Gut Rumbles
 

September 24, 2003

Recheck that sample

I got word from the company nurse-practicioner yesterday to comfirm that I set a record on my blood test during my physical. I have the highest level of "good" cholesterol that she's ever seen in the plant after more than 10 years of doing medical exams. She asked me what I ate to achieve that level, which gave me a 72% "survivor factor" for NOT having a heart attack, ever. (anything over 28% is considered to be "excellent" at my age.)

I told her that I ate anything that would fit in a microwave anymore and that she really should have the lab recheck those results. She insisted that the results were correct because the stuff they ran in their OWN tests ran neck-and-neck with the lab results.

My liver enzymes are low. ("You don't drink anymore, do you?") BWHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!! My blood sugar is low. ("Do you ever feel dizzy?" Only when I drink too much) My kidney function appears to be excellent. My potassium, calcium and other earthly elements tested extremely high. "What kind of vitamins do you take Rob? I want some of THOSE!"

When I replied wine, cigarettes and vodka, she didn't like that answer.

But I really don't take vitamins, I drink to excess and I eat trash food. I also come from a damned good gene pool, which makes me more hearty than the average bear. THAT'S where those lab results come from.

Let the pissers and whiners who DESERVE to die worry about "toxins" everywhere. I can EAT "toxins" and they don't bother me. Maybe that's a clue that that those who can't handle second-hand smoke, can't tolerate pesticides on their produce and despise the idea of a civilized world should just go die and let people such as I am, able to COPE instead of CROAK, take over the world.

We really don't want genetic weakness spawing a new generation. KILL THE WHINERS!!! Marry a redneck, bear a strong child, and save the world!

Comments

This reminds me of my wife's grandfather Paw-Paw. Towards the end of his life he had to stay with my In-Laws. His daughter prohibited him from smoking (he had mild dementia and she was afraid of him burning the house down). The longer he would be without smoke, the more forgetful he got. Buy him a pack of cigs and his mind was as sharp as a tack. He was 89 when the passed while I was holding his hand. He started smoking whan he was 7 years old...

Posted by: DaneBramage on September 24, 2003 06:39 PM

HOT DAMN! I agree totally...I posted a few days ago about Whiny Bitches in Crossville, Tennessee...makes me wanna smack the HELL out of the whole lot of 'em....cope or croak...exactly...perfectly said...

Posted by: Eric on September 24, 2003 06:40 PM

amen brother!
my reply to people who tsk tsk my consumption of martinis, camels, and steak is...for the last 400 years my family have averaged about 80-90 years...you want to eat cardboard and twigs and some soy goo...go right ahead, but my own observation is that those who do are always the ones who are always sick...but then...eating that crap...they deserve to be!

Posted by: ks on September 24, 2003 06:42 PM

I think I told you one other time that you remind me of my grandfather, whom Dane referred to above.
I have a funny story about Pappaw which I am going to post on our blog within the next day or so.
I have been second hand smoking for at least 12 years. I joke about this all the time, being that most of my in-laws smoke. I have learned to just deal with it, even though I wish Dane would quit.
My dad, who has had medical issues for years, has developed a philosophy about worrying. Every time someone asks him isn't he worried or scared about some procedure he is about to go through, he says,no, because the situation is what it is and worry and fear will not change it.

Posted by: UZI--Q on September 24, 2003 07:13 PM

Hmm, going by those results, I should live to see 100 easily. Rock on.

Posted by: Mr. Lion on September 24, 2003 07:51 PM

What is that saying about God looking out for fools and drunks?

Just kidding, glad to hear you have many years of vitriol to offer us!!

Posted by: Dawn on September 24, 2003 08:10 PM

Damn. I'm jealous.

Posted by: Hank on September 24, 2003 08:18 PM

Better than Levis

It's the genes . . . and living right!

110/60

70+HDL

195 full cholesterol rating

resting heart rate in the 60's

smoke 2 packs a day

10 beers

I think, like Gut, I have discovered the secret to life.

:-)

Posted by: jb on September 24, 2003 11:14 PM

*SMILES*

Posted by: Trease on September 25, 2003 01:20 AM

I like to smoke. I like to drink. I would rather eat at McDonald's and Wendy's then at some fancy restaurant or to prepare anything myself. (I haven't turned on the oven in my apartment in four years.)

Fact: Everytime I "try to improve my diet" by eating healthy and stuff -- I get sick! If I stick to my "ways" I'm fine. And I just had a physical and it confirmed it.

Go figure! To hell with the health-nazies in this country.

Posted by: Jeff at Alphecca on September 25, 2003 07:15 AM

"There's more old drunks than there are old doctors."

Posted by: Larry on September 25, 2003 09:44 AM

yeah, my cholesterol is all the good kind...
and none of the bad kind.
I have low cholesterol too.]
Doctors are always amazed at my counts.

I've always consumed olive oil and coconut oil and avoided all other oils.
It turns out that even though coconut oil is saturated, it will sometimes increase good cholesterol. ... true for me...

Posted by: yeah on September 25, 2003 11:17 AM

I saw a thing in a magazine (men's health I think, someone left it in the break room at work) about a new study showing that having large amounts of soy in the diet can cause erectile disfunction and fertility problems in men. Almost enough to convince my agnostic ass there is a god if these vegan asswipes are removed from the gene pool.
Or it could be that a lack of red meat makes guys into limp pussies...

Posted by: Graumagus on September 25, 2003 12:09 PM

It's true, Graumagus. Large amounts of soy in th