Gut Rumbles
 

August 07, 2003

here was the problem

Last night, I played with all my new hardware while blogging nekkid in an air conditioned room. I was comfortable, but my testicles were not.

Testicles don't pay any attention to vascetomies or radical prostatectomies. They just want to maintain their ideal temperature for their reproductive function whether you can reproduce anymore or not. They were doing their job.

They got cold, and as a result, they decided to draw in closer to the warmth of my body so that they could maintain their ideal reproductive temperature. God taught them to do that. They don't listen to me when I tell them that they don't have to do that sort of thing anymore. They listen to God, who belongs on my Top 10 Comedians list.

Anyway, when my testicles want to get warm, they convince Mr. Scrotum to draw up to take them where they want to be, which is really tight against my body heat. Mr. Scrotum obliges by shrinking himself to amazingly tight porportions.

When I started tampering with the hardware yesterday, I just came in from work. I sweated my ass off all day and the rain did little to cool me down. My testicles were too HOT then, so they wanted to dangle low. Mr. Scrotum provided a big, loose pouch for the two nuts to ride in. I found access to the hardware very easy then.

But as I blogged and pumped, my testcles got cold and connived to hide themselves in a very snug package. When I was ready for bed, I couldn't root around in there and find what I was looking for anymore. There wasn't enough room. I was in a quandry.

I laid in bed and thought about just sleeping with a woody all night long. If I did, I would wake up with a woody in the morning, and MAN, it's been a long time since I did that. But this was a true woody and unless I was willing to sleep on my back all night long, that plan was NOT going to work.

I got up and took a hot shower. That worked like a charm. Pancho and Lefty got hot, asked for some room to dangle, and I was able to seize the moment. I found the "off" buttons and deflated myself. I felt better after that. I knew that if I wanted Morning Wood, I could make some when I woke up. I went to bed and slept blissfully for a change.

I'm still learning the rules of the road with this new gizmo I have, and I believe it's going to take some time before I become a Master Swordsman again. But you've gotta eat that elephant one bite at a time. I took a big bite last night.

I took tonight off. I kinda scared myself yesterday.

Comments

And you're scaring me now. This falls under the category of TMI! (No, not Texas Military Institute.)

Ha ha!

If you don't stop this, the next medical condition you'll require treatment for is CARPAL TUNNEL SYNDROME.

Posted by: Joni on August 7, 2003 07:50 PM

you don't have to sleep on your back. Go ahead and sleep on your side, those things make great kickstands.

Posted by: Marcl on August 7, 2003 08:09 PM

If there's anything I've learned from reading The Adventures of Roscoe, it's that I would rather go through almost any other medical circumstance.

Let's see now... is there anything, anything at all, that will reduce the odds of developing prostate problems....

Posted by: Russ on August 7, 2003 08:47 PM

How is the Crackerbox like a cheap hotel?

NO BALLROOM!
(ba dum DUM!)
Thank you ladies and gentlemen, I'll be here all week and don't forget to tip the waitresses.

Posted by: Ric on August 7, 2003 09:09 PM

Whew, and I thought having artisans were bad!

THAT dear Acidman was one ballsy story!!

Posted by: Laura on August 7, 2003 09:17 PM

So that's why my Uncle Pump was unable to get his bionic dick down in that hotel room in Dallas. If he were still alive (he died at age 93) I'd call him up and tell him.

Posted by: Denny Wilson on August 7, 2003 10:40 PM

Tell us some more about this new gizmo then? I wonder if I need it...

Posted by: Mad Bull on August 8, 2003 12:01 AM

HEY! You stole the names of my girls for your nuts! That's the LAST time I share such personal info with you!

(Glad you got things worked out)

Posted by: Da Goddess on August 8, 2003 12:48 AM

Alan told me that he needed to take hot baths every day for a while when he had his first bionic dick put in ( I broke that one....but that's a whole other story...email me for the details)....anyway the doctor told him it would help to inflate and deflate in a hot bath to get the device to soften up a bit.
Of course, the new device works much better...and I'm assuming that's the one you have. Still, hot baths or showers might by helpful.

Posted by: DogsDon'tPurr on August 8, 2003 01:58 AM

Goddamn that is sad. Funny, but very sad. Good luck to Roscoe and the Twins as you heat 'em and beat 'em into submission.

Posted by: Bill@midwestpundits.com on August 8, 2003 09:15 AM

OMG I am just about pissing my pants laughing right now and everyone in my house thinks I have finaly gone overboard! Love your posts Rob! I think you are becoming my daily therapy!

Posted by: Jennifer on August 8, 2003 08:14 PM

Rob,
Thank you.

My husband has had a few scares re prostate cancer (PSA 22, PSA 54, brother with it...). He wasn't afraid of dying, he was terrified about being impotent...because I read your blog all the time, I told him not to worry 'bout that....medical science is a friggin mircacle (not those gd shots, but the pump!) Anyway, thank you for your absolute honesty and, gees, if I wasn't happiply married, I'd come to Georgia and...

Posted by: Muz on August 9, 2003 05:13 PM
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