Gut Rumbles
 

July 27, 2003

trauma

Another one bites the dust. I hope he changes his mind.

My blog deals with a lot of personal issues in my life and I almost got sucked down the vortex a month or so ago. I deleted my blogroll and damn near shut down the site. I experienced an identity crisis.

I never would have gone there if I simply posted links all the time. But that's never been what my site is about and it never will be. I NEED to write sometimes and I NEED to exorcize demons from my head by putting words into the ether. I get it out of my system that way.

I am a manic-depressive, borderline alcoholic with bipolar tendencies. Yeah, I've spent a lot of time in headshrinker interviews and they have diagnosed me to the Nth degree. I believe that they are crazier than I am.

If I were a terrible person, I wouldn't have the friends that I do. They've been there for a long time, but they all are male, except for one. I've been way too trusting of wimmen for the skeptic that I am about everything else, and I have paid a dear price for my naivety. I knew the woman that I could have stayed married to forever, but I cast her aside to chase after a bloodless cunt.

I will regret that mistake forever. I regret a lot of things.

But I don't regret starting this blog and I don't regret the people I've met through it, both those who like what I write and those who hate it. I'm not going to shut it down in a fit of existential angst. I went through that once, and I think it's over now. I am here to stay.

I need to feed a couple of hungry boys now.

Comments

"I knew the woman that I could have stayed married to forever, but I cast her aside to chase after a bloodless cunt. "
Ahhhh, how so many of us wait to hear those words long after the unceremonious dumping. Did you ever tell that woman what you just told us?

Posted by: Ruby on July 27, 2003 08:26 AM

I didn't love her. She loved ME. I was comfortable with her but I never felt that spark I was looking for.

Yeah. I told her that. And I broke her heart when I did.

Posted by: Acidman on July 27, 2003 08:36 AM

Fair enough, but if you didn't love her, you probably couldn't have "stayed married.. forever", right?
And then the BC broke your heart. I guess sparks aren't the answer, either.
Life, the Big Electrolux.

Posted by: Ruby on July 27, 2003 09:04 AM

Well, frankly, I'm glad you're here. I like reading your blog. I think it's hilarious...tell people to stop getting so bent outta shape...mellow out people...everyone is born with an asshole...it's whether you decide to leave it where it is or become one that matters... '-)

Posted by: Laura on July 27, 2003 09:19 AM

I'll make confession I pray my beloved husband never reads. When I agreed to marry him he didn't truely give me that 'spark', but he was good, honest, loving and hard working. that was 20 yrs. ago and at the time and certain life experiences taught me 'a bird in the hand...'. Today I love that man more then I could ever love anyother human being. I have never regretted not finding that 'spark'. I I guess the coal was aready banked and waiting for a slow gentle breeze.

Posted by: Diane K on July 27, 2003 11:31 AM

That's wonderful, Diane. I think most men who pursue the "spark" experience flame-out. THEN they remember the one they threw away. Too bad it's too late.
--Spoken from experience by a steady flame burning hotter every day.

Posted by: Ruby on July 27, 2003 12:57 PM

Same experience as Diane. I let myself stay committed to a man I mostly thought of as a good friend for lack of better prospects.... and then one day I realized that I really had come to love him, truly, madly, deeply, and all the rest.

At the same time, I also don't believe it's wrong to commit to someone without the spark. Some people want True Love, others just want a partner to go through life with, with True Love being an optional bonus.

Posted by: LabRat on July 27, 2003 05:28 PM
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