December 02, 2005
don't ask me why
You're probably wondering why I am blogging at such an ungodly hour. I am wondering the same thing.
During my 38 days of rest and relaxation at the Willingway Health and Beauty Spa, I developed a distinct sleep routine. I went to bed early and woke up when the nurse barged into my room to take my vital signs before sunrise in the morning. Sometimes she tied a piece of rubber tubing around my arm and took a blood sample, too. About the only thing she DIDN'T do at least once was run a finger up my brown-eye to check my oil.
I became accustomed to this routine and I decided to keep it up once I came home. So, it's been early to bed and early to rise for me all week long, even without the blood-pressure cuffs and the hypodermic needles rousing me from sleep. I was doing pretty good with it, too--- until tonight.
I went to bed at 11:00 PM. I couldn't get comfortable. I tossed and turned for a while. My legs started to ache, with a deep, annoying throb that seemed to come from the bone, just like the "growing pains" I experienced as a boy. My back itched in a place I couldn't reach with either hand. My feet felt cold.
I finally said, "To hell with THIS," and got up to watch a movie on TV and drink some apple juice--- the very same juice that my grandmother gave me on Tuesday--- the stuff that packs a very powerful laxative effect if you drink a lot at one sitting. (Do THAT and you'll be soon be sitting, all right, listening to the sound of a covey of quail flying right outta your ass!)
I wasn't paying much attention to the movie when I suddenly realized what was bothering me. It wasn't my aching legs, my itching back or my cold feet.
I was craving a drink of liquor. And I mean REALLY craving.
That's happened to me only three or four times since I came home from Willingway, and never in the middle of the night like this. But it was a bad craving.
I'm glad that I don't have any liquor in the house, because an evil voice was whispering bad things in my ear. "Nobody will know. Just take ONE drink. Just ONE, that's all. Then you can go to sleep. You WANT to sleep, don't you? Go ahead. Just one LITTLE drink."
I now know how Odessus felt when he was tied to the mast of his ship listening to the Song of the Sirens. If I had a bottle stashed around here I would have been sorely tempted to take a slash. Or two. Or three. Or an entire quart.
Instead, I went to my computer, surfed a few blogs and threw up a couple of posts just to keep my hands from becoming the devil's playthings. That craving is pretty much gone now.
But I drank three glasses of apple juice. I may be riding the stone pony before long and listening to sound of fluttering quail wings.
The bad part is, I'm still not sleepy. The good part is, I AM still sober.
Fight. And then fight some more. Then you get mean, and you got to fight harder.
But you already know that.
Damn, I get home from work and find you up and about.
This fight you're waging is a noble one and I do hope you stay on top. Notice I didn't say anything about "winning". From what I understand your fight isn't one that is ever won; it's a constant fight.
You're on my mind, brother.
Good job man! I like getting up early too. Around here, the need for money necessitates it, but it's still enjoyable anyway. Is there anything more peaceful than watching the sun come up?
Those cravings are a little scary aren't they? It's amazing how your own body can LIE to you like that...
I'm 7 mos sober now. For the first 3 mos, the cravings were a lion to be tamed. After that, not so bad. The monster only gets outta the box now if I have a really bad day.
It gets easier, Rob. I promise.
Rich is right - it gets easier. I remember those nights.
Use your head and hang tuff.
Good job, pally. I'm rootin' for you!
The failure rate on detox is high. I frankly don't know many who made it on one try but if anyone can do it, you can Rob. You're too stubborn to fail.
We're all rootin' for you, Rob. And we know you'll beat this because your own evil big voice is a damn sight stronger than that evil little voice you were hearing.
Hey, Sugar. It snowed here last night..(4 in the friggin am gal that i am) Everything is soooo friggin snowy and white. Pristeen almost, cept we know whut lies under neath it all, don't we. Is ok...is beautiful anyway and tomorrows another day and next the nother minute.
Teaspoon of sugar for the muskley cramps, Sugar, them dayum dayum nervous legs drive me crazy.
I hope you know that we're all proud of you for resisting the urge to drink! I was wondering, do you have anyone like a sponsor that you can call any time day or night when you have cravings like that?
I have a couple of "emergency" numbers to tide me over until I get a REAL sponsor on Monday. I didn't need to call anyone last night.
Weren't no booze in the house.
Oh man, what happens when someone give you a bottle of wine for Christmas? How do they tell you to deal with that?
"Just take ONE drink. Just ONE, that's all... Just one LITTLE drink."
You know that's a lie. That ONE little drink can put you right back on the path to self-destruction.
My husband finds picking up reading material makes his eyes heavy when he can't sleep -- doesn't work for me cause I stay up to finish the book!
Baseball (except the playoffs) always puts me out.
I'm keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Just hold on, you stubborn old fart. You can and WILL beat the monster.
Just remember- one drink is too many , a thousand not enough.
Good for you.
Hell, that's what time I get up every day for work.
Hi Rob, try doing your sugar stuff with meals only, and then eventually cutting it out completely..... helps tremendously with cravings. A very wise alcoholism counselor told me that 21 years ago, and I found it to be so helpful. I'm really glad you're going to AA, and that you will be getting a sponsor. For me AA was the "easier, softer" way, as there is so much support there, and I didn't have to do it alone anymore. I'm loving reading your posts. Thank you.
Keep up the battle, Rob. Hold on tight, and you should come out the other end of all this doing just fine.
Them cravings will come and go for the first year. Don't let them get the best of you. When you think you are craving alcohol, do something right away to take your mind off of it. You did the right thing. Keep on doing it. Calling your sponsor would be a good move in a situation like this. A good sponsor would not mind the call no matter what time it is.