Gut Rumbles
 

January 22, 2004

why i don't like cats

1) They have the loyalty of sewer rats They don't want you. They want what they can TAKE from you.

2) Buy a cat a really nice scratcihng oost

3). The cat will take one look at the post and go claw your sofa to shreds.

4) Give a cat a litter box. The males will spray some of the most raw, foul, gut-bustinkimg vat funk you can imagnine.all over the house. The femles climb up and shit in the potted plants.

5) Cats kill birds for no good reason. Just to be killing.

6) Cats crawl up on your chest at Night and try to suck the soul right out out of your bodywhile you sleep. Goddam vampires.

And that's why I hate cats,


Comments

Your description of cats sounds like the personality of my ex-wife. Of course, that's why she's my EX-wife...

Posted by: Jack on January 22, 2004 06:18 PM

I own one of those female jerks who prefers my husband (her boyfriend), while she sneers at me in her cheap little fur coat with a look of "Why do you continue to come back here when we don't want you?" ... She should watch out... one of these days, I'll run out of chicken and she will make the best "chicken" fettucine alfredo I've ever had!

"Remember, dogs have owners, but cats have staff"

Posted by: Queenoftheland on January 22, 2004 06:29 PM

They're not all bad. Pretty good with teriyaki sauce, in fact.

Posted by: The Other Mike S. on January 22, 2004 06:30 PM

Cat dander does nasty things to my body's cell structure. Otherwise, I'm very allergic to cats, and some other animals, even dogs. I thought about getting a bird, one I could teach to talk, but found out that there is at least one kind that also has a dander that people are allergic to. I really like the pictures of that bird, too. And it's one who makes a good pet.

Then I fed, watered, and cleaned-up for two dogs, one cat, and one parrot for two weeks at the home of a couple who are good friends. That's what friends are for, after all.

That parrot was the messiest of all the animals to clean up after. He and I didn't get along, probably because his "mother" wasn't paying him the attention he was used to. He was definitely in a snit, and let me know he didn't like me. I vacuumed thrown sunflower seed shells and other stuff from his feed in a semi-circle of at least a 6-foot radius. And the bottom of his cage was messier than a mess. I think I cleaned up shit that my friend hadn't before she left.

So much for pets. At least I don't have to ask "good friends" to take care of them while I'm away from home. I'm just the "friend" who will live on anti-histamines to keep a neighbor's indoor dog for three weeks and take it on the necessary walks on a leash at ungodly hours. I have a young nephew who likes to visit me, just to go see "my" dog!

Posted by: Ms Anna on January 22, 2004 06:51 PM

Cats, or any other animal, do not kill just for the sake of killing. Humans are the only animals that do that.

A little hint for you cat haters - if you want to keep a cat AWAY from you, do NOT sneer or squint your eyes at it.
While dogs do see the squint/sneer as a sign of aggression/a threat/whatever, *cats* see the squint as a sign of acceptance or affection and will approach you.
Acidman is RIGHT about the little buggers waiting until you sleep to climb on your chest and steal your soul, however.

Posted by: Greg on January 22, 2004 07:33 PM

Welcome home.... You crack me up!

Posted by: becky on January 22, 2004 08:11 PM

I agree with you about cats for the most part but..
When I was a kid we lived next door to a farm. There where a couple of farm cats (both tabbys) that frequently came over to see us. They seemed to genuinely like to be around you and they always showed appreciation for a bowl of milk. But then again they're the exception when it comes to cats.

Posted by: toddk on January 22, 2004 08:20 PM

They have the loyalty of sewer rats.... They don't want you. They want what they can TAKE from you.... [] kill birds for no good reason. Just to be killing... [] crawl up on your chest at Night and try to suck the soul right out out of your bodywhile you sleep....

Gee, for a minute there, Rob, I thought you were describing MEN! ;-P

Neutered cats don't spray that funky spray you are referring to, just so you know.

Posted by: Joni on January 22, 2004 08:21 PM

I had a boyhood companion that was a nasty bastard. He took a cat by the tail, shoved the small neck of a tabasco sauce bottle up the cat's ass and gave it a few good shakes. He then let the cat go, and watched it drag it's ass down the road, stopping every once in a while to spin in small circles. That cat made some strange noises also........I almost peed myself.
Of course now that I have matured, I deplore
such purile, psycopathic, pin-headed behavior.
And Greg, I've seen cats kill birds and mice; they take their time, letting the poor victim think it can escape, bat it around some, just look at it for long moments, only to finally bite it to death and walk away with that I'm so bitchen look, having not even eaten the poor bastich. Pahh, Zut Alors!

Posted by: wes jackson on January 22, 2004 08:54 PM

At least you can teach a rat to hit the lever for a cocaine pellet. I can't teach my kids' cats to hang their asses INSIDE the litter box. They climb inside and hang their hides OUTSIDE the box. Outside the box. Hmm. Maybe they're just reincarnated consultants.

Posted by: Velociman on January 22, 2004 09:14 PM

If they sent you a bill for the bowel movement, then they would be consultants.

Posted by: Robin Roberts on January 22, 2004 09:38 PM

So why are ugly wimmen called "dogs"? Jest wonderin'.

(I personally prefer my wimmen cat-like. Dog-like wimmen I find utterly uninterestin'.)

Posted by: Tonto on January 22, 2004 10:21 PM

They're good for throwin' kickin' and flickin'

Posted by: bj on January 22, 2004 10:38 PM

Well, gee, all I can add to that is this:

Cats have staff.

They don't care about us. You are there to feed and pet them (when they feel like it, of course) and that's that.

I say that as an owner of 2 cats. One of which I am on his own personal staff...he's meowing right now.

But I should mention, he shuts up once he's upon my lap, seeing what kind of trouble I'm up too.

Guess I should confess. I like cats better than dogs.

Sorry, A-Man.

BTW, glad to see your pic instead of that fucked-up pic that took your place. I mean, what the hell?

That pic was TERRIBLE.

Yours is much better.

Posted by: Gina on January 22, 2004 11:30 PM

CAT- The other white meat.

Posted by: iamayar on January 22, 2004 11:57 PM

In the interests of Unfair and Unbalanced reporting, I have taken the this subject under consideration, at length, over on my puny blog.

Jim
Sloop New Dawn
Galveston, TX

Posted by: Jim on January 23, 2004 12:39 AM

Dogs can understand over 300 spoken commands.
Cats CHOOSE to LISTEN to 30.

Posted by: Greg on January 23, 2004 02:33 AM

Why is it the first thing a bunch of cat o files
rush to discuss is dealing with feces?(jim's link) And some ass eyed fool thinks it's cool to wash cat @#&%$ into a waterway! Can't wait to swim around that foul barge!
They're all fixated on the GootDamn catbox!
Where is the hot sauce when you need it?
Dicustamundo...........Totally!

Posted by: wes jackson on January 23, 2004 03:06 AM

Acidman: Ever heard of skeet-kitty?
Cats that come into our yard hunt & eat what they kill. Cats are useful for control of the chipmunk population. That's IT!
Great to have you back.

Posted by: John on January 23, 2004 04:56 AM

Wanna see a cat freak out show? Put masking tape on all four paw pads then tie a helium balloon to their tail. Double the fun if you have hardwood or linoleum floors. ;-)

Posted by: Mike on January 23, 2004 09:24 AM

Just wait a second! Some cats suck, but some cats are cool and deserve nay DEMAND your respect.

There are plenty of humans that ruin furniture, poop in inappropriate places and suck the souls out of other humans, but we don't make blanket statements about the human race based on these outliers. I happen to own a cat that plays well with the kids, has never placed a single claw on my sofa, plays catch and guards the house. His name is Cappuccino and he could kick the crap out of all you cat-haters!!!

sewer rats...HOW DARE YOU!!!

Posted by: D on January 23, 2004 10:32 AM

THE ORIGIN OF PETS

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?"

Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.

And it was a good animal.

And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.

And they were comforted.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."

And God said, "No problem! I will create for them a companion who will be with them forever and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was happy.

And Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other.

Posted by: Sherry on January 23, 2004 10:58 AM

Is this how you really feel about cats? You may have more in common with Howeird Dean then you think

http://www.rightwingnews.com/archives/week_2004_01_18.PHP#001700

Posted by: Bryan on January 23, 2004 11:17 AM

Cats are a necessity. If we didnt have them, how would they make Special Fried Rice?

Posted by: Val Prieto on January 23, 2004 11:49 AM

Considering your latest bout of kitty terrorism, your gonna love a link off of Allah's post today....

http://www.allahpundit.com/archives/000231.html

Posted by: MojoMark on January 23, 2004 01:13 PM

#1 - My favorite cat (after a 3 year absence) came home the day my old dog (and her best friend) got sick and died. She stayed with him all day, loving on him, licking him and purring trying to make him feel better. He loved her and returned her affection even though he was clearly not going to make it. After he died, and I burried him, she rubbed my leg, gave me a purr, jumped over the fence and was gone out of my life. I think she was pretty damn loyal to him.

#2 Never been stupid enough to buy a cat a scrataching post.

#3 Have squirt gun, can stop any cat from bad behavior. (Plus it's a lot of fun)

#4 Dogs and Cats should eliminate OUTSIDE. For spraying issues - see squirt gun comment.

#5 My cats kill birds to eat them. They kill (and eat) rats, gophers and lizzards too. Good kitties!!!!

#6 My dog sleeps at the head of the bed. The cats sleep at the foot. Never, in 46 years of this arrangement, has any cat ever tried to "suck the soul right out out of your (my) bodywhile you sleep."

And, since you don't believe in God what makes you think you have a soul to be sucked anyhow???

Posted by: Cinders on January 23, 2004 01:15 PM

Greg says: Cats, or any other animal, do not kill just for the sake of killing. Humans are the only animals that do that.

And I say bullshit (with a chuckle of course). I've seen twenty head of sheep killed by a pack of domestic dogs for no reason other than it was fun. I can't begin to tell you how many times I've seen a dog kill a chicken just to kill it; no eating, no burying it, just kill it. I know of cattle ranchers who have lost several calvs to a single mountain lion. One kill dragged off, partially eaten and then buried and the rest just killed.

Posted by: Lobowalk on January 23, 2004 01:30 PM

This might make you feel better, and get you to vote for Dean, all in one fell swoop.....


http://madmikey.blogspot.com/2004_01_01_madmikey_archive.html#107488299547712605

Posted by: The Other Mike S. on January 23, 2004 02:13 PM

Cats provide the perfect justification for the new .17HMR cartridge.

Posted by: Ogre on January 23, 2004 02:44 PM

You gonna write today, or shall I?

Nobody gonna pick on the man for his drug-induced typos?

Stop wallowing, man.

I hope that a weekend with Quinton puts things in perspective for you.

Posted by: Key on January 23, 2004 04:41 PM

The reason attractive wimmen are called "foxes" is that the fox is the most feline of the canines.

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Elvis has left the building.

Posted by: Joan of Argghh! on January 23, 2004 10:29 PM

Jeez I rather have the cat bombs than the Dean sleeze...

Posted by: Sherry on January 23, 2004 11:57 PM

Sounds like a few chicks I've dated. *SHIVER*

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