Gut Rumbles
 

February 09, 2004

guys do things wimmen don't

Guys piss outdoors a lot. We're built with the right equipment and we like to air that thing out over a big fire-ant mound every now and then. It sure pisses the ants off.

Wimmen have feminine bathrooms where they all go to congregate in a gaggle as soon as they hit a restaurant. Guys shit side-by-side in the woods and share a roll of toilet paper.

Wimmen don't know a pissant from a sugar ant. Pissants are large, orange ants who dig small holes all over the place. They'll leave you alone if you leave them alone. Sugar ants operate in armies. They are small and black, but those bastards will form a marching line that reaches 100 yards if they find something they like to eat. You'll see one line going to fetch and one line returning with the goodies. I've seen thousands of them at work and they negotiate their routes better than drivers on Highway 21. They are not aggressive, but they are ravenous. If they make a trail into your house, you have to kill them all to get rid of them. I use Raid for a quick body-count, but 5% Borax works, too.

Fire ants are small and red and they build huge mounds populated by millions of ants. They are aggressive bastards and kill several people every year by biting them a billion times or so. I've been chewed more times than I can remember by the sneaky shits, and if you get a bunch on you all over at once, you'll roll on the ground like a dog trying to pass a peach seed. The bites hurt and they leave tiny, white blisters in their wake. Pop the blister and you still end up with a red welt that will itch for three days. Get about 50 on you at one time. You'll never forget fire ants again.

I use grits and Amdro to wipe out the mounds. Grits do kill them because the ants eat them dry, then drink water and swell up to explode. Amdro just moves the mound around. Put Amdro on a fire ant mound and the mound dies. Three other smaller ones pop up nearby. I spend every summer in a contest with my neighbor seeing who can run the most ants into the other person's yard. We usually battle to a tie.

"No see-em's" are sand gnats. They are nothing but flying teeth and they will eat you up given the opportunity. They are no bigger than a pinhead, but they swarm in droves and can drink their weight in blood. They live in the sand, then emerge when they feel the vibration of prey walking the soil.

DEET won't deter those fuckers. Avon's Skin So Soft is the only thing I've ever found that will keep those pests away. Avon sells a gang of that concoction every spring down here, and nobody uses it for anything but insect repellent.

What's the difference between a roach and a palmetto bug?

If your child were going to be bitten by a poisonious spider, would you rather it be a Brown Recluse or a Black Widow?

What poisionous snake bites more people every year than any other? (Good news: the victim almost never dies. But kill the snake and take it to the doctor anyway.)

How can you tell how old a rattlesnake is?

It's not a good idea to take a menstruating woman camping.

Speaking of camping, there is so such thing as having too much whiskey, too much firewood or too much toilet paper on a camping trip.

Comments

It's not a good idea to be a menstruating woman camping either. Bejus, I do not want to face that time of month without hot water.

Posted by: shell on February 9, 2004 04:17 PM

Women will let a child eat off their plate when a man will bark at em..a woman will drink after a 3yr old who has slobbered all over the rim of a glass when a man will won't. A woman will wipe the bathroom walls down after the man has come home drunk and pissed all over the damn place. A woman will wake up early to feed the kids after a night out when a man will sleep all day. A woman will knock you silly after calling her a bitch than dare you to hit her back. :)

Posted by: sandy on February 9, 2004 04:47 PM

You know what I heard the other day?
That you can be found guilty of a SEX offence for urinating in public...Apparently it's happened before...I'm not sure under what circumstance...

Posted by: Trease on February 9, 2004 04:58 PM

1 - Palmetto bugs are huge. And in Hawaii, the roaches FLY.

2 - Brown Recluse. Scarred is better than dead, in the worse case scenario.

3 - Snake? No clue. I'm going to guess something silly, like a rattlesnake.

4 - Count the number of rattles on it's tail.

5 - The blood smell attracts predators. Bad juju.

Posted by: Raging Dave on February 9, 2004 05:32 PM

1. Palmetto's are, as I've best heard them described, fucking flying roaches from hell. They are nasty, and anyone who's ever been to south florida has probably seen a few. They're one of the few bugs that makes me reach for a handgun instead of a newspaper.

2. Probably the Recluse, but both are nasty. However, neither bites will kill in the vast majority of cases, unless we're talking really young kids. Either way, all spider suck, and few survive an encounter with me.

3. Probably rattlers.

4. Count the rattles.

5. It's not a good idea to take a menstruating woman anywhere, or even be in relative proximity to one.

Posted by: Mr. Lion on February 9, 2004 06:38 PM

Parris Island "No See-um's"... I remember those bastards well...

Posted by: Eric on February 9, 2004 07:40 PM

if you don't have avon skin so soft handy, wd-40 works, too.

Posted by: Larry on February 9, 2004 10:16 PM

"What's the difference between a roach and a palmetto bug?" Palmetto bugs have their own public relations people, who dreamed up the name of "palmetto bug" as a euphism for its real name, the American cockroach. It sounds sooooo much better and more reassuring for the tourist, I guess, when they start screamin' "OHMYGAWD, there's a HUGE cockroach in my room" and the concierge says something calming like "relax, that's just a palmetto bug" and shoots it with a .22.

Palmetto bugs make GREAT pucks for field hockey on a polished hallway floor, each side armed with brooms, shooting it at the opposing team. Palmetto bugs really are more fun than those pansy little german cockroaches. You can play hockey with a palmetto bug for an hour and he'll still be in pretty good shape, most of his legs still attached and all, and occasionally running up the leg of one of the team members to the great consternation of the one being climbed.

Them no-see-ums do not bite, they actually dissolve your skin with an acid secretions. I reckon the skin-so-soft keeps the acid off your skin, so I imagine mineral oil and baby oil would work just as well (although I have never tried it). When we worked at places with high concentrations of those skin-dissolving bastards, I would spray myself down with skin-so-soft and offer the SSS to the guys, who told me that if they came home smelling all purty-like that their wives would hurt them a lot more than the no-see-ums. Yep. They were right.

Posted by: SwampWoman on February 10, 2004 12:18 AM

"Pissants are large, orange ants who dig small holes all over the place." Are you talkin' about those bright orange-red hairy-lookin' ant shaped critters that are actually wingless wasps? Those aren't pissants, they're bright orange-red hairy-lookin' ant shaped wingless wasps. Or are you talkin' 'bout the Florida harvester ant, also reddish, who has a nasty sting?

I always thought of pissants as the sugar ants, although I could be wrong.

Posted by: SwampWoman on February 10, 2004 12:31 AM

"How can you tell how old a rattlesnake is?" Well, it is a little hard to tell, but when they start to wearin' the bifocals and readin' glasses, they probably done hit 40. Those "lordy, lordy, look who's 40" giant ads in the community paper with the cute little picture of the egg are a dead giveaway, too.

Posted by: SwampWoman on February 10, 2004 01:07 AM

Let's talk for a minute about the "Pennsylvania Wood Roach". Smaller than a palmetto bug, but much bigger than the German cockroach, these things are native to eastern North America - and they swarm in the spring. I once had a nest of them in my fireplace flue. That first "romantic" fire of the season was - shall we say - interesting.

The good news is that they will usually stay outdoors. Bats love em.

Roy

Posted by: Roy Greenwell on February 10, 2004 09:54 AM

I once had a swarm of June Bugs get attracted to the light of a campfire and move on it. They didn't fly so well once their wings got crisped, but toasting marshmallows and suddenly having little flaming balls of seriously screwed up June Bugs landing all over you will ruin your evening.

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Assassination is the extreme form of censorship.

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