Gut Rumbles
 

September 26, 2003

I am shocked

For once in my life, I find myself in total agreement with sugarmama. I don't like Sam's Club.

I shop at the Super Wal-Mart in Rincon all the time. The place is nice and clean, it has almost everything I want and the "associates" are very friendly. Plus, if I go there often enough, I'll eventually meet everyone I know in Effingham County, sooner or later. EVERYBODY shops at Wal-Mart where I live.

But a Sam's Club can kiss my Cracker ass for several reasons. First of all, I agree with Groucho. I don't want to join any "club" that would have ME as a member. Why the hell does anyone in their right mind PAY for the right to shop in a retail store, anyway? That's just a bumfuck idea as far as I am concerned. They should pay ME to go there, or at least offer some free Ronco products or a set of Ginsu knives to lure me in.

Second, I don't like that Greyhound Bus Station Bathroom ambiance that all Sam's stores offer. I fear that I might catch an incurable venereal disease by handling anything I touch in the place. Therefore, when I am dragged there by crazy friends, I never touch anything, and I take a long, hot shower as soon as I get back home.

Third, I have more teeth than any five random customers combined that you'll find in a typical Sam's Club. When I first moved to Effingham County, we had Dumpster Farms instead of the shitty garbage pickup we have now. You hauled you own damn trash to the farm and hand-tossed it into a dumpster.

But you had to be careful doing that. You might throw a bag of semi-rotten crab-parts right on top of some idiot digging for aluminium cans in the bottom of the trash bin. I called them "Dumpster Divers" back then. When the county hauled the dumpsters off and provided weekly trash pickup, all the divers went to Sam's Club to hang together and talk about the Good Old Days.

Going to Sam's is nothing more than PAYING to go Dumpster Diving.

Comments

I am always fascinated by the regional differences in this sort of thing...here in Fresno, CA, the Sam's is a very clean store, and is shopped at almost entirely by people who drive highly polished SUVs that are bigger than the parking spaces...which is ok, because the car next to it is likely to be one of those cute little BMW convertibles. That doesn't hold true entirely, of course--after all, I shop there. What I save on books and smokes far outpaces the membership fee.

Then again, we don't have Super Wal-Marts here...and the regular ones are tiny, overcrowded, filthy stores that you avoid going into at all costs unless nothing else is open.

Damn, I miss Super Wal-Mart. I have *got* to get out of this God-forsaken state.

Posted by: Deb on September 26, 2003 10:51 PM

So what if you don't agree with me ALL of the time? I'm right so, so often. heheh

Both the Sam's and Wal-Mart nearest to me are full of cretins. But I'd rather NOT PAY ANYTHING to shop with the cretins at Wal-Mart. The only way I would pay Sam's membership fee is if I could get $30 in pennies from the bank and shove them, one by one, up that fucking membership-carding bitch's ass.

Posted by: sugarmama on September 26, 2003 11:22 PM


Well, fuck me to tears. I'll neve go in a sam's club again.

Posted by: DavidB on September 27, 2003 12:08 AM

Meh.

Oklahoma Sam's are pretty damn good, at least they were when I was there. Georgia Sam's must vary by region, but I remember the one in Valdosta as being reasonably clean and shoppable.

The Sam's in Cincinnati suck huge fat stoney wang. If you move to Cincinnati, get a Costco membership, you'll thank me for it, believe me.

Posted by: Eichra Oren on September 28, 2003 07:36 PM

Whats wrong with you? NO Free membership for a one day pass Cheap Bastards'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''

Posted by: sherry on December 21, 2003 09:11 AM

Whats wrong with you? NO Free membership for a one day pass Cheap Bastards'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''

Posted by: sherry on December 21, 2003 09:11 AM

Whats wrong with you? NO Free membership for a one day pass Cheap Bastards'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''

Posted by: sherry on December 21, 2003 09:11 AM

Cool article!!!

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