Gut Rumbles
 

March 31, 2005

three days in a row

I've called Quinton every night this week, and all I ever got was the answering machine. (why is there no one home at 8:30 on a school night?) I asked him to call me back, but he hasn't done so yet. I don't expect him to, either.

The last time I was at Wal-Mart, I bought 24 "I Love You" and "I Miss You" greeting cards, and I've been sending one a day to Quinton, with a hand-written note inside. I haven't received a response and I don't expect one.

He'll NEVER look at me that way I looked at MY father. A DIVA took care of that. I'm going to keep calling and I'll keep sending the cards. But it won't matter.

Nothing does anymore.

Comments

Time changes those things, I think. I know someone who was in a similar situation, and they kept trying; ten years down the road, the kid looked at his mom as someone who was always negative, and his dad as someone who always tried. I hope this comes out in the wash for you too, Rob.

Posted by: og on March 31, 2005 01:34 PM

Rob, speaking from some an observational point of view here, I can assure you of the high probability that he knows what she's doing. It WILL backfire on her someday, because children (understandably) resent the parent who treats the other badly without cause. In addition, he's likely offended on his behalf, since he IS 50% Acidman, so obviously she's unwittingly insulting him as well.

You better believe he sees this crap going on. Kids are a lot sharper than people give them due credit for.

Posted by: sadie on March 31, 2005 01:49 PM

Is there a trusted 3rd party you can send his cards to? Some one that you KNOW will give them to him?
I know it's hard, hang in there. Karma will come back and bite your ex on her scanky ass.

Posted by: Maeve on March 31, 2005 02:19 PM

My oldest son has a similar problem.
First, he adopted his ex's son. Saw to it he got all the help he needed to get through college. Result: the kid treats my son like shit. Go figure.

His oldest biological son saw the light about his Mom and his brother.
Result: he is on good terms with his Dad.

Youngest son was coming around to getting along with his Dad..the ex jumped in and has
made sure that is reversed.
Result: Kid does not contact his Dad any more (well, unless he is in a bind).

It is just a shame.

Posted by: Sharon on March 31, 2005 02:32 PM

Ron it sucks that your ex has stooped to using your son against you. I've had a couple of friends who's mothers tried the same deal. In the end she was the one left out.

It's a long difficult road, but in the end the mother was the one that to reap what she sown.

Posted by: phin on March 31, 2005 02:50 PM

When a parent badmouths the other parent to a child, they're actually bashing the kid too -at least that's the way the kid eventually sees it (if you hate my mom you must hate me because that's where I came from).

I do wonder how your ex can do this to your son. Does she really think its ok to just yank you out of his life? That's cold. She can divorce you and run around with anyone she wants, but she can't change your son's DNA.

Men get so screwed. Men and women should start on equal ground in the eyes of the court. It shouldn't just be "assumed" that the best place for the child to be is always with the mother. A lot of "mothers" out there shouldn't be role models for ANYONE.

Posted by: Linda on March 31, 2005 02:52 PM

I know I'm not Quinton, but you know, you could send ME a card or call sometime and I'd respond. I'm here too :)

Posted by: Sam on March 31, 2005 02:56 PM

If you as a full grown man had trouble dealing with the ex, the kid may be paying excruciating penalties just for being YOUR son. He may be doing what she wants just to shut her "TFU". His way of surviving.

It wasn't until my stepson was moving out of his mother's house (and financial dependency) that my husband was able to form a really good relationship with him.

The divorce wasn't pretty!

Posted by: Maggie on March 31, 2005 03:15 PM

As a child, my parents divorced when I was 13. To this day, they do not speak. I was informed in no uncertain terms of my father's bottom-feeder lifestyle, and it did affect me for a long time. But as I got out of my teens, I made up my own mind, once I felt I was strong enough to stand up for myself and what was right. Trying to please the custodial parent is at times very difficult.

But I'll bet he comes around. Hope so. Peace.

Posted by: Lori on March 31, 2005 03:42 PM

She's not a diva, she's a cunt, plain and simple.

Posted by: maggot on March 31, 2005 04:00 PM

My ex was never a father to my kids when were married. I raised them. After the divorce he couldn't be bothered with them until they were teenagers. Now that the youngest is 19 he has managed to turn 2 of the 3 against me. At first I was so distrought I did nothing. Which actually caused more damage. Hang in there Rob, never give up. My only hope is that someday my children will see the truth and realize how much I love them and how much I did for them. Time will tell. You can't control your ex or your son the only thing you can control is how you show him you love him despite it all. Talk to your daughter and see if she talks to him. Siblings can be a great help if they are close. Good luck

Posted by: livey on March 31, 2005 04:21 PM

The reason she put herself ahead of your son is the same reason she is your ex. It is a disgusting display of selfish immaturity. You do however, have time on your side. As your boy grows older the bullshit his mommy pulls becomes very transparent. Keep plugging away and NEVER lower your standards to hers. He will become his fathers son eventually so try to be patient and realize that much of what he does or does not do has to do with a poisoned tongue and cold heart. Show him the path to manhood by example and he will gravitate toward you.

Posted by: Billy Budd on March 31, 2005 04:48 PM

Send him a full set of drums or an electric guitar with a big ass amp! Or send your letters registered mail and wait, someday he'll know the truth! Stop wasting your energy on your hate and contempt for her and find a way to channel it to your love for your son! You are a good man and just continue to be one! Just live to share your sons life someday. It is the natural inclination for a man child to want to know his dad, be patient, old friend!

Posted by: ken on March 31, 2005 05:15 PM

Registered mail is a VERY good idea, that way if the cum dumpster (thanks again stevie!) does not sign for them, you have proof to back you up in court. I don't know what your visitation rights are, but start documenting things NOW.

Posted by: Maeve on March 31, 2005 05:24 PM

Better than Registered mail....is

FACE TO FACE.

Set it up.....where you can catch him ALONE...no friends of his around....no witnesses.

FACE TO FACE.

MAN TO MAN.

But as I said in an earlier post, it may be TOO EARLY...

Is he INDEPENDENT FROM HER YET??

Posted by: Maggie on March 31, 2005 05:57 PM

Scan and copy to file the cards you send him. I'm betting he never sees the mail and you can give him the copies someday.

Posted by: Indigo on March 31, 2005 07:44 PM

Rob, there is no way for you to know if Quinton is ignoring you, or if BC is keeping him from even seeing the cards. You're doing the right thing, and someday Quinton will realize it - if he doesn't already. It is a bad parent indeed who badmouths the other parent, and kids catch on quickly.

Don't give up on him.

Posted by: Kathleen on March 31, 2005 08:25 PM

Every time someone dies, a wife, a husband, a child, a father or a mother, a son or daughter, there is someone left to grieve. The question is Do we stop living and forever grieve? or do we continue on, and live our life, as best we can, remembering the good we have been taught, while in the presence of those who have passed? I would guess the same could be said of divorce, where one or the other was deeply in love, but I am speaking of death, because that is the final chapter in any love story. Grief is a healthy thing, but it has its place. Grief is not to over take our lives and focus us on that one aspect of life. Grief is a feeling of loss and respect, also, love and sorrow. We have lost the one we loved, the one we respected and changed our lives to abide by their wishes and to gain their respect in return. We loved them so and are so sorry we did not convey the amount of love and respect we had for them. We all live, and we all love. Do we take every day and tell those we love ,how much we love them or do we wait till they are gone and then miss them and lament, and cry I wish I had shown them how much I loved them!

Posted by: ken on March 31, 2005 08:37 PM

Hang in there old friend, the sun will shine up your ass, soon, Cat.

Posted by: catfish on March 31, 2005 08:44 PM

It may seem like it won't matter...but, I would bet that there will come a time when it will mean a lot to him that you kept trying!

Posted by: Wendi on March 31, 2005 08:53 PM

Do something about this.

Go back to court. Unless you have been charged and convicted of child abuse there is no reason you shouldn't have visitation. There are convicted murderer crackheads who have never paid a dime in support for nine kids and still have visitation. A restraining order (or whatever they call them down there) is no reason you shouldn't be allowed to see your son. That's what supervised visitation is for. Yeah, it's bullshit, but what's more important -- your pride or looking your boy in the eye?

The judge fucked you. It happens all the time but is far from universal and not inevitable. I have custody of my three children, I know several other fathers who also have custody. It's not impossible.

If the judge is biased, appeal. Take it up a level and get out of that clowns courtroom. There are father rights groups that can help you through the bureacracy. Get a new lawyer. If your not seeing your son your lawyer was incompetent and I'd consider suing his ass (after you win with a new one).

Fer cryin' out loud. He's your only son and it's not looking like your going to have any others. You are not without options and the very worst thing you can do is give up. When he hits 15-16 he'll look back and if he knows his Daddy fought for him he'll *want* to see you and the bitch won't have a choice. This isn't forever and while you may feel your missing the best years of his life, but when it's all said and done, Dad not being around for a few years isn't the end of the world. You were there when he was young and you'll be there when he graduates -- then you have the rest of your lives.

But if you don't fight now and keep showing him your there, no matter what, you may never get that chance.

Posted by: Kinda, sorta, maybe on March 31, 2005 09:11 PM

Interesting how many of your recent posts tie together. It reveals more about you than you wish, I think.

Many ladies, er... women use their twats as weapons against men. While this is contemptable, it's not entirely unexpected.

Some spouses (usually women) use their KIDS as weapons against their ex. This is not merely contemptable, it's beyond the pale.

No, it's not over. Many are with you, Rob. I myself have been through it on the progeny side, and it took until I was 19 before I stopped believing everything the ignorant slut had to say. I'm much closer to my Dad today, in my 42nd year.

It still matters, Rob.

Now, should I come down there to Jawja and slap you silly?


R. in Arkie-land

Posted by: Richthofen on March 31, 2005 09:24 PM

In 1966 I married my longtime sweetheart, swung by the old man's place after the wedding only to be greeted by hostility for getting married. I made repeated attempts to reconcile our differences. Two years later I shipped out to Vietnam leaving behind the wife and year old baby. The old man bumped into my sister-in-law at the local store and asked where I was, She told him, his response was "well I hope he gets his ass shot off over there". The last time I saw him or the rest of the family was in 1967, father died in 1995, mother in 2004. I'm still married to the same woman, have grandchildren and extended family by marriage. Not one has treated me the way my own family did. Life is a long time, and it's their loss, you've extended the peace, it's up to them. I truly hope they see the light. Best wishes Rob.

Posted by: Jack on March 31, 2005 09:59 PM

Don't give up! Please don't!

A friend of mine married a man who had a daughter. Biomom wanted nothing to do with daughter. Stepmom and dad raise daughter.

When daughter graduates high school, biomom shows up wanting to reclaim her child. Sure, now that stepmom did all the grunt work, and daughter is all growed up. Biomom talks daughter into going to live with her, spends alot of money on daughter, lets her run wild, get into trouble, tells daughter lies and talks shit about stepmom.

Daughter listens to biomom's bullshit and tells stepmom to go fuck herself. Stepmom is devastated. She's got no kids of her own, and loves daughter like she's her own child.

Fast forward less than a year. Daughter calls stepmom one day out of the blue. She's alone, pregnant and scared. Biomom threw her out of the house when she discovered her pregnancy and daughter refused to have an abortion.

Stepmom and dad take daughter back, help her look after the baby and go back to school. Daughter and her child are doing well, and stepmom is ecstatic to have daughter (and now grandson) back in her life.

Daughter sees biomom for what she is, a cold hearted, scheming, lying bitch.

Don't ever stop trying to see your boy. He won't be a child forever, and he'll know that his dad never stopped loving him or trying to see him.

Posted by: Marla on March 31, 2005 10:22 PM

My parents are divorced..long story but I sometimes look for the worst outcome..that way I ain't never disappointed. I think you're settling in with what just might be a very harsh truth..you might not have any kind of relationship with your son until he is much older..like a grown man. These cards and letters you're sending..they will matter one day but not necessarily right now...it's terriblely sad but that's how it is sometimes. His world is with his mother..right or wrong that's just it...he'll come back to you..all boys do...he probably does want you now but later he won't be able to ignore his feelings because later it'll be more than a want...it'll be a NEED for you...you won't have to look far..Quinton will one day find you.

Posted by: sandy on April 1, 2005 04:20 AM

As a kid of a divorce (generally low-intensity, but it had its moments), I can say he'll come around. He might not be seeing the cards, he might be seeing you through his mother's eyes, but that will change.

As the grown-up it's your job to keep trying, give him time, let him grow. He'll see through everything eventually.

Just one suggestion though, as one commentor said, he's 50% acidman, he's also 50% your wife. I hope you don't run her down to him, justified as you may be. He is part of her too, and you don't want to be indirectly denigrating who he is too.

Give it time, and keep trying.

Posted by: Kal on April 1, 2005 05:55 AM

High probability is that he neither sees the cards or gets the phone messages. If this is the case all you are doing is stoking the ex's ego. Registered mail/return - receipt requested will answer that question, or send him a Fed EX package and then track it...

Posted by: emdfl on April 1, 2005 07:34 AM

It matters. It matters to that boy. It surely does.

Posted by: Florida Bill on April 1, 2005 08:35 AM

I don't know the specifics of the court orders against you, but if you are entitled to any kind of contact with Quinton and can't get a hold of him, I'd call the cops and ask for a 'welfare check' on him and Jennifer.

My cordless phone went on the blink a few months ago and I didn't realize it for days (I'm not a big fan of the telephone so I rarely make calls). My ex was trying to get in touch with me and became worried when he couldn't. He sent my town police over to check up on the kids and I. I wasn't real impressed about it, but the poor guy was worried sick about us LOL. Anyways, it might be just the thing to rattle Jennifer's cage and get her to establish contact.

Of course, if you're not allowed ANY sort of contact, it might not be a good idea. In that case, I suggest dismembering her body and feeding her to Catfish's gators.

I'm kidding...sorta LOL.

Posted by: Chablis on April 1, 2005 09:06 AM

Rob, been there done that. It hurts like hell when a son/daughter does that. I have 3, 2 boys and a girl, the girl is the oldest and we have a great relationship on the other hand she doesn't with her mother, I know why but she 23 and it's not my business. My ex only wants to see the boys when there isn't any money involved. She's done nothing to support them finacially ever. Long story short my youngest treated me the same way so I gave him his space, guess what? Dad's not that bad of a guy now. Be patient it will work in your favor.

Posted by: Greg on April 1, 2005 12:05 PM

Rob - Now that the legislature has passed the new law on parental support being based on need and non-custodial parent contact take the bitch back to court!

Posted by: Denny on April 1, 2005 02:19 PM

I read the comments. I was touched by Sam's comment. Maybe you could send her a couple of the I love you cards. Please.

Posted by: Patsy on April 2, 2005 07:16 AM

I read the comments. I was touched by Sam's comment. Maybe you could send her a couple of the I love you cards. Please.

Posted by: Patsy on April 2, 2005 07:17 AM
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