Gut Rumbles

October 17, 2003

mistakes you learn from

I was twelve years old and playing in the woods with my friends. All of a sudden, I really needed to take a dump. I thought about it. I wasn't going to run through the trees, mount my bicycle and ride two miles back to my house. I probably would have shit my pants before I made it all the way home. I decided to shit right where I was.

I did well, bucked up against a pine tree and keeping the crap off my bare feet. But I made a horrible mistake once my business was finished. I wiped my young ass with a handfull of SPANISH MOSS.

For those unfamiliar with Spanish Moss, it's that gray, beard-looking fungus that hangs from live oaks all over Savannah. It makes good asswipe except for one small problem. Every goddam redbug and chigger in southeast Georgia LOVES to make a home in Spanish Moss. The only thing they like better is climbing out of that moss to infest a 12 year-old boy's ass.

Did you ever watch a dog drag his ass over the carpet, doing that scratch-ass thing that dogs do? You should have seen ME for the next two weeks after the moss incident. Bejus! I thought I was gonna die. I had more chiggers per square inch around my privates than you could count.

I've never wiped my ass again with Spanish Moss after that day.


Been there. Spanish moss is just so PERFECT for the task at hand, you'd think. It's leaves after that.

Posted by: Velociman on October 17, 2003 06:32 PM

This warning tale is a million times more important than nanny state lies about secondhand smoke. Well done.

Posted by: Horse with no-- on October 17, 2003 08:22 PM

You're supposed to pull it out of a tree for that! The stuff on the ground and in the palmettos has the damn chiggers.

The dead black stuff is great tinder for starting a fire though, when its dry.


Posted by: David on October 17, 2003 08:51 PM

1) If A-Man shits in the forest and there is no Spanish Moss to wipe his ass, does the smell still make your eyes water?

2) If a rolling stone gathers no moss, why does a gut rumbling shit in the woods gather bugs up A-Man's ass?

Posted by: BJK on October 17, 2003 08:56 PM

i once dated a guy who confessed to wiping his ass with poison sumac at boy scout camp once.

I nearly died.

Posted by: pril on October 17, 2003 11:09 PM

Boy Scout Camp, chigger bite on the end of my penis, before I get home bite becomes infected, after I finaly get home I have to display the damn thing to my parents. It kinda looked like a miniture red Liberty Bell.
The doctor grinned but at least he didn't laugh his ass off.

Posted by: toad on October 18, 2003 01:28 AM

I had a similar experience, long ago. We had a flat tire deep in rural alabama, and the wheel apparently hadn't been off of that hub since the trailer had been made. There was no AC in the car, so Dad let us out of the car to sit on the shoulder.

I got a crotchful of chiggers. Armpits too, the little bastards.

For two weeks I was the sorriest 11-year-old you've ever seen.


Posted by: Lamont Cranston on October 18, 2003 02:23 AM

I like your work. Always an entertaining and informative blog. One question though, what exactly are chiggers?

Posted by: Grinder on October 18, 2003 04:49 AM

You don't want to know, Grinder.

Posted by: Acidman on October 18, 2003 07:11 AM


Charming, no?

Still haven't figured out that "information superhighway" thing, have you?

Posted by: asm on October 18, 2003 08:58 AM

Ahh, you damned ignant Southern boys...

One of the first things my Northern pop taught me was to never wipe my ass with any vegitation. Socks and underwear are much better suited for that task.

Posted by: RightIsRight on October 18, 2003 09:50 AM


The page that ASM linked to describes chiggers differently than you do.

"Chigger larvae do not burrow into the skin, nor suck blood. They pierce the skin and inject into the host a salivary secretion containing powerful, digestive enzymes that break down skin cells that are ingested (tissues become liquefied and sucked up). Also, this digestive fluid causes surrounding tissues to harden, forming a straw-like feeding tube of hardened flesh (stylostome) from which further, partially-digested skin cells may be sucked out."

I think that the nail polishes traps the chigger where it was, killing it. It also seals over the stylostome, preventing infection, and helping the spot to heal quicker.

But then what do I know, I'm just a California boy that's never meet a chigger. :)


Posted by: Byna on October 18, 2003 11:27 AM

I don't care how a chigger operates in scientific terms. The fuckers will get on your privates and itch like hell.

That's all you need to know about chiggers.

Posted by: Acidman on October 18, 2003 12:34 PM

We don't have Spanish Moss in the Ozarks, but I have tried leaves. They're pretty scratchy.Always kept a bottle of clear nail polish around too.

Posted by: Rapunzel on October 18, 2003 07:47 PM

holy jesus is that all ever so disgusting

Posted by: tim on October 18, 2003 07:58 PM

Might it not be more politically correct to refer to "chiggers" as "chigroes?" Jusy sayin'.

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