Gut Rumbles
 

March 20, 2006

flatulence and old farts

Yesterday, I farted enough gas to inflate the Goodyear Blimp. Twice. I think that's a good sign, but it doesn't seem to be doing much to make my belly feel better. I couldn't blog before now because sitting in the computer chair hurt too bad. If I didn't KNOW what happened to me, I would suspect that someone opened me up and assaulted my innards with hammer and tongs. Sore ain't the word for it.

At least my voice is coming back. Bejus. You shut Acidman up for a few days and all kinds of internal pressures start to build, like a volcano with a cork in it. I really ain't the silent type. Now I can't even talk to MYSELF, for cryin' out loud. I may explode any minute.

Recondo 32 and his lovely wife Georgia came to visit me yesterday and that was one pathetic affair. Recondo can't hear, I can't talk and Georgia... well, you can bet your sweet ass that no lapse in conversation occurred. She finally had her chance to be the sole Star of the Show and she took full advantage of it. Now I know why Recondo never wears his hearing aids. No brook in the world can babble longer or louder than Georgia can. She made me miss the morphene injections I was getting in the hospital.

I've been sleeping a lot since I got home. A hospital may be a good place to go to keep from dying, but it damn sure ain't no place to get well. Every time I managed to nod out in a dope-induced stupor, somebody woke me up to poke me, prod me or inflict various humiliations upon me. I don't think I slept more than three hours straight the entire time I was in there. My body is playing catch-up now.

I discovered this morning that my phone has been off the hook since sometime Saturday. Acid Daughter called to check on me and to give me her new cell phone number and I had to switch phones during the conversation. I never went back and hung up the first phone. Oh, well. If you called and got a busy signal, I probably didn't want to talk to you anyway. And YOU didn't need to hear the rasping, gasping noises I made when I attempted to speak.

No, I was better off by myself, cutting farts of incredible duration and volume. (Although it would have been nice to show off a few of those in front of witnesses. They were true prize-winners. But you'll just have to take my word for that.) Give an old fart a bad case of flatulence and you've plumbed some pretty disgusting depths. Trust me.

I managed to eat a scrambled egg and a piece of dry toast this morning, which was an incredibly rich feast after the diet I've been on, which is: "if you have to chew it, you can't have it." What I really crave is a large pizza with extra cheese and every topping except anchovies. I think I dreamed about eating pizza last night.

But I'm wary about going THAT far, because my belly is still sore and distended. Tap it with a finger and it feels as tight as the head on a snare drum. That's the main reason why I find it so difficult to get comfortable no matter how I try to sit up or lay down. It's as if someone emptied out their Shop-Vac in my gut and left me absolutely PACKED full of rusty nails, broken glass, barbed wire and fish hooks.

Other than that, I'm a lot better than I was.

Comments

Welcome back, A-man. Damn glad to see you back home. Hope you can still make it to Austin.

Posted by: Walrilla on March 20, 2006 11:12 AM

Get Well Soon!

Posted by: Ruth on March 20, 2006 11:12 AM

I guess turnips are out of the question.

Sounds like you needed a good dose of Georgia. She always makes me smile.

Posted by: Jim -PRS on March 20, 2006 11:16 AM

Rest good and get better. Glad to hear you're over the hump.

Posted by: og on March 20, 2006 11:44 AM

Good to see you're on the computer this morning. It's no fun being laid up.

Posted by: Tessa on March 20, 2006 12:02 PM

So glad to hear you're feeling better. Hope it's a speedy recovery.

Too bad you don't do podcasting, you could have recorded the flatulence for posterior-ity.

Posted by: Libby on March 20, 2006 12:06 PM

Dude, glad to see you are doing better. That hole in the stomach stuff has GOT to suck the BIG weenie! Stomach surgery sucks, too...try and walk around ...a crippled shuffle will work..LOL..anyway..walk..your muscles have been stretched so many different ways that you don't even want to know. Walking will take the soreness out. Had several stomach surgeries ...I just wish one of them bastards had been like left-handed or something so the shit could be stretched evenly.

Hope you get to feeling better soon.

Posted by: Kelly on March 20, 2006 12:10 PM

Were the farts as good as the ones we use to have at work? Remember the farting contests at work, You, Tim, Jp and me?

Posted by: Catfish on March 20, 2006 12:35 PM

Now you know what it's like to be pregnant! And you know you absolutely love Ms Georgia!

Posted by: livey on March 20, 2006 12:36 PM

... glad you're on the mend, killer...

Posted by: Eric on March 20, 2006 12:57 PM

I loved that Miss Georgia but if I had a sore belly I don't know how much I would want to be around her because she makes me laugh too hard.

good to hear that the butt is rumbling as well as the Gut. And as always good to see you writing.

Posted by: GUYK on March 20, 2006 01:35 PM

Good goin' A-man!

Posted by: Bonita on March 20, 2006 02:00 PM

Podcast those farts. Make us proud.

Then try my pizza recipe.

Posted by: Steve H. on March 20, 2006 02:29 PM

Wishing you a speedy recovery. djs

Posted by: DJSloan/Houston on March 20, 2006 03:05 PM

When you are able I will have an "everything hold the rotten pussy" pizza delivered to your house...Keep getting well, glad to see you blogging again!

Posted by: Steph on March 20, 2006 04:36 PM

Yeeehawwww! Good on ya, A-man. Glad it was no worse than it was. I'm also glad I don't have to spend any time in your house for the next few days, enduring the results of your doctor's orders. Peeeeuuuuuuu!

Stinky times ahead. Get well. And remember, a drink won't make ANYTHING better.

Doc

Posted by: Doc on March 20, 2006 04:42 PM

You farted?

I thoght another fuel depot had blown up near where I am.

Thank gods for small mercies ;)

Glad to hear you're on the mend. If you fancy hearing a story 'bout a cute little kitty, head over to my place ;) The man involved did own a gun...

Posted by: Misty on March 20, 2006 06:51 PM

Glad to see you healing up!

all you gotta do know is find someone brave enough to hold a lighter for ya.

FIRE IN THE HOLE!

Posted by: heath on March 20, 2006 10:53 PM

Sounds like you'd have been better off if it had been food poisoning or a parasite... Good to know you are back.

Posted by: emdfl on March 21, 2006 07:31 AM

it sounds like you had the exact same thing I had for over a week. I had a terrible upper respiratory thing coupled with the worst belly pains on earth. I had nausea, vomiting, the shits, gas that could be used for chemical weaponry... you name it, I had it. the doctor put me on 2 different antibiotics and had me out of work for a week b/c she didn't know if I was infectious. I still have a wheezy cough that gets worse when I lie down and when I walk up a flight of stairs (and I'm exausted), but most of the stomach issues are finally gone. so, I feel your pain, man.

Posted by: girl on March 21, 2006 04:39 PM

Rob...
The hole in your gut could have been caused by a bacteria called Helicobacter pylori (H. pylori).
Check out the following site.
http://www.usnews.com/usnews/doubleissue/heroes/marshall.htm

Posted by: No Mo on March 22, 2006 01:08 AM

Did you know you can make a pretty decent living doing that?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Professional_farter

Get well soon.

Posted by: rosignol on March 24, 2006 01:49 AM
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