Gut Rumbles
 

March 10, 2006

you're all invited

Come to my funeral. I'm sure that it's gonna be held any day now, just as soon as I finish shitting and barfing myself to death.

Whatever it was that hit me in Costa Rica returned with a vengence Wednesday night, and I believe that the only thing that has kept me alive this long is the fact that I'm SOOOOO full of shit. But I'm dipping deep into my reserves now. I'm not sure how much longer I can last.

When you start upchucking your anti-nausea medicine, you KNOW things are really bad.

I want a Viking funeral. Throw my corpse on a wooden boat, pile a bunch of pine cones, old newspapers and my unpublished novel around me, soak it all in kerosene and set it all on fire. Shove the boat out onto the Forest City Gun Club Lake (I have many fond memories of that place) at sunset and watch me burn to the water and sink. Then, go get drunk.

Run up a huge bar tab--- go someplace nice and drink the good stuff until you become loud and obnoxious and are asked to leave---you can charge it all on my Visa card.

Arrrrgh! I would publish my Last Will and Testiment, too, but I gotta go barf again...

Comments

What you are describing sound like the exact same symptoms I had when I had been infected with Salmonella (here in the good 'ole USA).

The belly pain made me scream much like labor pains. The vomiting and diarrhea were incessant.

If you think you might have some kind of parasitic infection, you best get thyself to the ER. You won't get better on your own. And a shot of Phenergan in the ass is a wonderful thing, even though it burns somewhat.

Just as an aside, mine started with a distinct "gut rumble" a day or two prior to the actual onset of symptoms...akin to hunger/digestion grumbles, but not quite. Kind of hard to explain.

Good luck, my friend. You have my most sincere sympathy. That was, by far, the WORST sickness I had in my entire life, no shit (pardon the pun).

Posted by: Surfie on March 10, 2006 02:55 PM

My bad, after a quick Googler, it is a bacteria and not a parasite, but still....

Just be prepared to shit in a little cup.

Posted by: Surfie on March 10, 2006 02:58 PM

Could also be tropical sprue. Got that one in Brazil one time. Ugh...I wanted to die! At least your blog name still fits, and you will not loose your title of crap blogger of the decade.

Posted by: Steph on March 10, 2006 03:04 PM

I'm rounding up the pine cones and kerosene and working hard on the getting drunk part. Waiting on the Visa card info. (BTW: Surfie is right - phenergan will make you feel like maybe, just maybe, life might be worth living. Get some.)

Posted by: Gotcha on March 10, 2006 05:02 PM

Lumpuckeroo of the blowhole! Seen it before. But, do ya have to die NOW! I loaned the Viking sword and battle axe to the neighbor kid and he has not returned them. The outift is at the cleaners and the boots...well, I don't even want to go in to it. Stop being such a selfish bastard and show a little consideration, it's gonna take at least a week to get the outfit together for a Viking Funeral!!! and you got problems, sheeeesh!!

Posted by: Rumbear on March 10, 2006 05:08 PM

Get to an ER as soon as possible. When you're that sick, you need the serious meds. You won't get better on your own. I know this because I just went through a similar thing. I was throwing up every 15 minutes or so......couldn't keep down even a teaspoon of water. I finally got to the hospital, they hooked me up to an IV, pumped me full of some wonder drugs, and almost immediatly I was better.

There's no need to keep suffering. Get to a hospital right away.

Posted by: DogsDontPurr on March 10, 2006 05:10 PM

Be careful of possible dehydration. I have a friend who recently couldn't eat or drink for 3 days. By the time he got to hospital, he was having some kidney failure. Probably a really good idea not to wait to seek medical help.

Posted by: Tessa on March 10, 2006 05:21 PM

Sounds like giardia to me. See comment in "pregnant" thread... Protozole is the answer. If you send me your address I'll send you the pills. The were real cheap in Egypt..

Posted by: emdfl on March 10, 2006 06:05 PM

Call your quack right away. Whatever it is, it isn't an ordinary attack of the revenge. The swelled belly is worrisome. And you should not still be puking at this level for so long.

Just do it. A phone call costs you nothing and it's time for a medical professional to assess your symptoms.

Posted by: Libby on March 10, 2006 06:28 PM

Everyone is right. Dehydration is of much concern right now.

Please get to the ER ASAP. Quit worrying about planning your damned funeral and cheat us out of a good time.

Posted by: Cheryl on March 10, 2006 06:38 PM

Coincidentally, I've been thinking of setting you on fire lately. I'm glad you sent the heads up you prefer to be dead first! I'll put my monkeys on that boat, so you have some playmates in Purgatory.

Posted by: Velociman on March 10, 2006 08:16 PM

I got wicked bad food poisoning from an IHOP burger - I got myself to the ER for some saline infusion and some IV anti-nausea meds. Trust me, you feel so much better after that second liter of saline goes in. Once they stop the barfing, they'll give you immodium which will stop the shitting, and all will be well. That sick "oh god I can't stand up" feeling goes away too. Food poisoning SUCKS.

Posted by: Cythen on March 10, 2006 09:59 PM

I'm thinkin' you just want to get the butt plugs like kelley!! Seriously, sounds like you got some wicked shit - best get thyself to a doctor.

Posted by: Michele on March 11, 2006 07:22 AM

When my father tells me not to give him an expensive funeral, I always ask him why he thought there was any danger of that happening.

Posted by: Steve H. on March 11, 2006 10:13 AM

You are not allowed to die until after the Austin blogmeet damnit. I missed my chance to meet Townes VanZandt, because he died before I moved to Austin. So go to the doctor or whatever you have to do, but no dying.

Posted by: knine on March 11, 2006 02:58 PM

Viking funeral in at the base of the Georgian applachain mountains, or whereever you live, which is not on the coast, is well, difficult.
The Vikings put the body on a small boat, set it a fire, and pushed it out into the ocean.
I guess if you have enough liquor there, a couple of kegs, we can urinate a stream and put your body on a raft, or a log, light it, a send it away.
One thing, your Viking helmut. That would be a waste to burn the horns, so those should be acutioned off, if not, I would steal them before they burnt. Horn is an impressive phalic symbol.

Posted by: Terry on March 11, 2006 07:37 PM

Does anyone who reads this live in Rincon? I think someone should go check on Rob.

Posted by: Renee on March 11, 2006 10:46 PM

You can contiue having the "explosive s***s" util you crap yourself to death OR you go the doc and find out what it is. My bet is still with giardia... WHICH AIN'T GOING TO GO AWAY BY ITSELF!!!

Took me two weeks to do this the first time it got me. Took me two days to figure it out myself the next time.

Posted by: emdfl on March 13, 2006 07:06 AM

You can contiue having the "explosive s***s" until you crap yourself to death OR you go the doc and find out what it is. My bet is still with giardia... WHICH AIN'T GOING TO GO AWAY BY ITSELF!!!

Took me two weeks to do this the first time it got me. Took me two days to figure it out myself the next time.

Posted by: emdfl on March 13, 2006 07:07 AM

One thing I've noticed in my various physical training over the years (martial arts, swim/bike/run, hiking) is that we have a LOT more in us than we ever suspect. So you've prolly got a healthy shit reserve even now.

But you should probably go see that doctor anyway. Hope you feel better.

Posted by: disconnect on March 13, 2006 09:50 AM

Kerosene? Naw, naw.

You're more of a white gas kinda guy.

Posted by: Sigivald on March 13, 2006 01:47 PM
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