Gut Rumbles

February 01, 2006

coffee snob

A few years ago, I quit drinking coffee because it upset my stomach. I didn't give up caffiene (which is one of the essentials in the Four Basic Food Groups--- the other three being nicotine, alcohol and cholesterol); I just switched to getting my required daily joltage from high-octane soft drinks such as Mountain Dew instead of java. Plus, I could put vodka in Mountain Dew.

But a stint in alcohol rehab and bunch of AA meetings put coffee back in my life. Big time. Hell--- I think AA would cease to exist if coffee were banned at the meetings. The unwritten 13th Step in the program is learning to clamp your bladder until the next bathroom break.

So, I drink a lot of coffee now. I started out with my customary Maxwell House or Folger's, but with my addict's proclivities, I soon graduated to The Hard Stuff. I blame catfish. He got me hooked.

Cat offered me a cup of coffee while we were sitting around the bonfire at his blog meet a month ago. I accepted and REALLY liked the way that coffee tasted--- kinda like regular coffee with chocolate and nut flavors mixed in. Later, I learned that it was Don Francisco's Vanilla Nut gourmet blend coffee.

I made a special trip to the grocery store to buy a can of that stuff. I also purchased some Hawaiian Hazlenut, Columbia Supreme and Kahlua Vanilla Creme, too. That's what I drink now, in a cup the size of a beer mug. (Speaking of which, I need to take a picture of my coffee cup and send it here. Mine is BIGGER than their's.)

Yes, I have become a Coffee Snob. A fucking Java Yuppie. The next thing you know, I'll be buying triple lattes from Starbucks, wearing Birkenstock shoes and driving a Beemer. I should be ashamed of myself.

But I'm not. I'm a coffee snob.


I am not a coffee snob, however, dont ever put cream or sugar in my java.....nothing ruins a good cup a joe like cream or sugar.....UGH

Posted by: Ruth on February 1, 2006 01:07 PM

Forget Starbucks. For true coffee snobbery you've gotta roast your own--check out this place:

Posted by: Ice Scribe on February 1, 2006 02:06 PM

It's ok Rob, I'm a coffee snob too.
Chocolate Hazlenut is my drug of choice, and I too, prefer a dark cup, although really my preference is for cup size.

A cup of coffee should be at least a travel mug worth, just a cup ain't enough....

And I have become quite the fan of flavored coffeemates (liquid, though, not powder), particularly the toffee nut and cinnamon vanilla creme flavors.

Always two sugars and creme, two cremes if it's in a restaurant. My friend used to joke that whenever I ordered coffee it was ok because "no coffee beans were harmed in the making of that beverage"...

Posted by: caltechgirl on February 1, 2006 02:07 PM

I like regular coffee, black.
No fagachinos for me

Posted by: Franky on February 1, 2006 02:25 PM

I like double expresso black, no sugar. My morning coffee passes for mud in some parts.

Hazelnut actually gives me a throbbing headache...but I'd sip a plain vanilla with ya anytime.

Posted by: Maggie on February 1, 2006 02:46 PM

Have you heard about the most snobbish coffee's of them all?

Literally, they feed coffee beans to a small furry mammal. The creature defecates the beans, which are roasted. Seems the stuff goes for $600 plus a pound!

I like the undefecated Gevalia foo-foojava.

Black and bitter, like my wimmen!

Posted by: dc on February 1, 2006 02:52 PM

Here is the link:

Civet Cats!

Posted by: dc on February 1, 2006 02:57 PM

I'm a coffee snob too. I only buy a cup at the convenience store if it doesn't smell like it's been defecated by a small furry animal.

That unfortunately means I don't drink much coffee.

Posted by: McGehee on February 1, 2006 03:02 PM

Coffee snobs don't use flavoured beans.

(They don't even normally drink a flavoured drink, but they definitely don't use flavoured beans. That's an abomination.)

Me, I just like a little sugar in coffee, unless it's a poofy espresso drink.

dc: I like my beer like I like my women; cold, pale, and bitter.

Posted by: Sigivald on February 1, 2006 03:03 PM

Don't forget about the Irish Creme we had too. Remember how great the Crackerbox smelled that day?
I broke down and bought a couple of those little packets and added them to my folgers. I love it.

Posted by: livey on February 1, 2006 03:04 PM

Starbucks is nasty coffee, but I guess if you like(d) Folgers, it'll suit you. To me, everything Starbucks sells tastes and smells burned.

Count me among the snobs. I buy my coffee from in 5 lb bags, although 8 O'Clock coffee from the grocery store is drinkable.

Posted by: Arcs on February 1, 2006 03:24 PM

You'll cease to be a coffee snob if you start buying Starbucks. Stick to coffee that's drinkable.

Posted by: Jay on February 1, 2006 03:27 PM

If you only knew anything, you'd know that caffeine is best accentuated by the Cof-Tea process. After making the strongest coffee you can imagine, drop some tea bags into it. You will not regret this move, though your supposed compatriots might. Be prepared to run.

Posted by: Ga-ne-sha on February 1, 2006 04:13 PM


Posted by: Tripp on February 1, 2006 04:53 PM

All the Norwegians in this family drink MJB, not in GA stores but you can get it at a PX, its cheap and very good.

Posted by: Otis on February 1, 2006 07:10 PM

Do ya think all this coffee might have something to do with your chronic insomnia?

Just askin'.

Posted by: Reader A on February 1, 2006 07:18 PM

Folks, you haven't had a real mug of coffee until you've had genuine US Navy "engine room" coffee.

Here's the recipe.

Take any coffee - Folgers will do, but it's best when it comes in one of those great big 5 gal. cans. Open the can and let it get good and stale by leaving it out about a week. Then take the stale coffee and brew up a pot. Let it stand on the burner for about a day and a half until it's good and thick. Add a pinch of salt to simulate a shipboard evaporator, and one drop of either diesel fuel or hydraulic oil to give it that special sheen.

Drink it black-n-bitter - it's the only way. (Anything else is coffee flavoured candy.)

Gooood Coffee!

And on that note, here's a poem I came across awhile back... Enjoy. ;-)


by Cdr. Rod Mooney, USN (ret)

For Greeks, ambrosia was OK,
But used up all a sailor's pay.
Tars worked for grog instead of wage
But as for me I love to hug
A good old Navy coffee mug.
Its fragrance cuts the salty air
and wafts me far away from there.
It's best when made so it can stand
Without the mug, just in your hand,
And crusted mugs from watches back
Are germ free, if your coffee's black.
Beware the canned milk on the bridge,
It's likely never seen a fridge,
And if it fails to pour or run,
It's left from World War Two (OR ONE).
But don't spill coffee on your boots
Your socks will soon start growing roots,
And if it penetrates the deck,
The panicked crew could cause a wreck.
Way down below, the engine crew
Prefers an even stronger brew,
And sometimes as they ply their craft,
They use the stuff to grease the shaft.
When Navy coffee's thick and black,
It guards against a heart attack,
And if it's strong enough, I'm sure
It functions as a cancer cure.
But best of all, it makes the days
Pass quickly in a caffeine haze.

Posted by: Roy on February 1, 2006 07:34 PM

Actually, the four major food groups are Sugar, Salt, Fat, and Caffiene. That's why washing a Big Mac and fries down with a Mountain Dew is the perfect diet.

Posted by: Ralph Gizzip on February 1, 2006 08:54 PM

Damn dude, you've discovered Don Francisco! Fantastic beans he sells!

I don't think there's anything "snobbish" about appreciating Don Francisco coffee. It's not terribly expensive or exclusive or such--it's just really really good, decently priced coffee.

Posted by: Desert Cat on February 1, 2006 09:55 PM

Now, I know beer in a can tastes different than beer in a bottle, but it makes a difference what color the inside of a coffee cup is?
Never noticed that and yeah, I know I ended a sentence with a preposition... want I should fix that?

And, I call myself a coffee snob, but only because I'd rather do without (which gives me a brain busting headache) than have to drink anything but Folger's with regular Coffeemate and a packet of Sweet-n-Low in it.

Guess I'll just change that to "I'm a coffee weirdo"...

Just getting ready to hit the hay and now alla this talk about coffee has me wantin' a cup...
Good thing I can drink the shit amd go right to sleep, eh?
*schleps out to the kitchen for a cuppa*

Posted by: Stevie on February 1, 2006 11:15 PM

I'm surprised that no one has mentioned the "chicory style" coffee's like they sell at Cafe Du Monde in New Orleans.

The Cafe Du Monde brand coffee is about $8 per can, but there are excellent imitations like "Chock full 'o Nuts", etc that can be had for close to "normal" coffee prices.

I grew up with my mother's father, the cattle and peanut farmer, drinking this stuff and it is excellent.

Chicory is the root of a flowering plant that has a nutty flavor and is blended with the coffee beans to make, in my considered Redneck opinion, a great cup of Joe.

Try it, you'll like it...Mr. Rob

Posted by: virgl on February 2, 2006 03:25 AM

Don't take the name wrong it's actually the companys name. Toddy Coffee company is located in Houston, Texas. They make a cold water brewing system. One pound of coffee and about nine cups of water in their coffee maker. Let it set for 12-24 hours. Transfer to their decanter. Your have a coffee concentrate of about three parts of water to one part of coffee. There are no acid or oils. You'll have one smooth cup of coffee that make your ears ring. No, I'm no a salesman just a coffee lover that never could handle hot coffee. I drink iced lattes with this concentrate. I get my milk group and my buzz group at the same time.

Posted by: Jim on February 2, 2006 07:02 AM

If I do a US edition Mug Shots Comp, will you send me a piccy of yours then darlin'?


Posted by: Misty on February 2, 2006 08:22 AM

if the coffee is still upsetting your stomach, I highly recommend getting yourself some Prilosec OTC and trying it out for a couple of weeks. coffee (and many other things) used to kill my stomach before I went on acid reflux medicine.

Posted by: girl on February 2, 2006 08:55 AM

We get Dunkin Donuts coffee delivered in 10lb boxes, the coffee in pre-measured vac-packed sachets.

Then make it in a restaurant-quality Bunn.

And then I drink it with light cream and lots of sugar (too bitter, otherwise, and I have a sweet tooth).

We're not coffee snobs, but flavored coffees are a Democrat invention. Look it up.

Posted by: Kim du Toit on February 2, 2006 10:13 AM

Just black, thank you very much. Coffee pot is #2 thing I do each morning rising. Folgers Breakfast Blend for every day because you can make it really strong without making it bitter. I grind 8 O'Clock beans (red bag) for a treat. Both brewed in Bunn. Every now and then, I'll buy and grind some French roast or expresso beans to mix with the 8 O'. I swear I've tried 'em all, but keep coming back to Folgers & 8 0'. If I hanker for a milkshake, I'll drink a cappu at the mall, but it ain't coffee.

Posted by: Larry on February 4, 2006 01:17 PM

A-man, i own no Birks and never have, and have only driven OTHER people's Beemers, but if you can ever get your mitts on a pound of REAL Jamaican Blue Mountain coffee (that's the type, not the brand), do it. You'll find it necessary to spit on anything else that has the misfortune of crossing your path. Does not chew up your gut, either. You're looking at about $15-$25 for a pound, but dude it is SO FUCKING worth it.

Posted by: pril on February 4, 2006 10:11 PM
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