Gut Rumbles

March 04, 2005

mama tried

I held her hand today, and I don't know if she really understood me or not. But I think she did.

"Mama, I've screwed up a bunch in my life..."

"I know, I know."

"...but I've always loved you and I always will."

"I know, I know."

"I'm your black sheep, the radioactive son. Dave is the good one and I'm the bad example. You raised me better than the way I turned out. I know that I've broken you heart 100 times, and I regret that deeply. I am sorry for the pain I've caused you."

"I know, I know."

"I've been a shit, a complete jerk, but I always loved you. Maybe I didn't show it the right way, but I loved you just the same."

"I know. I know."

She fell asleep then and the ambulance from Hospice came to pick her up shortly thereafter. Man, do I feel bad right now. I've followed that different drummer all of my life and he didn't always lead me down the right path. But that shit is MY fault.

Mama tried.


This post is a tear-jerker.

Black sheep are always the favorites. You know that.

But I'm sorry you're losing her honey.

Posted by: Key on March 4, 2005 03:33 PM

Parents are amazing.

No matter how much we rebel and screw-up the one thing that never changes is their love for us.

No matter how much we rebel and screw up, without our even asking, they forgive us.

The guilt we have we will always carry with us unless we forgive ourselves of our own trangressions.

I said a prayer for your Mama and you today.

Posted by: The Wizard on March 4, 2005 03:37 PM

I'm sorry you are losing her too. But know this, a mother's love can never be lost especially for our boys. Even the bad stuff is good stuff to us.

Posted by: Oddybobo on March 4, 2005 03:38 PM

Thoughts for the best are with you both. May the light shine on and enfold you both in the days ahead.

Posted by: Laughing Wolf on March 4, 2005 03:40 PM

Dammit. I lost mine more than three years ago and it's still too soon for me to have the words for you, Rob. If I had 'em they'd be fantastic, though.

Posted by: McGehee on March 4, 2005 03:41 PM

.. peace to you and your Mother, Rob...

Posted by: Eric on March 4, 2005 03:49 PM

As a mom of two boys I can assure you that your mom always knows you love her. You can't be the radioactive one with the love and care you display for her here. No one is perfect. Mercy and forgiveness. You will always know her love.

Posted by: Kim on March 4, 2005 03:55 PM

Key is quite right. Black Sheep are always Mama's favorite. I haven't a clue as to why. I have noticed that at the end it's usually the Black Sheep holding Mama's hand while the white sheep have more important things to do, that is until the reading of the will and the diving up begins. You, my friend, are a case in point. I feel for you. I really do.

Posted by: Ed on March 4, 2005 04:12 PM

Lost my Mom in November. Got the call from the hospital, turned to my brother and said "We just lost our biggest cheerleader, Bud."

You'll live through it, Rob, just like everything else that's smacked you like a 2x4 between the eyes, and you'll feel guilty about that too, but your Mom wouldn't want you to feel too badly.

So, somewhere down the road, you'll "cowboy up" and remember the good times.

Posted by: Larry Kephart on March 4, 2005 04:18 PM

Only you could manage to make your mama's death ABOUT YOU! Is there any relationship you won't exploit for your own selfish use?

Posted by: Beth on March 4, 2005 04:43 PM

Beth, FUCK YOU!!!

I've seen some really low-life pieces of shit in my comments over the years, but you are the champion. You are one sick puppy.

No... that's not true. I've never seen a fucking dog as sick as YOU are.

Posted by: Acidman on March 4, 2005 05:03 PM

i just want you to know that the beth in that comment is NOT ME.

and that i sympathize with what you're going through. i would never kick someone when he's down like that other beth did.

try not to be too hard on quinton, though. he probably just doesn't understand, and he will regret it when he's older.

Posted by: beth on March 4, 2005 05:39 PM

My thoughts and prayers are with you for you and your mother and all who love her.

Black sheep or no, that good woman has had a son who loves her and loves her good and darn well.

Don't think for a minute she will pass without knowing that.

Posted by: Lark on March 4, 2005 05:57 PM

To the TROLL Beth, I will find you. I will track you down. No one on the internet is anonymous. I will show up at your front door and harm you. You have made a BIG mistake this time bitch (you're probably a man anyway) You will not survive this one whore.
I just hope you don't have any children.

Posted by: Beth Is dead on March 4, 2005 06:06 PM

You and your mama are in my thoughts.

Posted by: Pammy on March 4, 2005 06:14 PM

I'm certain sure you were a very good son. My dad is in a nursing home. I spent some time with him this evening which was beautiful. Us Mums don't expect our kids to be perfect - just doing OK is alright with us. Our bit is to love you to pieces - and if we do that right you will be right. My thoughts are with you.

Posted by: Nelly on March 4, 2005 06:17 PM

You and your mama are beginning a journey. Journeys are best launched with a heartfelt "bon voyage" to those who are on their way. That would be a special prayer in this case. One for each of you.

Posted by: Indigo on March 4, 2005 06:21 PM

You're a good son, Rob. Mothers have an incredible capacity to forgive their children for their faults.

And Beth, I truly hope that there is a special circle of hell reserved for people like you.

Posted by: Chablis on March 4, 2005 06:23 PM

I am so sorry to hear about your mother. I lost mine in '97 and yes, you go on living but it's never, ever the same. Not a day goes by that I don't wish I had just one more day with her. Now look what you've done! I'm boo hooing over your mama and you and me and mine AGAIN! Go sit by her bed at the hospice and hold her hand and she'll know you're there. It'll mean the world to her whether you think she knows you're there or not. You and your mama are in my prayers.

Posted by: Em's Mom on March 4, 2005 06:47 PM

Went through theself-same shit about a year ago. Nothing can compare to what you are going through now. BUT, we all gotta be strong and do what's right.
You did that.

God bless your Momma.

Posted by: Ralph Rattfuc on March 4, 2005 06:50 PM

Rob, You and your Mom are in my prayers. She is lucky to have you as her son.

Posted by: Robin on March 4, 2005 06:53 PM


If you need anything, just let me know. Just Damn!

Posted by: Dax Montana on March 4, 2005 07:06 PM

Hang in there Rob. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Posted by: The Spud King on March 4, 2005 07:29 PM

All my best to you and your family during what must be a very difficult time. Sending you best wishes and prayers.

Posted by: TJ on March 4, 2005 07:35 PM

All my best to you and your family during what must be a very difficult time. Sending you best wishes and prayers.

Posted by: TJ on March 4, 2005 07:36 PM

Read your post above about Beth before I came down here to read what the Bitch said to you.

Acid, it is always about US, it is always about

The tears we shed are for OURSELVES...I did it for myself when I lost my mom and my dad....they were released from the suffering of cancer.


The stupid bitch, Beth, meant no good...but in is all about the are a can do will be OK.

My dad's cancer took him to a place where I no longer recognized the body in the bed as the "daddy I loved" at the very end the tears were few.....About six months after his death a stupid new MORRIS THE CAT TV commerical came on and the thought flashed through my mind "I've gotta call dad...he loves these stupid Morris commercials and this one will blow him away."

REALITY HIT HARD.......I couldn't call him, he was gone, he wouldn't see this new commercial....I couldn't share it with him.


Damn, Acid....those are the moments when it will hit you....not at the very end...which you know is best for Mama....but later...during the mundane...

The unguarded moment when you least expect it.

We'll be fuck Beth...just reach out and touch somebody.

Posted by: Maggie on March 4, 2005 07:52 PM

Rob, if you're there, holding her hand and talking to her at a time like this, then I think she knows that she done good.

Posted by: ejh on March 4, 2005 08:12 PM

My dad was dead for two years before I stopped reaching for the phone in the middle of a football game to call and ask,

"Hey Pop! Did you see THAT?"

Posted by: Acidman on March 4, 2005 08:16 PM

yeah, yeah, yeah

Posted by: Beth on March 4, 2005 08:31 PM

Rob remember the Hardees your mom brought by she always was thinking of everyone and they sure were good that was a great couple of hours my love to you and dave talk to you later ga. and rick

Posted by: georgia on March 4, 2005 08:41 PM

You'll wish that your mama aborded your ass. I'll make your life a living hell. Give me 2 months. 2 months and I'll have your ass DEAD DEAD DEAD DEAD DEAD DEAD DEAD!! You and your family DEAD. You've done it in for yourself now and it's a shame you'll have to bring them all with you. DIE

Posted by: BETH IS DEAD on March 4, 2005 09:11 PM

Any person running a marathon at 50 and daming you could be my mother anytime. Maybe?

I don't know what happens at death, but it's never really over. Good luck to everyone!

Posted by: Ga-ne-sha on March 4, 2005 09:49 PM

Rob, words can't express the way I feel for what you are going through. No one can truly feel what you are feeling, it's personal to everyone, but please know that everyone that has been touched by you care about you and commiserate as best we can. If you ever need anything, I hope you know that we are all here for you.

And "Beth"? ESAD.

I won't threaten you with bodily injury, or wish on you the death of a close loved one.

I just can't understand people like you, but I feel that all we do returns to us, both good and bad, and when your bad will returns to you threefold, I hope you savor it, because you've certainly earned it, and pain like that is something to behold.

Posted by: delftsman3 on March 4, 2005 09:59 PM

Just remember:

Your mom, when she goes, will be letting go of her pain. Remember that, because you'll be able to let go of yours as well. It will take a while, but the comfort and love she showed you and yours will stay with you, even as she cannot.

My mom died eight-odd years ago. I still see her in my dreams. I sometimes wonder if it's her for real. And she looks good :) . She also still kicks my ass on occasion, which is also good. You never quit needing that.

Good luck with the next days and weeks. We'll be thinking of you out here.


Posted by: Captain Sunshine on March 4, 2005 10:32 PM

Okay, so good luck probably not the best choice of words, but that's 'cause I'm not entirely choerent. I apologize.

And Maggie's right - you'll be surprised just when you'll think of her, but that will help you remember, too. It helped me.

Again, we'll be thinking of you out here.


Posted by: Captain Sunshine on March 4, 2005 10:36 PM

I am sorry to hear what is going on. My thoughts are with you.

Posted by: James Old Guy on March 4, 2005 10:36 PM

My thoughts are with you and your mother.

I don't doubt she knows you're there with her, and just how much you love her.

Posted by: Samira on March 4, 2005 11:36 PM

I already know it is going to be tough for me when I lose my parents. Parents and grandparents are a kind of buffer between you and that doorway at the end of the long valley. When they finally step through, there's nothing standing between you and that final destination.

And it's ALWAYS about those left behind. Whatever one believes happens after death, the concerns of this world are no longer their concerns. It is left to us who remain to grieve their passing and mourn for our loss. And there's not a damn thing wrong with beginning that grieving process ahead of time when you can see it coming, especially if you can talk to the one you are about to lose about it.

If I was the one dying, I'd rather be doing what I could to help the people I was leaving cope with their impending loss. I would like to think that my passing will be, in the end, a triumph of sorts.

I feel your pain, Rob. Mama is the hardest one to lose.

Posted by: Desert Cat on March 4, 2005 11:43 PM


Put mine to rest 20 years ago and the memories still continue. Can't keep either of them out of my mind. Hope your mom makes a quick and quiet passage surrounded by loved ones.
I'll be thinking of you, Sam, and your mom.
Hang tough.

Posted by: Wichi Dude on March 4, 2005 11:45 PM

From "Cool Hand Luke"

Arletta: I always hoped to see you well fixed. Have me a crop of grandkids to fuss around with.

Luke: I'd like to oblige you, Arletta, but uh, right off, I just don't know where to put my hands on it.

Arletta: You know, sometimes, I wished people was like dogs, Luke. Comes a time, a day like, when the bitch just don't recognize the pups no more, so she don't have no hopes nor love to give her pain. She just don't give a damn...(She hands him the pack of cigarettes)

Luke: You've done your best, Arletta. What I've done - myself is the only problem.

Arletta: No, no it ain't Luke. You ain't alone. Everywhere you go, I'm with you. John too.

Luke: You never thought maybe that's a heavy load?

Arletta: Aw, why, we, we always thought you was strong enough to carry it. Was we wrong?

Luke: I don't know. There are things just never the way they seem, Arletta. You know that. A man's gotta go his own way.

Arletta: I guess I just gotta, gotta love you and let go, hmm?

Luke: I guess.

Arletta: Well, I ain't askin' what ya gonna do when you get out because I'll be dead and it don't matter.

Luke: You never did want to live forever. I mean, it wasn't such a hell of a life.

Arletta: Oh, I had me, I had me some high old times. Your old man, Luke. He wasn't much good for stickin' around, but dammit, he made me laugh.

Luke: Yeah, I would have liked to have knowed him, the way you talk about him.

Arletta: (after coughing) He'd have broke you up. Luke?...What went wrong?

Luke: Nothin', everything's cool as can be. Arletta, I tried. I mean, to live always free and above board like you. And, I don't know. I just can't seem to find no elbow room.

Arletta: (takes his hand) Oh now, you always had good jobs. And that girl in Kentucky. Oh, I'd taken a shine to her.

Luke: And she sure took off - with that convertible fella.

Arletta: Well, why not? Idea of marryin' got you all, all bollocksed-up. Tryin' to be respectable. You, you was borin' the hell out of all of us. I'm leavin' the place to John.

Luke: That's good. He earned it.

Arletta: Ain't nothin' to do with it. I just, I just never give John the, the kind of, you know, feelin' that I give you, so I'm, I'm gonna pay him back now. Oh, don't feel you have to say anythin'. The way it is, you see, sometimes you just, just have a feelin' for a child...with John, I just didn't.

As Luke is told his time is up for the visit, Arletta encourages him: "Laugh it up, kid. You'll, you'll make out."

Luke's nephew John, Jr. (Eddie Rosson) asks why his uncle doesn't have chains, and Luke answers with experience:

John, Jr.: Why can't you have chains?

Luke: ...You know, them chains ain't medals. You get 'em for makin' mistakes. And you make a bad enough mistake and then you gotta deal with the man - and he is one rough old boy. OK?

John, Sr. presents his brother with his last remaining possession - a banjo: "Now there ain't nothin' to come back for."

[The Tramp (Harry Dean Stanton) sings the religious song Just a Closer Walk With Thee on the front steps of the bunk house, accompanying himself by strumming a guitar.]

Posted by: Fido's Ass on March 5, 2005 12:16 AM

Acidman, hang in there...

Lost my Daddy a couple of years ago, and I'm not sure it was a
privilege or not, but I got to hold him when he went...
Come to think of it, it was a privilege...

Mom is still pretty well...but we both know what's

Somewhere's I've seen it said that you don't really grow up until
your folks pass on....

Naaaah....That's when you begin to feel you're old in life...

Posted by: Axeman on March 5, 2005 12:17 AM

*sigh* I feel so for ya right now. Went through this (as well as similar conversations) with my dad 2 summers ago. I was the black sheep too. *another sigh* I miss my dad.
I know it ain't much but small prayers of comfort for you and to your mama, for a peaceful passing for her.
p.s. The trolls I'm familiar with like to strike when we're down. Ignoring is a good way to bug them. :)

Posted by: Patti on March 5, 2005 05:46 AM

Thoughts and prayers from far off Australia, Rob.
May His perpetual light shine upon her.

Posted by: Henry Blowfly on March 5, 2005 07:20 AM

Rob -

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. My thoughts are with you.


Posted by: Ronda on March 5, 2005 07:30 AM

I'm a little late reading this, but I just wanted to tell you that I'm sorry. It's good that you had a special last moment with her. Maybe she did better with you than you think. I'm sure she believed so.

Posted by: Woody on March 5, 2005 09:34 AM

Hey it's just me, sending peaceful thoughts your way.....prayers for your a fellow blacksheep, I can really feel what you are way to honor your mom, live true to your heart........that's why she loves weed through all the bullshit and get to the heart of the matter..........only way to be if you ask me......

Posted by: Lori on March 5, 2005 12:19 PM

Be strong, brother. Let me know if I can help.

Posted by: Velociman on March 5, 2005 01:20 PM

My thoughts and best wishes are going out to you Rob. I know how hard this is, my mom passed on six years ago tomorrow. She had congestive heart failure, cancer, and emphasema. It took her two years of gasping for breath to leave this planet and her pain behind. The last words my Mom said before she lost conciousness for the last time was that she loved me.
It doesn't matter what you've done in your life to disappoint your Mama, she loves you and you're there
for her, and that means everything.

Posted by: Graumagus on March 5, 2005 03:43 PM

God bless you Rob. Your mother will soon be at peace. I lost my mother six years ago on March 14. We buried her on St. Patrick's Day. She had cancer, and went really fast, but we had time to say goodbye. It's really easier that way. My father died of a massive heart attack, and was already gone by the time I was called. That was much harder. Your son will come around. It won't be many more years before he's away from the bad influences that are affecting him right now. He'll find his way back to the right path. I'm praying for you all every day. And I'm praying about Beth. She should be ashamed, but I know she's not. You have to have a conscience for that.

Posted by: Denise on March 6, 2005 06:22 AM
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