Gut Rumbles

July 05, 2003

Hell. I'll do it now

1. Do you have a personal hero? If so, who is it?

My childhood hero was Johnny Unitas, the best quarterback ever to caress a center's ass in the history of football. He was everything I ever wanted to be when I grew up, except ugly like him. As an adult, I admired Ronald Reagan. I still do.

2. What is your favorite book of all time and what made it so fucking good?

It's a tie. I believe that Earth Abides by George R. Stewart is one of the best and most timeless stories I've ever read. The book was written in 1949 and it's still applicable today. Every nutball environmentalist should be REQUIRED to read that book before they bray their asses off about our dying planet. There ain't a goddam thing "delicate" about Mother Earth. We are fleas on her backside. She'll abide LONG after we're all gone.

I also like Catch-22 by Joseph Heller. I learned most of my philosophy about life from that book. Does that fact show on this blog?

3. What does “diversity” mean to you?

It damn sure ain't skin color and jelly-bean counting. To me, diversity is different ideas and different ways of looking at things. Diversity is about PHILOSOPHICAL, not physical differences. There's nothing special about "diversity," in and of itself. Some diverse ideas are ridiculous.

4. What is the wildest thing you’ve ever done?

I hope that I'm still waiting to tell that story.

5. Do you regret doing it?

I haven't regretted any of the wild things I've done in the past. Why should the next one be any different?

6. Can you drive a stick shift?

If YOU can't, you need to be dragged off and shot. Yeah, I learned to drive on a stick shift and the truck I have now is the first automatic transmission vehicle I've owned in the last 15 years. I like stirring a gearbox with a stick.

7. What’s the highest speed you ever traveled in a car?

140 mph in an Eagle Talon on Interstate 16 as I was coming back home from the Atlanta airport one night. I say it was 140, but I really don't know. That's as high as the speedometer read and I pegged it out. I never did catch that car in front of me, either. I made it from Hartsfield Airport to Savannah in two hours and ten minutes.

8. Were you driving, or riding at the time?

I was driving and flying at the same time.

9. Which is better: snakes or spiders?

Fuck a snake. They make my skin crawl. I like spiders. I've had a spider living in my bathroom ever since I moved into the Crackerbox. I kinda consider him my pet.

10. What is the most disgusting thing you ever ate?

Something at a Greek wedding. I still don't know what that shit was, but I burped it for three days. It was horrible.

11. Have you ever shit your pants? Be HONEST!

Hell, I shit my pants and blogged about it.

12. Was losing your virginity an enjoyable experience?

Yes. I'll NEVER forget that day. I was puzzled that I didn't feel.... DIFFERENT afterward. That's one hell of a milestone in life, at least for a teenaged boy. I thought I would feel CHANGED once I got laid for the first time. I didn't. I just wanted to get laid AGAIN!

13. Should oral sex be outlawed or encouraged?

What is "oral sex?" BWHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!!!

14. Name one man with a fine ass.

Me. Who the fuck ELSE did you think I was gonna name?

15. Do you watch golf on television? If not, will you iron my shirts?

I watch golf on television. I still need someone to iron my shirts. I am much better with a sand wedge or a remote control than I am with a domestic tool. I am NOT very domesticated.

16. Who is Martha Burk?

A loudmouthed, anal-retentive cunt.

17. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

Drop about 30 years. Go back to playing guitar for a living. Sleep late every day.

18. Do you eat raw oysters?

No, I suck them down like a Hoover. I'm good for half a bushel when I get started.

19. Are you claustrophobic?

Definitely not. I've crawled all through boiler steam drums and furnaces for most of my adult life. My size helps me get into those tight places, but I've NEVER felt any fear at all. HEIGHTS scare the shit out of me anymore. I have a bad case of vertigo.

20. If you rode a motorcycle, would you wear a helmet even if the law said you didn‘t have to?

Yep, I would. It would be a full-faced helmet, too. I have a hard head, but concrete is harder. I like my noggin.'

21. Name five great Presidents.

George Washington. Thomas Jefferson. Abraham Lincoln. Teddy Roosevelt. Ronald Reagan.

22. Name three shitty Presidents.

Lyndon Johnson, Jimmy Carter and Bill Clinton. They all three SUCKED.

23. Now call me fanny and slap my ass. Just kidding.

That was for Jonie.

24. This is the 4th of July. Did you set off any fireworks?

About two hours worth. I had $50 worth of voodoo balls in the mix. Those are GREAT! We had no hassle from the cops because a cop was helping shoot the damned things. I love where I live.

25. If you could have dinner and conversation with anyone in the history of the planet, who would you choose?

Samuel Clemmens. Mark Twain. He was the first true American Writer and I still admire his work. Huckleberry Finn is a masterpiece. That man was ahead of his time and a brilliant philosopher. I would pay for the meal, buy him a cigar and pick up the bar tab, too, just to talk with him for a while.

Okay, there are MY answers. Now, YOU go for it.



Had me one o' them thar Eagle Talons myself, '94 deep green and black.

That mother would fly, and I had mine almost to 140 on a back country road one time, till I hit a little rise in the road. It could fly, I quickly discovered. Fortunately, it was a safe landing and I motored home with a pretty good adrenaline rush.

Posted by: jb on July 5, 2003 09:10 AM

That was a CAR, wasn't it?

Posted by: Acidman on July 5, 2003 09:21 AM

HA! You named the same 5 "great" presidents as me. Damn, I'm too much like you.

Hey, I still have a 1987 Toyota Turbo Supra that I've managed to hit 130 mph'll still do it too...gawd...I love that car. (5 speed manual btw.)

Posted by: Marcl on July 5, 2003 09:27 AM

Yeah--that was a car! And could they corner at whatever speed. And that 5-speed was one smooth shifting mother, too.

Short throw, almost no clutch needed--

Miss it.

Posted by: jb on July 5, 2003 09:46 AM

Warped minds seem to think alike for the Presidents....

Posted by: Jim on July 5, 2003 02:31 PM

Here are mine.

Posted by: Mr. Lion on July 5, 2003 02:36 PM


You get me confused with the other Joni.

Posted by: Da Goddess on July 5, 2003 09:53 PM

Here are my 25.

Posted by: Carl on July 6, 2003 05:25 PM
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