June 30, 2003
i am going to play again
I posted a Catfish email about golf and I got a lot of comments, most from people who never played golf. I haven't played since July 5th, 2001. I remember that last round as if it were yesterday. I always remember when I play for money.
I won money that day, with a 205-yard five wood shot over 200 yards of water on the 18th hole that ended up ten feet from the flag. I drilled that fucking shot and then I sank the putt for all the money.
Then, I put my clubs away one week later and I have not picked them up since. My life fell apart.
To me, golf has been the most daunting game I've ever played. It's you against the course. You can't blame anything on anybody but yourself if you fuck up. But if you come into #18 with $80 riding on your next shot and your competitor has carried the water and put his shot on the green 40 feet from the hole, you CAN'T lay up. You also realize that if you fuck this shot up, it's all over but the crying. That's when golf really becomes golf.
You KNOW that you can hit that shot, because you've done it before, and you just have to believe. So, you do it.
When it comes off the club, you know. Before you look up to see the ball you're already saying, "Be the right stick, baby!" It felt crisp when you hit it and it was just right. You watch that sucker headed for the green and say "Get UP, you sonofabitch! Be the right stick!"
When the ball clears the water by five feet, bounces on the rim of the green and rolls up right in front of the pin, you feel almost as if you just had an orgasm. I DID IT!!!
People who don't play golf don't understand that feeling. People who don't play poker don't understand that feeling. It ain't like watching grass grow. It's hanging your ass out there with nobody but yourself to depend on. When you do it right, it is BETTER THAN SEX! Especially when you sink the putt and get called a Lucky Sumbitch by the guy who has to slap leather and pay you $80 because you did what you had to exactly WHEN you needed to.
Golf is a sublime game. It will check your character. Especially when you gamble on it.
Better than sex? I'm still skeptical.
AAHHH! That feeling! Yes! And when you're playing FOR sex well, then you both win.
Just make sure you get your tee shot past the red markers.
OK, I'm golfing again after a six-year layoff, and I know what you're saying.
But, sex and orgasms ???
For sports that a regular person can try, NOTHING comes close to motocross.
A 49 hp engine in a 215 lb. cycle, which can carry the front wheel thu 5 gears.
40 guys strung on a single straight line, eyeing the first turn 80 yards away.
You're going to hit 70 mph before braking for a 120 degree turn 3 guys wide.
The starter has the 30 sec. card. He turns it sideways: 5 sec. to go.
Can you scream HEARTBEAT AND ADRENALIN RUSH ???
And if you survive the first turn, you've got 30 minutes of god-awful jumps and turns and ruts and often mud AND sand. If you get out front it feels like 39 hounds of hell are on your ass. ONE person WINS and 39 are LOSERS.
An hour later you are privileged to do it again for moto two.
I didn't win often. But winning was better than average sex. Better than good sex.
One year at the last moto of the season I was tied with points with another guy. I passed him on the last jump after the last turn by jumping so far past the finish line I crashed off the track beyond the next turn. Trashed the handlebars and fenders. And I won the race and the season championship.
NOT as good as the best sex I've ever had. But DAMN close.
I also had a signifcant 23 year long relationship with my orthopedic surgeon.
If golf is better than sex, then I am definitely not missing out on much.
When having sex, if you get your ball in the hole, you're doing it wrong.
For a real gut-check, try playing "One For One"...
Basically, it's $1 per yard. You lose the hole, and it's a 340-yd hole, you're down $340.
Most courses are just over 6,500 yards long.
I only ever played it once (as a STUDENT), and I ended up owing something like $54 (or maybe $74). Even THAT nearly killed me.
I went home and drank the coldest beer ever drunk.
It does not matter how slowly you go, so long as you do not stop.
Those whose paths are not the same do not consult one another.
Of all the words of mice and men, the saddest are `It might have been.
The Tao's principle is spontaneity.
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The way to love anything is to realize it might be lost.