November 14, 2003

obligations

I consider myself to be a selfish man. I am a baby-boomer and my generation was taught long ago that the sun pretty well rises and sets right square in our own ass-cracks. We tend to behave that way. Bill Clinton is probably the perfect example of the narcissistic, self-absorbed attitude inculcated in my generation.

I started thinking today about how many things I've done in my life that I did from a sense of obligation or a sense of duty. I concluded that I may not be as selfish as I believe that I am.

I've done a lot in my life simply because I was convinced at the time that it was MY JOB to do it. I had others depending on me. I couldn't (or at least WOULDN'T) let them down. Maybe I learned to think that way on the football field or maybe my parents drilled those lessons into my head when I was growing up. Either way, they stuck with me.

I believe that selfishness is a virtue, when applied correctly in your life. The "meek" may inherit the earth, but they won't keep it long before the strong take it away from them. My dad always said, "There are two kinds of people in this world: Wolves and Sheep. And I ain't raising you to go 'baaa-baaa' through your life."

He accomplished that goal.

A certain person told me recently, "Rob, you have an ego a mile wide." She didn't mean it as an insult and I damned sure don't deny that fact. My philosophy is, if you can't believe in yourself, how the hell can you EVER convince anyone else to believe in you?

I've tempered a lot of that "hooray for ME and fuck YOU" attitude so typical of boomers with many things I've done in my life because other people depended on me at the time. I didn't always WANT to do those things, but I felt obligated to perform. I did, and I was proud of the results.

Today, I have very few obligations. I don't have to do a damn thing I don't want to do. In some ways, I have achieved the ultimate in boomer freedom, to be as selfish as I want to be.

That idea is beginning to scare the shit out of me. I believe that I may need a little obligation to keep my ass in line.