November 03, 2003
wanting what you can't have
I'll be totally honest here and tell you that I still love my bloodless cunt of an ex-wife. I'll love her until the day I die. I don't own the kind of magic slate that she does to erase memories as if they never happened. I was head-over-heels in love with her and I believed that she was my best friend in the world.
I could never live with her again, because she wasn't content to simply knife me in the back. She had to twist the blade 360 degrees and rub salt in the wound, too. That's her style and she'll go far in the corporate world with that kind of attitude.
I still want her, but I can't have her.
What I fear most in life now is discovering someone else that I want, but I can't have. I don't want to hang my ass out in abandon to have the stump-grinder tear it up again. That shit hurts. So, I have a couple of "fuck buddies" who lay me from time to time and I live alone. I don't commit to anyone and I play everything safe. I keep my ass out of the stump-grinder.
But I miss being in love.
I miss having someone to talk with at night and to snuggle with in the sheets. I miss having someone who trusts me to be strong when I let her know about my fears ahead of time, because I can speak of those fears to her (only her), and I miss having someone who is proud of me when I overcome those fears and succeed. I miss cooking supper for my family. I miss looking up from the book I'm reading or the article I'm writing just to see HER across the room and feel my heart swell just from the sight of her.
I'll probably never know that feeling again. I had it once. But it hurt so goddam bad to lose it that I don't believe I'll ever hazard putting myself in that situation again. I am a gambler, but that's a bet not worth the risk.
Besides, the good ones are already taken.
There are those in the world who are married and wish they were single and free again, and those who want to be with some one. The trick is to enjoy what you actually have. I gather by what you write that, as a romantic, you are in love with love, or the idea of love. It would be different if there were someone specific whom you wanted to be with, an actual person you can assign that desire and longing to....without that specific person you are longing for an abstract concept, or - the "idea of a person".
My experience shows that love is so intense and requires committments in ways you would never suspect until you find yourself there, that it is simply not worth it UNLESS you meet someone specific that feels for you the same thing. Then your longing has a reality in the form of a real person. Before I met Heather I was resigned to being alone my entire life, and happily so. I learned to enjoy myself so much, and got so into just being me - free to take off on any adventure at any time without explaining to anyone, that I just couldnt be bothered with thoughts of a committment. But when I met Heather, and everything took off with a life of its own, I decided that I wanted to be with her, and we are best friends. I can say that without her I would never want to commit to anyone again, because I have met no one else I would want to do it with. My point within this ramble is that "love" only makes sense with a specific real person to love. It makes no sense as an idea or abstract longing for a "somebody". Enjoy what you have to the fullest. Of course, I have been where you are as well, and intellectualized myself away from it; this does not render the point invalid, tho.
About 2 years ago my wife and I almost called it quits, she filed divorce on me, lied to the police about her fearing for her life to have them kick me out on my ass, and at the time I felt like she was evil incarnate. After reading your accounts of the hell you went through, and others of a similar vein, even if we would have finalized the deal I would have been getting off light. Luckily we decided to go to counseling, realized how damnned immature we were both being, and now our marriage is stronger than it was before. (and we have a second child) We still have problems from time to time, but that $5000 we spent in legal fees to NOT end up divorced is the best 5 grand I ever spent.
I really hope love ambushes you and it's returned in kind. Just not so much that nothing pisses you off anymore, the blog would get kind of boring being flowers and sunshine all the time and no bitching :)
What, she did you too? I thought I was the only one left bleeding.
...or maybe there's two of 'em...
All the good ones aren't taken. I'm worthy of being included in that category. I've just been lucky to not repeat my first mistaken marriage.
But, I'm still looking for the love of my life. A best friend, a best companion, and a best in the tangled sheets.
I have LOVED ferosiously my entire life and never the one who COULD reciprocate my passion. We all have those fears of meeting someone we can't have, especially now in our middle age.I'm waiting for that unceasing energy to arrive and it has to be connected to the MIND. We never stop loving those we shared our lives with especially if we share a child. I think it's a good thing you still love your X, she is the Mother of the most precious thing in your life.I have to remind myself that there is someone out there for everyone and soon it will be my season and I'll share the changing of those seasons cuddling and as you say and feel my heart swell when I look up and get that loving glance or hear that song written just for me.. I think I'll know at the first glance. I've been a hopeless romantic my entire life and love many people in different ways."Fucking Buddies" are beginning to make me feel really unfulfilled. I'm ready for that ultimate love with body, soul, and mind.I too am a gambler and hope the next time I don't have to rationalize "Well that wasn't meant to be". I am reminded by James Allen "As a Man Thinketh" You are what you think . Keep thinking that you are going to meet that LOVE that will take you to a level of LOVE that you've both never known and will last a lifetime. I want to grow old and sit on the front porch in a rocking chair feeling a gentle breeze of each season with my future lover, companion,SOULMATE. "He's there somewhere out there, beneath the pale MOONLIGHT "
My first wife and I were both very bitter for years after our divorce, in 1975. In the last 10 years or so, we have reconciled our differences and become friends. Who was hurt by my bitterness? Only me.
My second wife treated me like a king 98% of the time. The other 2%? I deserved worse than she gave me. She loved me through some really bad shit the last 10 years of my drinking. We had a wonderful relationship the last 10ish years of her life. When she died, unexpectedly, in December '99, I was a total mess for months and months. I never expected to find love again, so I didn't go looking for it.
When I reentered society, I was one horny mf. Without knocking their, um, sexual prowess, I say fuck buddies are the pits compared to loving sex. Nothing compares to loving sex. Dinner/movie/Biloxi dates were okay for fun and friendship. Then, a friend introduced me to a widowed friend of hers. I fell hard and fast. Took her a while longer. We got married 6 weeks ago. We have permanent custody of 3 beautiful granddaughters, two of which we are in the process of adopting, ages 14, 5 and 6 months. Here I am, at age 63, happier than a pig in shit!!!! You just never know where or when it's going to hit you.
Sounds like a common thread here.
My ex and I were married by a judge. Looking back, I should have asked for a jury.
That said, Rob.... maybe you'll start an online dating service for bitter, opinionated, gun-shy, oversexed middle aged old farts of all ages.
You'll be rich in no time. *evil grin*
In all seriousness though, I think those of us with 4th degree burn scars on our hearts maybe have some advantages. We may be harder to reach, due to that overwhelming sense of self-preservation.
But when we ARE reached, it's good, it's real, and we fuckin' A well KNOW WHAT IT IS.
Scares the shit outta me, still. But call me a fool, I'd still rather un-single. Just this time, I will NOT compromise, settle or just "go along".
Ain't life grand?
Sloop New Dawn
Jim... sounds like you are seasoned with the wisdom of Jonathan Livingston's Seagull down there on the gulf. I agree with your comments about Acidman. He is one of a kind. I've finally accepted my singleness and middle-age with GRACE and a whole lot of it.
I'm more like the Velveteen Rabbit.
Forgive me for paraphrasing JLSeagull: If you're depending on someone else for your happiness, you're doomed to be unhappy in the end.
Welcome back Acidman!
I often wonder if your ex-wife reads your blog?
Excuse me, Rob, I resent that last comment - I am free and single and certainly count myself among the good ones.
It never fails to surprise me when a man opens up to reveal the genuine, sensitive, romantic side of himself. Especially if he is a man who hasn't been 'pussified'. Sometimes I forget that men get hurt too. Most of them men in my life have been the ones causing the hurt, and I suppose that skewers my view of men in general. My heart has been broken more than once, by the same man, yet I never had the courage to just leave. Now, I live in a loveless marriage, with someone that I haven't been 'in love' with for years. We share a house, children, and the things that married people share. But we have separate bedrooms, and separate lives. I stay because after suffering a stroke, he needs me. He went from being a healthy normal man of 48 to being a disabled, shell of the man I knew at 49. I made a commitment, I will honor it. Funny, none of those women who found him so attractive and wanted him before, want him now.
I often have dreams of being in love again.
You know what I miss the most? The kisses. Those soft sweet feathery kisses, the long deep passionate kisses. The kisses that said I love you and the ones that said I need you , and the ones that said I want you NOW. I think I miss the kisses most of all.
I hope you find someone who can share the things you talked about. But if not, just know that while you may not be in a relationship, you are not alone. And that one can be alone and not be lonely.
Damn! Not ALL the good ones........
Thanks everyone. It appears that I'm staring at the long end of a painful breakup, and ya'll are making that pill a little easier to swallow.
Oh man, your post makes me want to cry, and I hate crying.
When I realized I could hurt my husband, cause I held his heart in my hand, that's the day I grew up, and realized how much he loved me to give me that kind of power. and he is NOT a pussy, no way I walk all over him.
It's a pity the BC didn't figure that out.
Hope it happens agina
Perhaps I feel the way I do about love because I am fortunate (thus far) not to have lost the one I love and have always loved.
But if someone hurt me that deeply, I do feel that out of a sense of self preservation, I could grow to dislike that person intensely, and fall out of love with them.
I sure hope I never have to find out. My mother always said that you only ever have one True Love in life. I wonder if that's so. Perhaps that is the reason you are inexplicably still in love with her.
Hopefully, however, this does not mean that you won't fall in love (or at least in Deep Like) again. I sure hope not anyway!
I have been away from the computer for awhile and it was nice to come here this evening and see so much to read and think about. Almost as good as gnawing on a big old Porterhouse after a fast!
With all due regard, you need to give up the memories of the BC. I had one of those once and what I learned from it was that you can never, ever again trust anyone who would be so stone-cold willing to destroy you. Your own intelligence and self-preservation instinct won't let you. There are a hell of a lot of good women out there--at your age considerably more than the number of good men. What you learned from the BC was a tough lesson but one you won't ever make again because you'll know what to look out for. You paid a damned expensive tuition for it. Use that knowledge to fashion a truly sound relationship in the future. Good luck!