Gut Rumbles
 

June 15, 2003

female bloggers

I never liked going to my ex-mother-in-law's house.

After my ex-father-in-law died, she turned that house into a museum piece, meant to marvel at and not to live in. It was lacy and feminine and spotless, with one of those fluffy toilet seat covers in the hall bathroom that prevented the lid from standing up by itself. I had to piss two-handed, with one hand on my Roscoe and one hand holding up the commode lid the few times I didn't say "fuck it" and piss in the azalea bushes outside.

I hated that house. I was afraid to fart in there, for fear that a china cabinet full of never-used dishes (they were to look at, not eat off of) would fall on me and crush my skull. It was just too... PRETTY! It gave me the creeps.

I see a lot of blog sites that give me the same feeling. You know what? THEY ARE ALL RUN BY WIMMEN! Bells, whistles, skins and silky curtains on every window, plus toilet seat covers that don't allow the lid to stand up on its own seem to be hallmarks of a female blog. THEY have cabinets full of nice china that are there to LOOK AT, not eat off of.

I am a steak and potatoes kind of guy. I like to keep things simple. I don't have a damn thing in my house that exists just to look pretty. As a matter of fact, I have a lot of things in my house that DON'T look pretty. Just enter my kitchen and you'll see what I mean.

Some blogs run by wimmen are just too pretty to read. I recognize all the time and effort that went into the design, which changes about once every week, because they never finish redecorating, and I realize that content is a secondary concern when you run a "pretty" blog.

When I find those places, I go outside to piss in the azalea bushes the way I did at my ex-mother-in-law's. Then, I sit on the grass, smoke a cigarette and pet the dog that's not allowed in the house.

I don't belong in there, either.

Comments

Only the picture on my blog is pretty, feel free to break wind over there if you like. I have lysol for that sort of thing :)

OH, if I am being an ass, please feel free to tell me, an honest A-man is the only A-man worth having around.

Posted by: Dawn on June 15, 2003 07:15 AM

Andrea Harris and michele change their blog designs regularly, and I dare you to call either of THEM a girly girl, big talker.

Posted by: Jane on June 15, 2003 09:18 AM

The KAT & MommaBear don't have a cutesy-poo chintz&lace blog, either, damn it !!

It's neat, tidy, easy to read, attractive in an understated way, and full of GOOD STUFF. What more do you need?!

Posted by: MommaBear on June 15, 2003 09:32 AM

Andrea and Michele are GIRLY-GIRLS!!!

Okay, Jane, I did it. What happens now? You got a china cabinet you're going to toss on me?

You better shut up and worry about SARs and monkeypox. That Canadian "free" health-care system seems to suck like a Hoover.

Posted by: Acidman on June 15, 2003 09:34 AM

You screwed up

"If my blog does not meet your standards, then LOWER YOUR STANDARDS or go away. Who the hell do you think you are, anyway"

YOU SHOULD BE ENCOURAGING PEOPLE TO RAISE THEIR STANDARDS

Posted by: Sassy on June 15, 2003 10:07 AM

That would require me to set standards for myself. I don't do that.

Posted by: Acidman on June 15, 2003 10:17 AM

Hmmmm... my apartment has a little bit of "just to look nice" elements, which may be why I am an honorary girl over here.

However, I do know what you mean about houses that are museums. It's taken many years for my stepmother to tone that impulse down. Living with my stepsister I was in a house like that. Except it was hypocritical because she could make a mess or do whatever she wanted, and I could not. From what I understand, she's fallen off the wagon as far as keeping a perfect house since I left, to the point where my father (whose house it actually is) can't stand to go there. But I digress.

Posted by: Jay Solo on June 15, 2003 11:13 AM

Psssstttt, Acidman, it is not just men. I don't feel comfortable in places like that either. If I see a doily of any kind, I want out!

Posted by: Mrs. du Toit on June 15, 2003 11:34 AM

That bar was set when you told people to lower their standards. At least have have the gonads to tell people to live up to your standards

Posted by: Sassy on June 15, 2003 11:36 AM

Don't you just hate that... Those toilet lids that refuse to stand up on there own..

Posted by: DavidB on June 15, 2003 12:55 PM

Dude, did you miss one of your Guy 101 classes? If the seat lid won't stay open due to frilly cover, rip the lid off and throw it out the window.

I mean, if you're gonna do something, do it right. :)

On the topic of chich-blogs, just stick with the ones run by the mythical tough chick, as Mike puts it.

Posted by: Mr. Lion on June 15, 2003 02:11 PM

My mother is like that (well she tries to be). As a result, my sisters and I are notorious slobs.

Those ticky-tacky folks make me nervous.

Posted by: Juliette on June 15, 2003 05:31 PM

I have some 'pretty' stuff, but it's all used. If it ain't usable it doesn't live in my house. Of course i do have some 'pretty' stuff outside in the barn too. 8>)

Posted by: quark2 on June 15, 2003 09:45 PM

I could put up with all that frilly shit, but
"... pet the dog that's not allowed in the house."
Damn, that is cruel punishment to shut out man's best friend,
whose life is spent waiting a for little attention from humans.
Oh, now I get it, your mother-in-law wasn't human either ...

Posted by: Dan Pursel on June 15, 2003 09:55 PM

So that's what's missing from my blog -- doilies!

Dang. And there I thought I was just making my blog easy to read. It even has the same color scheme as yours, more or less... Not that that was intentional. And instead of a picture of some old fart (or fartress -- ie, me) I have a cute little hobbit. Well, he's holding a sword. Make of that what you will.

Posted by: Andrea Harris on June 18, 2003 10:02 AM

My blog is definitely pretty. It is CURRENTLY featuring a 1941 series 61 Cadillac with enough chrome to choke a horse.

Posted by: Raspil on June 19, 2003 03:50 AM

Well, I think I have a pretty blog, but all 4 of my dogs (two Great Danes) are absolute indoor dogs and most of the time sleep on the bed with us. I don't make friends with people who keep their dogs outside - so there! :)

Posted by: Shanti on June 19, 2003 01:24 PM

Often the test of courage is not to die, but to live.

Posted by: Hohn Donovan on May 3, 2004 03:20 PM
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