Gut Rumbles

January 11, 2006

like a different team

Quinton's team won their basketball game tonight by a score of 36-32. It was a good game, and I swear that I didn't recognize the same team I saw play last night. This time, the boys acted like they actually knew what they were doing. Quinton shot twice from the field and made one, so he's maintaining his 50% field goal percentage. He stole the ball twice on defense, too.

My boy plays hard. What he lacks in height, he makes up for in hustle. I know what that's like.

After the game, I did just what I promised I was going to do. I introduced myself to the Bloodless Cunt's next victim. I walked up to him, stuck out my hand and said, "Hi. I've been wanting to meet you. I'm Rob, Quinton's daddy."

The guy looked at me without saying a word. He grabbed my hand and applied one of those bone-crusher squeezes that some assholes call a handshake. Bejus. I should have figured on that. He LOOKED like The Type.

I'm all for a firm handshake. I get the goosebump-willies and immediately distrust a man with a wimpy, dead-fish handshake. But this macho, "I'm gonna squeeze you to your knees" bullshit is almost as bad. The prick really impressed me with what a man HE is by pulling that shit on me. I think he was jealous because I've got more hair than he does.

I just smiled and squeezed back, thinking, "Oh! Don't hurt me, you awesome epitome of masculinity! I am SOOOOO impressed!" Fucking horse's ass. He and Jennifer fit together like an anus and a butt-plug. A perfect match: both of 'em shitty.

Well, at least I got THAT out of the way. Now I'll never have to shake his hand again.


The bone-crushing handshake has been done to me once in my life, about 15 years ago as a young teen, meeting some 50something acquaintance of my father's. I had no idea how to react at the time.

If someone did that to me now, I'd punch them in the face with my free hand first and ask questions later. They're basically saying they want to start a fight and they'd like you to give up right at the start. People like that don't deserve handshakes, they deserve sucker punches.

Posted by: Rollory on January 12, 2006 01:53 AM

Awww sheatleberries. That's just one of those "I,m compensating for my tiny splinter of a d!ck" handshake. /:~) My theory of why she dumped Rob is that good ol' BC likes to pick a boy with not much of a bulge, the better to dominate the poor lil' titmouse.


Posted by: Wes Jackson on January 12, 2006 02:07 AM

Heheh, sounds like someone was trying to compensate. Your dick is probably bigger, and she's probably told him that.

Posted by: Cythen on January 12, 2006 02:20 AM

Well, now you know more about him than he does about you. And I think that's a good thing. Glad you got to make it to the game.

And, ya' know, Cythen is totally right. Bonecrushing handshakes and fancy little cars are only compensation for one thing....

Good job Quinton!

Posted by: caltechgirl on January 12, 2006 03:12 AM

You're in serious need of some twelve-steppin' through a Jen-a-non program, bubba.

Posted by: Arcs on January 12, 2006 07:33 AM

Yeah team. I hope you get to go to all of them. Sounds like you're a good luck charm. The boyfriend is obviously intimidated by you and overcompensating for feeling inadequate. I suppose the BC filled his head with all kinds of imaginary stories about how evil you are. He probably shit his pants when you walked up to him.

Posted by: Libby on January 12, 2006 07:46 AM

Guys that shake hands like that have small dicks.

Posted by: Maeve on January 12, 2006 09:55 AM

Now the best revenge would have been if you had some pretty little hot young babe on your arm! lol

Posted by: livey on January 12, 2006 11:20 AM

Good trick. If you think somebody's gonna try that handshake on you, make sure to jam your hand firmly into his, up against the web of his thumb. He can squeeze all he likes and you can just sit there and grin painlessly. You and he both know he's a fool at that point. Great when you want to mess with a guy's head without making a scene.

Posted by: David on January 12, 2006 12:15 PM

When I was in about ninth grade, a friend and I visited a mutual acquaintance, and met his father. The house was huge and full of expensive junk, with a private tennis court. The father was one of those hard-driving Sharper Image craggy-complexioned corporate dickweed types; he owned the electric company.

He shook my friend's hand first, and I could see the pain on my friend's face. Obviously a bone-crusher; the guy had hands like big hams, and a mean old phony grin. Then he turned to shake my hand.

I was a pretty weak, skinny kid, but I climbed a lot of trees and rocks, did gymnastics and played the piano. I had strong hands. I used to show off by crushing a coke can with my fingertips, gripping over the top. None of my friends could do that.

So I grabbed this guys big ham-hand and did my best to smash it like a coke can. He was impressed. He asked if I'd been lifting weights. He couldn't hurt me, anyway.

The sick thing about the bone-crusher handshake is, anybody who knows it's coming can brace up and spare himself the pain, just as DAVID says. The bone-crusher only works if the victim trusts the perp, and goes to shake hands in a friendly way. You have to be a sick fuck to deliberately hurt someone whose only mistake is to be friendly to you. There's nothing manly about it.

Posted by: dipnut on January 12, 2006 02:00 PM

He and Jennifer fit together like an anus and a butt-plug. A perfect match: both of 'em shitty.

I have GOT to remember that one!

Posted by: maggot on January 12, 2006 03:01 PM

Firm Handshake! Son you've been assaulted! Call yur lawyur! Ex-wife sends new beau to commit assault! It's a conspiracy! Sue her ass too!

At your sons game....violence in front of little chillern! Child abuse...somebody needs to be locked up! Where's child protective services?!

Damages? Can you stil play "Devil Went Down to Georgia" on the Martin? I did'nt think so....Oh the humanity! Scarred, I say, scarred for life! Any bruising? Ka-Ching! Call me... you got my number..... we'll file suit on Monday, with good mail service we should settle by Friday.

Posted by: Rumbear on January 12, 2006 05:00 PM

I had that done to me once by an ex middle school coach after I came back from college. Unfortunately we crossed the same social circles and I have frequently been able to ignore his outstretched hand several times.

I agree with Rollory 100%.

Posted by: robert on January 12, 2006 10:37 PM
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