Gut Rumbles
 

August 05, 2003

i have a new toy

I learned two things today. I have a new bionic dick that works, and I'm going to pay a lot of money for it. Learned thing #1 trumps learned thing #2 hands-down.

After prostate cancer and the resultant humiliation I went through at the hands of medical science, I have no shame or embarrassment left in me. When I was sitting on the examination table, nekkid from the waist down with the doctor steering my fingers all over my crotchital area to show me where the on-off switches were in my nether scrotal hideaway, I never even flinched when a nurse walked in.

Hell, I wouldn't have flinched if we had been on the fifty yard line as part of a Super Bowl halftime show. That's how little physical modesty I have left in me.

He said, "I'm going to squeeze here," and he did. I heard a muted gurgling sound and Roscoe woke up and looked around with his one good eye to see what was going on. The doctor said, "That's about all you need for now. When you are less sore, you can experiment with the pressure you want to use. To deflate the erection, you press here and squeeze your penis." Roscoe went back to sleep.

He sent me off into a side room with an instruction book. I pushed and squeezed and probed for 15 minutes and I couldn't get the damn thing to work. My immediate thought was, "My $35,000 dick broke on it's first semi-outing!"

About that time, the same nurse walked into the room. "You doing okay, honey?" she asked, as I was still probing my nutsack for the keys to the riddle. She has shaved my balls twice in my life so far, once when I was asleep. I am NOT going to piss her off. She might be around there with a razor again someday.

"No, I ain't doing all right. I can't get the damn thing to work. You want to try it?"

She didn't try it, but she brought me a model implant and demonstrated it outside of my body. She let me do it. Once I figured out how THAT worked, I was successful on my own. I just needed more training.

I'm still too sore to go for a real long-jump, and I'm pretty sure that the bionic Roscoe won't be nearly as good as the one I had before prostate cancer. The pumped-up erection still feels unnatural to me. But I can surely tell that he's gonna be better than the dead Roscoe I've lived with for almost two years now.

Now I know how it works. And practice DOES make perfect, doesn't it? I intend to practice a lot.

Comments

Congratulations on the lift-off!

Posted by: Pascale Soleil on August 5, 2003 05:01 PM

Does this mean you will have an unfair advantage in future circle jerks?

Posted by: ken on August 5, 2003 06:04 PM

YES!

Posted by: Acidman on August 5, 2003 06:35 PM

Thirty five thousand dollars? Holy god, you had better get ALL your moneys worth out of it!

Posted by: Flo on August 5, 2003 06:51 PM

The bill may still be higher than you thought at the beginning, but MB would be very willing to bet there are still errors, overcharges, and other assorted things wrong that should be eliminated, just so the hospital realises that some people want the bill to be right !!

Posted by: MommaBear on August 5, 2003 07:17 PM

Yay! You got it up!
And don't worry, as time goes on I think you'll be liking the new Roscoe better than the original.

Posted by: DogsDon'tPurr on August 5, 2003 10:09 PM

Reading that I didn't know whether I was gonna laugh with you or cry for you. "Gettin' all pumped up" has new meaning for you, huh...

Posted by: Ron on August 6, 2003 12:33 AM

Hot DAMN! Way to go, Roscoe!

Posted by: shell on August 6, 2003 01:16 AM

"Roscoe woke up and looked around with his one good eye to see what was going on." - Priceless line and the funniest thing I've read all day. Now I have to go get a rag and clean the coke spewed all over the monitor. Thanks.

Posted by: Jmon on August 6, 2003 02:20 AM

You may find that now that you can get roscoe up and keep him up, you will get an increase of blood flow to old Roscoe as he gets into action. The get'm up nerves may be shot but the "hey this is fun lets send in the reserves" nerves are probably AOK. Since there is less room in Roscoe it doesn't take much of an increase in blood supply to make a difference. This is a subjective personal analysis on my part but you may get lucky.

Posted by: toad on August 6, 2003 08:10 AM

Dear Roscoe,

I understand that you are recovering well from your recent coma. I trust that your physical therapist, Rob, has been working you into tip-top shape.

Good luck in your rehabilitation!

Hugs and big, wet, kisses,

Mamamontezz

Posted by: Mamamontezz on August 6, 2003 08:48 AM

I am appalled!
But fascinated.

Posted by: Pedro the Ignorant on August 6, 2003 10:30 AM

Yikes!

Figuring a conservative value of $10/erection, you're gonna need to get some "exercise" every day for the next 2 years just to break even!

Work, work, work...

Paul

Posted by: LightandDark on August 7, 2003 12:21 AM

Yikes!

Figuring a conservative value of $10/erection, you're gonna need to get some "exercise" every day for the next 2 years just to break even!

Work, work, work...

Paul

Posted by: LightandDark on August 7, 2003 12:22 AM

Buildings burn. People die. But real love is forever.

Posted by: Lowther Tori on May 3, 2004 03:32 PM
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