Gut Rumbles
 

February 08, 2004

the south

If you are going to live, or visit in the South, you need to know the rules. In an effort to help outsiders understand the rules of the Southerner's mind, the
following list will be handed to each person as they enter a Southern State.

1. That farm boy you see at the gas station did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.


2. It's called a "gravel road." No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Navigator. Drive it or get it out of the way.

3. The red dirt - it's called clay. Red clay. If you like the color don't wash your car for a couple weeks - it'll be permanent.

4. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.

5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little 13-inch trout you fish
for - bait.

7. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

8. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might want to ensure it's not up to your ear at the time.

9. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and
turkey.

10. Tea - yeah, we have tea. It comes in a glass over ice and is sweet. You want it hot - sit it in the sun. You want it unsweetened - add a lot of water.

11. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.

12. So you have a sixty thousand-dollar car. We're real impressed. We have a quarter of a million-dollar combine that we only use two weeks a year.

13. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.

14. We eat dinner together with our families. We pray before we eat (yeah, even breakfast). We go to church on Wednesdays and Sundays and we go to high school football games on Friday nights. We still address our seniors with "yes, sir" and "yes, ma'am," and we sometimes still take Sunday drives around town to see friends and neighbors.

15. We don't do "hurry up" well.

16. Greens - yeah, we have greens, but you don't put salt on them. You boil them with salty fatback, bacon or a ham hock.

17. Yeah, we eat catfish, bass, bream and carp. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.

18. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it? Interstate 65 goes two ways - Interstate 40 goes the other two. Pick one.

19. Grits are corn. You put butter, salt, and maybe even some pepper on them. If you want to put milk and sugar on them, then you want cream of wheat - go to Kansas. That would be I-40 West.

20. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season or dove season. Both are holidays. You can get pancakes, cane syrup, and sausage before daylight at
the church on either day.

21. So every person in every pickup waves? Yeah, it's called being friendly. Understand the concept?

22. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It spooks the fish and bothers the gators. and if you hit it in the rough, we have these things
called diamondbacks, and they're not baseball players.


23. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving like an idiot - his name is "Sir," no matter how young he is.

24. We have lots of pine trees. They have sap. It drips from them. You park your Navigator under them, and they'll leave a logo on your hood.

25. You burn an American flag in our state, you get beat up. No questions. The liberal contingent of our state legislature - all four of them enacted a measure
to stop this. There is now a $2.50 fine for beating up the flag burner. Just pass a hat and the fine is collected, with some money left over for the church

(Thanks to Joanne Griffin for the link)

I like publishing these Southernisms I get in my email because I believe that I live in one of the most unique areas of the country. We have out own language, our own pace of life and our own scale of measurments that don't apply anywhere else in the country.

"Got-Dam! It's colder'n a well-digger's ass out here today. Let's just say "fuck this" and go drink some beer. We got a lot more than a cunt-hair to go to finish that well. It'll still be waiting tomorrow. Let's go see Henry and see if he wants to get drunk."

"Henry always wants to get drunk."

"Then that's a damn fine reason to go visit. Hop in the truck, pissant."

That's how we don't finish the well and end up drunk at Henry's that day.

Comments

[ care to close your italics tag ?? ]

Most of those rules really ought to apply all over.

Posted by: MommaBear on February 8, 2004 09:58 AM

Public service announcement: We have farms (and hence farmers) up north too. Hunting? Oh yeah, got that as well. We grow our food on what are called FIELDS, and hunt in what are known as the WOODS.

And as far as yoots with pants hangin' halfway down their ass-cracks? Seen them everywhere from Brownsville to Lafayette to Boston to Vancouver.

Posted by: dragonfly jenny on February 8, 2004 01:28 PM

There we are. Slightly modified to fit my state.

Posted by: Raging Dave on February 8, 2004 03:43 PM

I love the South. Really, being proud of how intolerant and bass-ackwards you are, that's great.

12. So you have a sixty thousand-dollar car. We're real impressed. We have a quarter of a million-dollar combine that we only use two weeks a year.

...and a lock on the idiotic farm subsidies that keep you inefficiently producing farm goods. Afraid of a little competition, are we?


15. We don't do "hurry up" well.

That's part of the reason why you're the poor part of the country.


19. Grits are corn. You put butter, salt, and maybe even some pepper on them. If you want to put milk and sugar on them, then you want cream of wheat - go to Kansas. That would be I-40 West.

They're not called grits. They're called polenta. They were eating polenta in Italy long before some Southron got it in his head that the South had invented them. You eat them with whatever you like on them. Gravy, jam, honey, molasses, doesn't matter.


23. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving like an idiot - his name is "Sir," no matter how young he is.

And if you're black, you might as well surrender, cause he's gonna beat you if you don't kiss his ass.

Posted by: inTheJungle on February 8, 2004 05:26 PM

In the jungle needs to stay there. Little chip on the shoulder there, asscrack?

Posted by: Acidman on February 8, 2004 08:59 PM

"They're not called grits. They're called polenta. They were eating polenta in Italy long before some Southron got it in his head that the South had invented them."

Man, jungle-head, you are one stupid shithead. The Indians (you may know them in your part of the country as "Native Americans") were growing corn and making grits (gee, no, they weren't called "grits" because that's an English word, buttmunch) before that Columbus dude had even sailed his dinghy over here. Corn is a native plant of the Americas; before corn was brought back from this side of the world to Europe polenta was made with ground-up beans.

And corn ground up for polenta isn't treated the same as corn ground up for grits. Polenta is just made of ground-up dried corn. Grits is actually made of ground, dried hominy, which is corn that has been bleached in lye.

Man, I love it when some moron tries to lecture on a subject he knows jackshit about.

Posted by: Andrea Harris on February 9, 2004 12:24 AM

I'm from Georgia and we eat our "grits" with Red Eye Gravy on 'em.
The Highway Patrolman very well could be a black guy, only problem you'll have is if you're license tag is from a northern state.
IntheJungle..my granny would tell you that, "you know a little bit about everything and a whole lot about nothing", my pop would have said, "you ain't the sharpest peanut in the turd"

Posted by: sandy on February 9, 2004 04:30 AM

"you ain't the sharpest peanut in the turd"

Sorry, I have to go and put on clean underwear now.

Goddamn bladder.

Posted by: Kim du Toit on February 9, 2004 11:56 AM

Nice rules. But here's a question - which is the best southern state for a Yankee to move to (yeah, I know, "none, so keep your Goddam northern ass above the Mason-Dixon line!")? I'm sick to death of these New England winters and want to go south. I don't want to go to Florida. My wife doesn't want to go to Louisiana. I'm thinking South Carolina.

Any suggestions?

Posted by: Ripper on February 9, 2004 03:51 PM

Move West - less humidity. AZ, NM, TX are all nice.

Posted by: Raging Dave on February 9, 2004 05:35 PM

Oklahoma ain't a bad place either. My dad's combine isn't worth $60k but I think a couple of his tractors are. Another thought for breakfast, sausage gravy over home made biscuits, ah heaven...And donít cuss and shake your fist when you pass a tractor, I, err, they, err, well the tractor, yea thatís the ticket, might just use the front end loader to put you in the ditch. From what Iíve heard, uh just heardÖ, itís even easy to do it a HummerÖwith little damage to the bucket, just what Iíve heard.

Posted by: Hujonwi on February 10, 2004 04:33 AM

"Man, jungle-head, you are one stupid shithead. The Indians (you may know them in your part of the country as "Native Americans") were growing corn and making grits (gee, no, they weren't called "grits" because that's an English word, buttmunch) before that Columbus dude had even sailed his dinghy over here. Corn is a native plant of the Americas; before corn was brought back from this side of the world to Europe polenta was made with ground-up beans."

You're an idiot. "Corn grits" are made out of corn. "Hominy grits" are made out of hominy. Go to www.grits.com. You can go get me a cup of coffee now.

Native Americans were eating corn grits before Southrons. Italitans were eating polenta before Southrons. That makes you third. You didn't invent them.


"And corn ground up for polenta isn't treated the same as corn ground up for grits. Polenta is just made of ground-up dried corn. Grits is actually made of ground, dried hominy, which is corn that has been bleached in lye."

See above. I like my coffee regular, which for us up here means cream and sugar.

"Man, I love it when some moron tries to lecture on a subject he knows jackshit about."

Yup.

Posted by: inTheJungle on February 11, 2004 08:11 AM

"The Highway Patrolman very well could be a black guy, only problem you'll have is if you're license tag is from a northern state."

Great, once again, you're proud of your bass-ackwards corruption. Now, tell me again why you're all still the poor part of the country, and why you're being bred out by Yankees moving south?

Posted by: inTheJungle on February 11, 2004 08:12 AM

Inertia is not limited to matter.

Posted by: Combs Charles on May 2, 2004 07:05 PM

Genius hath electric power which earth can never tame.

Posted by: Scheller Nicole on May 3, 2004 06:13 AM

I do not fear computers. I fear lack of them.

Posted by: Blum David on May 20, 2004 03:02 PM
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