about you, either, but they need to get one thing through their heads. Alcoholics never quit drinking until THEY decide to quit, and even then they may not be able to do it. When Bill W. said that alcohol was "cunning, baffling, powerful," he wasn't kidding. If you've got the itch, it trumps everything your logical mind tells you. You'll drink even when you don't want to.

That's why I ain't bragging a lot about being sober for six months. I could fall right off the wagon tomorrow if I ain't careful. I may have stopped drinking, but I'll NEVER stop being an alcoholic. I KNOW that fact, and it scares the living shit out of me.

If I start drinking again, I won't wind up back in rehab. I'll end up on a slab at the morgue. And even facing THAT fact, I can't guarantee that I'll never drink again. I don't WANT to go there, but that doesn't mean that I won't.

You Earth People may not understand. But I do.


Comments

Congrats on 6 months. Still prayin' for ya.

My alcoholic loved one is currently doin' time for PI. Pretty sure he's one of those who'll never DECIDE to stop. We're all kinda surprised he's survived this long.

Posted by: Jane on April 18, 2006 09:02 AM

One day at a time. I have been off the stuff since Sept 1990 after being a fifth a day man for years. And I know I am just a drink away from being right back where I was and I tell myself every time I think about it I ain't going back., not today. But the good thing is that I now go for days if not weeks at a time without thinking about it. Not drinking is habit forming also.

Posted by: GUYK on April 18, 2006 09:08 AM

In my little alcoholic corner of the world, I've seen friends drink again after any number of months or years, up to 19 years. Not gonna worry about the rest of my life, I don't have to stay sober any longer than this 24 hours and will probably need my higher power's help to do that. We are NEVER "safe".

Try never to forget where you were when you took that last drink. This has to be better than the train wreck we were watching in print.

Congratz on the 180, my friend.

Posted by: Larry on April 18, 2006 09:10 AM

We'll be happy if you just don't have a drink today. Tomorrow we'll see what happens. You know the drill.

Posted by: og on April 18, 2006 09:15 AM

Congratulations on the 180.
I like what I've been reading.
djs

Posted by: DJSloan/Houston on April 18, 2006 09:58 AM

Congrats on the 6 months! I really think you'll make it becasue you are doing it for yourself, not someone else. My parents quit drinking for us kids when we were babies and now that we have left the home, (27 yrs late from start to finnish) they are drinking again. But as long as you take it one day at a time, and keep doing it for yourself and no one else you will be fine!

Posted by: Steph on April 18, 2006 10:09 AM

Congrats! I know you can do it!

Posted by: livey on April 18, 2006 10:38 AM

I've been trying to crawl on the wagon. I had an incident similiar to Aman's. I woke up blowing about a gallon of blood all over the place. Spent three days in the hospital. (Mallory-Weise Tear in the esophagus).

After about a week or ten days of sobriety the dick stops working and black depression sets in. I'm always a happy guy. WTF!

The cycle repeats.

Advice?

Posted by: Ed on April 18, 2006 11:11 AM

Ed, try chocolate or some other sweet you like. May sound silly, but try it.

Posted by: Larry on April 18, 2006 11:18 AM

Alcoholism is a horrible disease.
Not only does it destroy you, it destroys all those who love you.

Posted by: Maeve on April 18, 2006 11:22 AM

Ed, we who have quit and stayed quit have all been through it. The only thing I know to tell you is that you just have to work you way through it--one minute at a time if that is what it takes. I will not take a drink during the next minute and then the next and then the next..it will get better--usually. But no one can help you except you and you have to want it bad enough to just do it.

Posted by: GUYK on April 18, 2006 12:24 PM

Way to go A-man. One day at a time and all that but I just know one of these days we'll be talking about how it's been YEARS since you took a drink.

Posted by: Libby on April 18, 2006 12:37 PM

Popcicles, Ed. That's what I reach for when I want a drink now. You get a sugar fix and by the time you finish eating the popcicle, the urge to drink has passed.

I keep my freezer FULL of popcicles now...

Posted by: Acidman on April 18, 2006 01:10 PM

I hope that you continue to win this battle; I couldn't begin to understand how difficult it must be...
Lots of love coming your way...

Posted by: Lisa on April 18, 2006 01:48 PM

" I KNOW that fact, and it scares the living shit out of me."

Scared is GOOD! Fear can be a really excellent motivator.

Way to hubba a-dude /;~)

Posted by: Wes Jackson on April 18, 2006 04:19 PM

Was married to an alcoholic for almost 19 years..... he drank more than he worked.... I finally had to leave.......five months later, he put a shotgun to his forehead..... his choice, of course..... but one I get to live with forever.
Acidman, you have been strong this long..... continue to believe in yourself.....one day at a time......one hour at a time, if that's what it takes......"do no harm"......starting with yourself!

Posted by: Jean on April 18, 2006 06:32 PM

Congrats, Rob!

Posted by: Brian on April 18, 2006 07:55 PM

Congratulations on the 6 months. Hope things go good for you. Keep on making them meetings and meeting other people in recovery. You'll be fine as long as staying sober is more important than anything else.

Posted by: assrot on April 18, 2006 08:26 PM

Congratulations on hitting the 180 mark. Keep it up, one day at a time.

Posted by: Wichi Dude on April 19, 2006 03:48 AM

Congratulations, Acidman... believe me, there are worse things than a slab in the morgue, there's wishing you were on a slab in the morgue... hell, you know what I'm saying...

several cups of coffee later....

yours in support,
scroff
feel free to email

Posted by: scroff on April 20, 2006 02:27 AM

Drunks don't quit till they want to. I didn't quit because I woke up and couldn't remember where my car was. I didn't quit because I woke up with a woman who couldn't pass my sober scrutiny. I didn't quit because it cost more money than I could afford.

No, I quit because of a simple, unsexy, even laughable byproduct. Gout. I quit when drinking made it near impossible to walk. Mobility. What a motivator.

Congradulations on six months. Good luck on the next day.

Posted by: razorbacker on April 20, 2006 07:02 AM

"You think asking the question, "Why does he DO it?" bothers YOU? Try waking up with the shakes and no recollection of what you did the night before, and asking YOURSELF, "Why do I DO it?" and being absolutely helpless to stop."

But you stopped. How?

Seriously. Good on ya. I can't figure out how to save my life...

Posted by: William on April 26, 2006 09:47 PM
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